


The rabbi & the pastor

by s_a_b_i_n_e



Series: Rabbi Magnus and Pastor Alec [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christian Identity, Closeted Character, Dysfunctional Family, First Dance, First Kiss, First Meetings, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Jewish Identity, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Meeting the Parents, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pastor Alec, Pastor Alec Lightwood, Rabbi Magnus, Rabbi Magnus Bane, Reconciliation, Religious Fanaticism, Suicide (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:55:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 47,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26749129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s_a_b_i_n_e/pseuds/s_a_b_i_n_e
Summary: Alec and Magnus are ministering their own congregations. They come from very different backgrounds, different religions. Both are single for very different reasons. One is still in the closet the other out and proud. But opposites attract. Will they risk it all for their love?
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Maryse Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Max Lightwood, Lydia Branwell & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Catarina Loss, Magnus Bane & Tessa Gray, Magnus Bane & Will Herondale, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Series: Rabbi Magnus and Pastor Alec [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995463
Comments: 246
Kudos: 190





	1. Lonely in New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

Alec slumps into his desk chair. It has been a long day. His eyes fall on the bottle of Jura whisky that Jace gifted him on his ordination day. Drinking a dram is tempting, but his colleague Lydia has date night every Wednesday. He is on call duty and in case he needs to anoint someone dying or another emergency arises, he must be fully sober.

With horror he thinks back to his mentor when he first started his internship. The man managed to get his bike confiscated and spent a night in the drunk cell when he was called to a young widow.

Alec truly isn't in danger of drinking too much, but he isn't an abstainer either. The no-alcohol rule is just so ingrained in him since that night he was called to replace the drunken pastor who was meant to train him, the curate straight from university with no practical experience in grief counselling.

He pulls out the desk drawer hoping for a sugar boost, but he only finds an empty chocolate box. _Fantastic._ He heaves himself off the chair and climbs the stairs to his parsonage that is a four-bed flat with two reception rooms. It's way too big for just one person and he already dreads the upcoming season when he has to walk through the ice-cold hallway because turning the heater on in more than two rooms is financially impossible.

He opens his near-empty fridge and pulls out the last remains of his take out he ordered yesterday. He eats the lasagna cold and settles with a tub of ice cream on the sofa. Just one episode of _Queer eye_ , well if he manages to not fall asleep on the sofa that is.

But today's episode catches his interest more than any other. It's about Noah, a gay priest of a not so rich congregation. Alec can sympathise. His situation isn't much different. Well, he is younger and he isn't out to his congregation. He isn't out to many people, actually. Just Izzy, Jace, Lydia, and a handful of friends. But it doesn't matter. He's not dating anyone. Why risking any backlash?

Yes, he decided to become a Lutheran pastor for a reason. It's not the denomination he grew up in. That's why his parents don't talk to him anymore. For them, he is a heretic. That's enough. His homophobic parents don't need to know that he is gay on top of this. Why bother? He doesn't even get Christmas cards from them anymore.

Being single still stings. Celibacy is neither something he wants for himself nor his church demands from him (well not since 2009, but he was still at Junior High then). Working 70 to 80 hours a week is just not helping when you love your job too much to say no to anyone.

He knows that he is working himself into the ground. And he sees Lydia balancing her professional and personal life just fine. It's just that he has nobody to give him a reason to be 'selfish' enough to insist on his one day off per week. He never was a party guy and he doesn't feel comfortable in gay bars where he feels like meat, but not seen as a person. He doesn't fit into other gay spaces either. The book club he once tried only made him the bad guy who worked for a supposedly anti-LGBTQ+ organisation.

Alec totally understood where the members were coming from. He had lived through way too many sermons depicting him as a sinner. Even his own church allows congregations to decide if they recognize and perform same-sex marriages or not. His own congregation said yes though and it was one of the reasons he applied for the pastorate.

But now he is sitting in his empty flat, fearing that he will stay alone for the rest of his life. He would never start a relationship with a parishioner. It wouldn't be right. But he hardly meets people outside of his work. He sighs defeated.

* * *

"Yes, mom, I'm coming for Shabbes dinner," Magnus sighs into his cell phone. As if he spent it anywhere else. Not since the divorce. He just can't stand the invitations any more. Everyone just tries to throw their daughters at him, some even their sons. He loves his progressive, LGBTQ+ affirming congregation but he really doesn't want to meet someone. The breakup from Camille was just too painful.

Only his family knows the full story and that's why even his mother - contrary to every stereotype - leaves him alone with any attempts of playing matchmaker. She's just happy that he survived that bitch - his mother's words, not his. Magnus is way too kind to talk bad about other people, even Camille. That makes him a good rabbi, but also a doormat for everyone whom he lets close enough to be able to treat him like that. Not that he's in danger to change that in the near future.

Cantor Catarina pushes her head through the half-opened door and he motions her to sit. "Yes, Mammeleh. I bring the kiddush wine. See you tomorrow. Love you," he ends the call. Cat grins at him but doesn't say a word. Her throat is killing her. The High Holidays are always a strain on her vocal cords, but the wet weather of this years' Sukkot tipped them over the edge.

But words aren't important between the two of them. They first met in Hebrew school, bonded over being the only children not looking Ashkenazi enough for some of the parents to let their kids play with them, and have been inseparable ever since. She's the sister Magnus never had and the only reason he stepped back on the bimah after this fateful day two years ago.

He smiles at her. "Still sore, my dear?" he asks sympathetically. She nods.

"Got through one Oseh shalom with the kids but still feels like swallowing razors," she answers.

"Say no more," Magnus reprimands her softly, "I just wanted to give you the letter from Mrs Silverman's daughter. She loved your Kol nidre and my sermon." He smiles proudly and gets up from his seat. "I need to pick up the new siddurim and later I have this interfaith prayer meeting Raphael asked me to go to because he has a date with Sherman."

Catarina starts laughing but it turns into a heavy cough. "Simon," she wheezes.

"Samantha, right," Magnus talks back. He likes the nerdy man that stole his friend's heart over a discussion about the similarities between the Prophet Elija and Gandalf or something like that. He can't remember. He was too wasted that night anyway. But the leader of the Sephardic synagogue in his neighbourhood had been single way too long and Magnus is just happy for them. Really.

On their way out they stumble over Mrs Perlman who invites him for Friday dinner, not missing to mention her talented niece who is visiting this week. He declines politely. How is this his life?

He leaves to pick up the new prayer books. The congregation tries to support local businesses and bookseller Ragnor always has a cup of fine English tea for him and the latest gossip to listen to while Magnus looks through the bookshelves. The rabbi has always been a bibliophile, his profession the perfect mixture of what he loves most - books and people.

"Do you really want to carry them?" the Englishman asks sceptical, looking at the boxes standing in the corner waiting for him.

"I need the exercise. I'm getting rather soft in the middle," Magnus half-heartedly jokes and lifts the first box. It _is_ rather heavy and he will have to go three times to carry them. But it's just around the corner and he has time on his hand. The typical past holiday slack after three weeks of celebrating one holiday after another. He feels exhausted, but also strangely elevated.

When he leaves the synagogue later for the prayer meeting he looks up at the trees bordering the streets of Brooklyn. Autumn is coming. His favourite time of the year. He can't wait for the fall colours to spread through the city and cosy nights on the sofa with a good book in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ordination - Ceremony of making someone a pastor in the Lutheran Church
> 
> Shabbes - Yiddish for the Jewish day of rest, starting Friday night with sundown
> 
> Mammeleh - Yiddish for little mother
> 
> Kiddush - a ceremonial blessing pronounced over wine or bread on a holy day and Shabbes
> 
> Sukkot - Jewish autumn harvest festival
> 
> Ashkenazi - Jewish settlers along the Rhine river dating to the Middle Ages, later moving to Eastern Europe. Many descendants came to the US and shaped most of the Jewish landscape.
> 
> Bimah - Dias in a synagogue where people read from the torah scrolls
> 
> Kol nidre - Declaration recited in the synagogue before the beginning of the evening service on every Yom Kippur
> 
> Siddurim - Jewish prayer books
> 
> Sephardic - Jews originating from traditionally established communities in modern Spain and Portugal until the late 15th century and their descendants in North Africa, South-eastern and Southern Europe, Anatolia, and the Levant.


	2. At first sight (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

Alec is running late for the weekly interfaith prayer. He slips into the room, quickly puts on his stole and walks to Imam Junis who is today's host. They greet each other with a tap on the back.

Alec scans the room for familiar faces. He nods to his Church ladies who come here religiously, no pun intended. He sees Clary and Jocelyn talking with Brother Zachariah from the Franciscans. Raj is chatting with Bhikkhuni Dorothea and Luke with a Jewish man with black hair and a glittery rainbow kippah. Alec wonders if the man is using magic to keep his yarmulke from falling off his meticulously styled hair.

Alec's eyes wander down the man's body and stick to his perfectly formed butt. He pulls himself out of his trance when he realises that he is staring. Hopefully, nobody caught him being a lecher. Heat rises into his cheeks when the man turns around. A beringed hand with black nail polish comes into view and then an infectious smile on a beautiful face with Asian features. Alec quickly looks down, adjusting his stola that is way too short for his large frame.

But then Alec is staring again. So is the other man now. He seems to have stopped mid-sentence because Luke's gaze follows the stranger's through the room. Alec knows he should look away, but he can't. 

"Are you alright?" Clary asks, suddenly popping up at Alec's side.

Alec shuts his mouth - when did it fall open? - and murmurs, "Sure." The redhead snickers and pulls him into the circle of chairs, telling him something about Raphael planning to propose to Simon tonight. Alec only half-heartedly pays attention to her flood of words. He tries to focus on the paper in front of him, showing who is responsible for which part of the prayer service.

The order is fixed and every clergy member takes care of a certain part of the liturgy, every time another one. Today Alec is responsible for the closing benediction. It's always a challenge to find words that are truth- and meaningful for everyone participating. But Alec loves it. He's a firm believer that there are many ways to find the divine. He is stable in his own faith but he would never say that his is the only way to find the Holy.

His eyes focus on the only new name he can find, Magnus Bane from the Oseh Shalom Synagogue in Brooklyn. Is he the mysterious man? Alec doesn't dare to raise his head to check for other kippoth in the room. He will have to wait for the sermon to find out.

When the time for it comes, Alec nervously turns to the stranger, sitting there in a suit that looks bespoke. He suddenly feels self-conscious and underdressed in his worn-out black jeans and his darned clergy shirt. He usually doesn't care about his appearance. Why now in the middle of a service? _Focus, Lightwood._

But focussing is hard when the most beautiful low voice recites Ecclesiastes (or Kohelet as Rabbi Bane just called it). He sounds strangely familiar. "Everything has an appointed season, and there is a time for every matter under the heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot that which is planted."

Alec could get lost in this voice alone. But looking at the man, _really_ looking at him for the first time, he takes his breath away. He wears make-up and Alec doesn't understand how he manages to look soft and rather masculine at the same time. Magnus is gorgeous and Alec's heart misses a beat when the rabbi's eyes meet his for a moment before Alec lowers his head that surely resembles a tomato now.

Magnus preaches about seizing the day, living in the moment, and lost opportunities. And all the time Alec feels like he is talking directly to him. Which is obviously nonsense or rather a sign of how good Magnus is at finding words that speak to everyone willing to listen. His words aren't shallow either. They touch deeper than new-age platitudes or stale locutions. Alec is impressed by how easily Magnus walks between the wisdom of his religion and truths that everyone can connect to.

Looking at his benediction he feels self-conscious again. Sure, that's not the place for deeper truths and he rather likes the words he found to close the service. But he wants to impress Magnus just as he impressed him. It's likely his only chance for usually Raphael takes care of the Jewish part of the prayer service. He won't ever see Magnus again and he doesn't understand why this bothers him so much.

Lost in thoughts he nearly misses his cue. But it's only a few lines. He can get through this and then he will leave before he's making a total fool of himself.

"As we depart one from another,  
let our hearts be secure through every human season.  
Let our hearts be secure in seasons of anguish as in seasons of joy,  
in seasons of failure as in seasons of success,  
in seasons of uncertainty as in seasons of security.  
Let our hearts be secure in this dual reality:  
we are worthy recipients of love  
and support we can never earn,  
and we are worthy providers of love  
and support others cannot earn.  
Let our hearts be secure,  
for hearts know and understand and will respond if invited in."

Alec puts away his stole as inconspicuously as possible and tries to steal himself away. He's nearly through the door when he hears that warm voice directed at him. "Hey, Alexander. I'm Magnus. I don't think we've been formally introduced."

Alec turns around and looks at Magnus' extended hand. For a moment he doesn't know what to say. This man already knows his name and it sounds so wonderful rolling off his tongue. "Ehm ... Alec," he stammers, "everyone just calls me Alec." He regrets his words immediately.

"Oh, if you insist. I'm rather a fan of ungarbled names," Magnus says with a smile that splits his face in half and has Alec's legs turn to jelly.

"You can call me Alexander if you like," the pastor says, his voice only marginally more firm than before.

"Are you leaving?" Magnus inquires and even if he had an appointment with his bishop, Alec would give the same answer - a shake with his head signalling no, he doesn't have to be anywhere else. And then Alec just smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bhikkhuni - an ordained female monastic in Buddhism
> 
> kippah/yarmulke/kippoth (pl.) - a brimless cap, traditionally worn by Jewish men
> 
> Ecclesiastes/Kohelet - A book of the Hebrew and Christian bible
> 
> \- - -
> 
> Alec's benediction was originally written by James A Hobart.


	3. At first sight (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

Magnus arrives early for the interfaith prayer service to make himself familiar with the surroundings and the people. Raphael told him about the regulars and he even sees some familiar faces. He does his round, introduces himself and chats away. In new spaces, he never knows how people will react to his unique style. But the prayer circle seems to be a rather relaxed bunch. Nobody bats an eye and everybody seems to be genuinely nice. It's not only interfaith but also a great mix of people from different age groups and ethnicities. He feels a bit jealous that Raphael can have this every week.

He sees Luke entering and waves to him while chatting with an elderly woman who raves about her lovely pastor who must be the sweetest of sweethearts that ever walked on earth and Magnus gets the impression she not-so-subtly tries to set him up with the other man. He sighs. Not even this place is safe, it seems.

Magnus catches himself thinking that this pastor must be a lost cause if a faithful Church lady tries to pair him off with a rabbi. He's not against interfaith relationships but he knows it's not an easy task even under normal circumstances. And he really doubts that two clergymen from different faiths would be able to work around or through the additional problems their jobs would add. But it is kind of charming that this parishioner loves her pastor enough to try to find him a special someone.

Luke saves him with a short "Rabbi, may we talk for a minute?" just to tell him a second later that this Pastor Lightwood is a _really_ nice person and _single_ , though nobody knows for sure if he is even interested in any kind of romantic relationship.

Magnus directs the topic to Luke's upcoming nuptials. The future groom is more than happy to praise his fiancée's planning talent and to talk about the sheer madness of finding a good caterer that serves kosher food for the extended family.

It's five minutes until the prayer service is starting and Magnus turns, asking Luke if there are reserved chairs for the clergypersons. Well, he wants to ask but the second half of the sentence keeps stuck in his throat when he sees a man with unruly hair and rose-tinted cheeks who nervously plays with his stola. He is tall and handsome, the perfect mix of light skin and dark hair. In a nutshell: just Magnus' type. Their eyes meet and it takes his breath away. _Holy shit._ Magnus hopes he didn't say that loud.

He knows he's screwed when those Bambi eyes don't turn away after an appropriate amount of time and he isn't able to revert his gaze either. But then Clary distracts the other man and without meaning to, Magnus' eyes travel over his body that suddenly moves away out of his sight.

Magnus shakes his head to sort out his thoughts just to meet Luke's amused smile. "Told you, kiddo," he chuckles and gives him a wink. Magnus answers with a dramatic eye-roll and throws both hands in the air. This is a place of worship, not a marriage bureau. He is here for work and not a hookup.

Magnus sighs a last time and finds a free seat nearly opposite of the pastor with the cute frown on his face. He imagines him relaxed in the morning light. _Stop, Bane, stop right there._ There is no dimension in this universe where these kind of thoughts are appropriate, especially when you haven't even spoken to the person you fantasise about. And the man doesn't look at him at all. He is obviously not interested. And Magnus is neither. Well, he shouldn't be. He really shouldn't be. He isn't. 

Through his sermon he lets his gaze wander over the gathered community and he finally sees those hazel eyes again. At least for a moment before the pastor lowers his gaze. Is he blushing? It doesn't matter. Magnus can't follow this attraction for way too many reasons. Even if he preaches about missed opportunities right now.

He listens intensely when Alec - is that short for Alexander? - speaks the closing benediction. His words are well chosen. Too many times Magnus has seen Christian clergy trample around other religion's traditions. But Alec does a wonderful job. It's obvious that he wants to reach everyone and doesn't use this as a proselytising opportunity.

It's rather refreshing and Magnus wants to get to know the person behind those words. He tells himself that it is good to have a network of colleagues from other faiths and traditions. Yes, that's why he approaches the man before he can disappear through the door, never to be seen again. He just needs his contact information. Everything strictly professional of course.

He believes his own deception right until Alec turns around and takes his offered hand. He knows he never wants to let go of this hand ever again. And Alec doesn't seem to want that either. His hand is a warm anchor in a sea of emotions running through Magnus' barely patched up heart.

 _Man plans and God laughs_ , Magnus' bubbe always says and it rings true at this moment. Alec's shy, yet warm smile and the comfortable silence between them make Magnus' stomach explode into a swarm of butterflies and he can't remember ever having such a strong reaction to a person he had been attracted to. Not even Camille and he married her.

But what is he doing? He can't flirt with a pastor! Not seriously. He needs to cool down. He clears his throat. "Our places of worship aren't too far away from each other. How is it we never met before?" Magnus asks.

Alec's smile falters for a second and he lets go of Magnus' hand. The moment - whatever it was - is broken. "Ehm, I think you worked with my colleague Lydia before, for the Cohen-Weber wedding." Magnus nods. "And you'll do Jocelyn's and Luke's wedding together, right?"

The rabbi shakes his head in agreement. "Why did they ask Lydia? Earlier Luke spoke very highly of you," Magnus enquires.

"Well, most couples seem to prefer her for weddings," Alec answers and nervously rubs his hand on the back of his neck.

"Is that so? Why?" Magnus asks. He knows that it's kind of a bad move. Alec most likely feels rejected by his own congregation, but Magnus can't stop the train wreck of a conversation this promises to be.

"I dunno. Maybe because I'm a man." Alec shrugs as if he doesn't care, but Magnus sees right through him. 

"That doesn't sound fair," he offers, hoping to comfort the other man at least a little after putting the topic on the table.

"It's the same with baptisms. Well, people love my funeral services," Alec laughs, but it holds a bitter edge.

Magnus shakes his head. "That's depressing, Alexander. I mean, isn't it the beauty of our profession that we are companions for every stage of life?" He can't imagine a workweek circling around death without balancing it out with joyful celebrations at least once in a while.

Alec shrugs again. "Yeah, but we do not really have a choice. In a big congregation, we would share this more fairly, but we need to keep our parishioners happy. As they say, the customer is king. And Lydia _is_ great. Her weddings are beautiful, theologically sound, and still fun. If I should ever marry, she will be the one officiating. That's for sure."

Alec smiles a little at that thought and Magnus can breathe more freely now. "It's wonderful when a friend does that for you. It makes it even more special," he agrees.

Alec's eyes fall on the rabbi's left hand. Is that a wedding band? It's an unusual ring, but nothing about Magnus screams 'ordinary'. Maybe he misread everything. Of course, what else. The one time he meets someone he finds attractive, the man is already taken. And because Alec is apparently masochistic he asks, "Own experience?"

Magnus looks at him and Alec can't quite read the emotion that flickers over his face. It looks like pain, but it disappears as fast as it arrived beneath a careful mask. "Well, it didn't help in the long run," Magnus answers. _Oh._

"I'm sorry." Alec has a strong urge to wrap his arms around the other man, to comfort him. This impulse is new. His solace has never been one of touches, but words. Apart from his siblings, he has never embraced anybody in his life. Not even his parents. 

"It's quite alright, darling. It's just the way it is," the rabbi stops his train of thought. The slipped endearment surprises Magnus himself. He only uses it for family and friends since finishing rabbinical school. He was 'too flirty' Camille had told him then and he had taken it to heart. And still, saying it to Alec feels right. There is a connection between them that is more than professional interest. And it's worth the beautiful blush that adorns Alec's cheeks.

 _Darling._ For Alec it sounds so intimate, like something that lovers say to each other after sharing a kiss. By their own accord, his eyes fix on Magnus' lips and Alec runs his tongue over his own. For heaven's sake, can he be more obvious?

He bites the inside of his cheek to ground himself. It's ridiculous. He can't flirt with a rabbi or whatever counts as flirting when you feel like a hormone-driven teenager who blushes like a virgin. Well, that at least is appropriate. He is a virgin after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bubbe - Yiddish for granny


	4. Solitary thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

Magnus' phone vibrates, signalling a text message. He grins at the screen.

_He said yes._

Of course he did. Simon loves Raphael. Magnus turns around to Clary who looks up at the same time, phone in hand. She walks over smiling. "He did it," she snickers and Alec looks a little lost. "Raphael, he's engaged," she explains.

Alec raises his eyebrows for a moment. "Who is the lucky one?" he asks.

Clary makes a face. "Si-mon, I told you right before the service." _Oh, right._

"Sorry, of course. Got a little sidetracked," he says blushing. Simon is one of their regulars. "I didn't even know they were dating."

Clary rolls her eyes. "Yes, Raphael thought it wrong to mix work and his personal life. They kept it under the radar until now. I just know about it because Simon's my best friend since childhood. I was their matchmaker. We went to a Lord of the Rings reading event and met Magnus and Raphael there. The rest is history." She grins complacently.

"Wouldn't have taken you for a nerd," Alec says directed to Magnus who answers with a guffaw.

"Oh, I don't know if Lord of the Rings is nerd territory anymore, but I _am_ a nerd, make no mistake. My area of interest is just too niche even for the nerdy crowd. No, Raph dragged me there with the promise of an open bar. I made good use of it."

Alec laughs. It's an open face, wrinkle around the eyes kind of laugh and he looks beautiful. Nearly too beautiful in Magnus' eyes. Where is the catch? Why is this man single? It's none of Magnus' business though and he scolds himself inwardly.

"Alexander, it was a pleasure to meet you, but I gotta go," he says hastily to pull himself out of these thoughts and the conversation. Alec looks a little sad but automatically offers his hand to say goodbye. The handshake lingers a moment too long if Magnus is reading Clary's countenance right. He takes his coat and leaves before he does something stupid like asking Alec for his number.

* * *

Alec drops face forward into his bed. It's been a long day, _again_. He just wants to sleep, for 14 days or something. But his brain has a different opinion than his body. He goes through the schedule of the next day and the tasks waiting for him tomorrow.

He plays back the meeting with Magnus again and again, over-analyses every little detail. There has been something between them. He could feel it. Maybe just physical attraction, maybe more. But it's futile to agonize over it, he knows that. He probably won't see Magnus again and even if, nothing will ever happen. They are too different.

Alec sighs into his pillow. Maybe he's just so touch starved that a simple handshake can make him drool. Yes, that must be it. He should book a massage or something. Jace would tell him to find somebody on Grindr and get laid. Maybe he should. Just to get it over with. Staying a virgin hadn't been his plan when he moved to New York. His lack of experience surely doesn't help to find someone to lose his virginity with. Whenever it comes up on a date - the few he manages to get that is - it is basically the end of the story. Virgins might be sexy when they are 18, but not so much when the big 3 is in plain sight.

Alec had fought so hard against his internalised homophobia and the general anti-sex agenda of his parents, but it is of no use. Potential partners only see him as somehow defect and he is too disillusioned to hope for Mr Right to just fall from the sky.

He's not a dreamer. He doesn't believe in fairy tales and especially not in knights in shining armour. But for once he really would like to be the prince saved from his own misery, his loneliness. And knowing that he feels this way somehow makes it even worse. 

Because he is a believer and that's the crux of the matter. He believes in divine providence. And a childish part of him feels certain that there is somebody out there waiting for him, created to be with him, and he with the other man. Despite his upbringing that told him again and again that the way he desired was wrong, he somehow never stopped believing that God's plan for him includes a man at his side. Someone to love and to cherish, maybe even start a family with. He is just so tired of waiting and with every passing day he sees his hope slipping away a little further.

* * *

The warm water is a lifesaver. His muscles are sore from carrying the books earlier and he deserves the hot bubble bath. He nurses a martini. He deserves that, too. He still feels the High Holidays in his bones. He longs for Shabbat. He needs a day of rest. No phone, no news, no shopping, no busy schedule. Just Hashem, prayers, rituals, family, and the great cooking of his mother.

Without wanting to, his mind wanders to hazel eyes, blushed cheeks, and shy smiles. And there are the butterflies again. Magnus groans. He managed two years without a single crush. He built a wall around his heart higher than the Empire State Building, but somehow Alec slipped through a crack. He just needs to find and seal it. Because honestly? Deep inside he thinks he is too broken for a relationship.

It doesn't matter how often he reminds himself that Camille once loved him. It's probably just another lie he is telling himself because otherwise there is only one option left: He isn't lovable, not able to make someone stay, no matter how forgiving he is, how willing to adapt. Maybe Camille broke him or he was already damaged goods. Not even his birth mother wanted him. 

But that is not a fair assessment of his life and he knows that. His parents chose him when he was a baby and still love him unconditionally. Without raising an eyebrow they supported him through his coming out, still defend him against anybody who doesn't accept him the way he is.

When he told them he wanted to be shomer Shabbat they respected that. When he went kosher they kashered the kitchen - which was a lot of work and not a cheap endeavour - and his mother keeps it kosher just for him (outside her home she still enjoys a BLT). 

When he decided to become a rabbi they paid for his rabbinical school, send him to Israel for a year where he enjoyed studying in his yeshiva in Jerusalem just as much as partying in Tel Aviv.

He is blessed with wonderful friends, an open-minded congregation, and a job that fulfils his soul. And for two long years, he really thought he was happy the way it was. But something's changed today and he doesn't dare to look too closely at it. He tries to brush it off as a sign that he is finally ready to look for a new partner. Maybe he is healed enough to accept Shabbat invitations again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hashem - Hebrew for "the name", a Jewish term for God
> 
> shomer Shabbat - a person who observes the prohibitions and positive commandments of Jewish law regarding keeping the Shabbat
> 
> kasher - the process of preparing the kitchen, cooking utensils, crockery, and cutlery to keep the food kosher
> 
> yeshiva - a Jewish school that focuses on the study of traditional religious texts


	5. Friend & sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

Catarina pops her head through the open door of Magnus' office. "Ready for lunch?" she asks and Magnus looks up from behind his desk. 

"Yes, I'm starving. Jay & Lloyd's? I didn't have a proper brisket for weeks now," he complains.

His friend knits her brow. "Since when does your mother skip her famous Shabbes brisket?" she inquires.

"She doesn't. I just didn't spend Shabbat with my parents lately, that's all."

Cat gapes at him. "Where did you go then?"

"Friday dinner at the Feinstein's and Segal's, Shabbes lunch at the Rayman's and Laubenstein's, and Havdalah at the Huberman's and Kaplan's," he answers as nonchalantly as he masters.

"And you didn't tell me?" Her words hold concern and confusion and that's exactly why he avoided talking with her about it.

He rolls his eyes dramatically and says, "I wasn't aware that I have to report my whereabouts to you."

Catarina sighs and slumps into the chair in front of the desk. "Of course not, but you haven't ... since ..." She contracts her eyes and looks at him intensively. "They all have children of marriageable age. I suppose that isn't a coincidence?" He shakes his head no and a small smile plays on her lips. "You're ready to date again? That's fantastic!"

He shrugs his shoulders. "That doesn't mean anything, Catarina."

"It means _everything_ , my friend, and you know it fine well. Aaaand ... found someone to ask out?"

Magnus shakes his head and sighs. "They are all well educated, good mannered, lovely, and good looking. But no. No one who tickles my fancy."

"Give it time. You're just back on the market. And you're a real catch. Someone will see that and you will see the same in them." She watches him in silence for a while. "What made you change your mind? Just three weeks ago you declined Mrs Perlman's invitation." For the first time in so long, she sees a blush crawling up her friend's neck. She cocks an eyebrow. 

"Nothing," he presses out, busying himself with the paperwork in front of him.

Catarina chuckles in amusement. "Oh, Magnus. You're such a bad liar. Tell me about them," she orders with a big grin on her face.

"There's nothing to be told, really. We met briefly. He's incredibly handsome and not someone I could ask out, ever. End of story." His voice is firm, but his eyes betray his emotions.

"Why? Is he in a relationship?" Magnus shakes his head no. "You've been with goyim before, so that can't be the problem either. Is he on the run from the police?" Magnus chuckles at the mere thought of those Bambi eyes on a mugshot. "What is it then?"

Magnus groans. He knows that she won't leave him alone with this. "He's a pastor." Catarina exhales with a long blow of air. "You see the problem now?"

Catarina nods and looks at him like she did so many times before, as if she were diving into the depths of his soul. "Is the interest mutual?" she finally asks.

"Catarina, you can't be serious!" he exclaims.

"Why not? He made you want to date again. That's great, but it doesn't mean that you will feel the same with anybody else but him. I've seen you lonely for way too long, my friend, and if you have a shot at happiness, I hope you grab it with both hands and don't let go."

"But he's _a pastor_ , Catarina. His church is only a few blocks away." Magnus can practically see his friend racking her brains.

"I guess it's not Timothy from Holy Trinity he's not your type and Samuel from Mother Mary neither, he's too straight. Is it Alec? It's got to be Alec!" Magnus' darkened cheeks are peaking through his make-up and Catarina chuckles loud. "You've always had good taste, but this man ... he is a delicacy."

"Why does everybody know him, but me?" Magnus asks indignantly and crosses his arms over his chest. Catarina tries to stifle her laughter but isn't successful.

"He came here proposing opening their Meals on Heels program to our parishioners about one and a half years ago. You send him the criteria for kosher options, remember?"

Now Magnus does. They once talked over the phone, because Alec wanted to make no mistakes when providing a weekly hot meal to frail and isolated older people in the neighbourhood. They never met, because Magnus asked Catarina to substitute for him at the meetings as she had been Alec's first contact person anyway.

"Listen, I won't tell you what to do," she says softly, "I just say that you two wouldn't be the first interfaith clergy couple. Remember Tessa? She and Will make it work."

"I haven't spoken to them in a very long time," he confesses. "Not since my wedding." He looks abashed and plays with his rings.

Catarina sighs. "I will never forgive that woman for what she did to you. If we hadn't worked together, she would have isolated you from me, too."

Magnus holds up a hand. "I let her. If anybody needs forgiveness, it's me. I was so afraid of losing her that I lost myself."

She nods in agreement. "Magnus, I know that you worked through a lot of your stuff in therapy. You carry yourself with such grace and I'm so happy to have the real you back. But maybe, just maybe it's time to let somebody find you for once. Alec is a good man, sacrificing himself for everyone else's benefit. I don't say that it's a healthy pattern, but he is as far away from Camille as it gets personality-wise. Maybe just look if there is something to base a relationship on. And if not, you can still do your rounds at the Shabbes tables of New York."

* * *

"Hi, Izzy, how are you?" Alec's voice is a little shaky like always when he dials his parents' number. Not that he expects his mother to pick up, even if it's her birthday today. She can see his number on her landline. She blocked it on her mobile phone years ago.

"I'm great, and you? Haven't heard from you in a while." Izzy's voice holds no signs of reproach. She knows that it's hard for Alec to call without a reason. Her big brother is always worrying about being a burden.

"Been busy," he says and it isn't a lie. "I guess the birthday girl won't talk to me." It isn't a question. He practically hears the shake of his sister's head. "It's alright. Just wanted her to know that I am thinking about her."

There is a long silence and he hears Izzy take a deep breath. "Listen, hermano," she whispers, "I'm coming to New York next week. It's a business trip. I thought, maybe I could crash at your place? We haven't seen each other for so long."

"Sure," Alec answers. "Send me your flight information and I'll pick you up."

"No," she declines, "I'll just take a cab. Just leave a key for me that I can let myself in. I know you have a lot on your plate. I'm so happy to see you soon, big bro."

A smile tugs on the corners of his mouth. "Me, too, Izzy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Havdalah - ceremony that marks the symbolic end of Shabbat and the beginning of the new week
> 
> goyim - non-Jews


	6. Misinterpretations

Izzy fishes the key out of the plant pot. She has two hours left until Alec is off work. She walks through the cold, reverberant hallway and takes a peek into several empty rooms before she finally finds the kitchen and makes use of the single-serving coffee maker.

She opens the fridge and grabs the tub of yoghurt that stands lonely on the shelf. Walking to the other side of the hallway she finds a sparsely furnished bedroom and a living room that contains a saggy sofa bed, a coffee table, and a television set on a low bookcase that spreads along the whole side of the wall, neatly packed with books, full to the brim.

She takes a deep breath and suppresses the tears building up in her eyes when she finds a photograph with all four siblings in a silver frame. It's many years old and littered with fingerprints. The only decoration is a wooden cross and a poster with Bonhoeffer's _By loving forces silently surrounded_. Leave it to Alec to put the most depressing motivational speech of all time on his wall. She knows he adores the man. But this room is so devoid of life, that even the poetic words of someone deeply rooted in faith don't keep her heart from clenching. Her brother doesn't even own a dining table. She wonders what that tells her about the life her brother is living. She had hoped he would find happiness here, but this is just depressing.

She catches her purse, half fleeing the flat, and walks down to the supermarket to fill the empty fridge-freezer and cupboard with food. Heavily loaded she reaches the entrance when a man opens the door from the inside, crushing into her.

"Oh, I am so sorry," the man with perfect smokey eyes says. "I didn't see you. May I help you with the bags?"

For a moment Izzy is startled, torn between wanting to agree and her deeply ingrained suspicion of strangers. But the man came out of the church building. How bad could he be? "This would be actually really nice," she says and he grabs two of the bags and follows her upstairs. They stop in front of the apartment door. 

"Oh, you're living with Alexander," the man says in a slightly strained voice.

"Yes, kind of," she replies cautiously. "Do you know him?"

"Yes, kind of," he says, mirroring her words. "We met at the interfaith prayer. My name is Magnus. I'm the rabbi of the yose Shalom Synagogue."

"Nice to meet you, Magnus. I'm Isabelle. Did you come to see Alec? He should be back in the next twenty minutes or so. You can wait with me if you like," she offers.

"I don't want to intrude," he says. "Alec didn't know I was coming to see him. And it seems he already has good company." He smiles faintly.

"Okay. Do you want me to pass on a message?" He shakes his head no. "Thank you for the help, Magnus."

"Don't mention it, Isabelle" he replies and turns to leave. His shoulders are slumped and for a second Izzy wonders who he is to Alec. But then she remembers the defrosting veggies in her shopping bag and rushes inside.

* * *

Alec arrives home an hour later, the hallway filled with a delicious smell. He finds Izzy swirling through the kitchen. He pulls her in a tight hug. "It's so wonderful that you're here," he murmurs into her hair. 

"Give me some air to breathe, hermano," she says, but pulls him even closer. "I am happy, too. You're late. Did something happen?"

"No," he answers bashfully, "just the usual craziness of church life. My old ladies never want to let me go. I'm sorry. I'm not good at setting boundaries and normally nobody's waiting for me. But what is all this? Are you cooking?"

"Yes, and before you say something - I took a class. I didn't want Meliorn to do all the cooking. My food is edible now." He raises his hands in surrender and laughs. He opens the fridge to get a cola and finds it filled to the brim.

"Izzy!" he scolds. "It's my job to feed you, not the other way around. I planned to take you out tonight and pick up some pastries early in the morning." 

Izzy stops him with a wave of her hand. "Shush. You save me a shit load of money in hotel costs. It's the least I can do. When did you even eat your last home-cooked meal?"

"Mrs Taylor brought me a casserole for my birthday," he replies. 

"Alec, that's nearly two months ago. No wonder you look so pale." She softly brushes her thumbs over Alec's dark under-eye circles.

"That's more due to a lack of sunshine and sleep. I'm fine, Izzy. You don't need to fuss about me."

"I made lasagna and salad. I guess we eat at the coffee table?"

"Ehm, yeah. Sorry, I do not have guests here often." He rubs his hand on the back of his neck. "I guess you are used to a higher standard of living. Most of the time here I spend sleeping." He shrugs his shoulders. 

Izzy frowns. "Alec, there's no need to defend yourself. I'm not judging. It just ... doesn't feel like a home, you know. It doesn't feel like you."

Later when Izzy sleeps in Alec's bed and he lies on the pulled-out sofa, he wonders what she might really think about his way of life. She owns a spacious house, paid easily with their double income as successful lawyers. 

Shame crawls up inside of him, forming a burning ball in his stomach. He loves his job, he doesn't regret his life choices. It's just that she always looked up to him when they were younger. Now, the pity in her eyes is nearly unbearable.

* * *

"I guess it didn't go well," Cat says apropos of nothing.

Magnus shakes his head, eyes heavy and red from suppressed tears. "I met his beautiful fiancée. No idea why everyone tries to set me up with him. She seems lovely."

"Maybe he's like Raphael. Did she introduce herself as his partner?" Cat inquires.

"No, but she wears an engagement ring, she has a key to his apartment, and she carried a family's worth of groceries. I think the conclusion is pretty clear." He sounds defeated and it breaks Catarina's heart.

"I'm so sorry, my dear. But I'm proud of you that you tried," she says sympathetically.

"Well, at least I can now focus on finding me a spouse without breaking the Vatican law," he deadpans.

"I think you mixed up the churches," Catarina says. "But, yes. It's less trouble choosing one of our own people."

Magnus nods, even if that didn't save him from the car crash that was his marriage with Camille. But he still can't wrap his head around the whole situation. Alec was interested in him, he's sure of that. But he just can't put his finger on what it is that doesn't fit in the picture his short meeting with Isabelle painted. Still, it's no help. He needs to move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An English translation of Bonhoeffer's beautiful poem can be found [here](https://medium.com/live-your-life-on-purpose/dietrich-bonhoeffer-by-loving-forces-silently-surrounded-aa387694427f).
> 
> The German original was set to music by different composers. A live recording of my favourite version is available on my [YouTube channel](https://youtu.be/h7Apj7Wn8Qc).


	7. Moving on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

Magnus' hand lingers on the doorknob. The last time he touched it, it was in a thrill of anticipation with butterflies in his belly. But now there is a cold, heavy stone at the pit of his stomach that threatens to rip him apart. _Pathetic, Bane._

He went on two dates this week. He hated every second of it. And now he has to go back to the place where his hope shattered to pieces. But there is no use in complaining. He promised to drop in to plan the wedding with Lydia. He just hopes, he doesn't cross Alec's path. 

He silently thanks Hashem when he makes it to Lydia's office without meeting a single soul. He knocks and hears her inviting voice. He enters. _But of course._

Two pairs of eyes meet him. Lydia sits in a chair to the side and Alec leans relaxed at her desk. Both look at him with warm eyes and inviting smiles. Magnus' heart is in his mouth and he tries to clear his throat.

Lydia saves what could have become an awkward affair and walks over to him, pulling him in for a hug. They never did that before and Magnus can't help but think that his face must have given him away. He mumbles words that he hopes resemble any kind of greeting.

He dares a quick glance at Alec and sees his face is somewhat distorted in concern. Magnus isn't quite sure. Alec doesn't say a word, nobody does for a far too long stretched moment until Lydia offers Magnus the chair she sat in earlier and walks to hers behind the desk. 

Alec is still leaning at it and Magnus needs a moment to unfreeze himself and put on a semi-genuine smile. He thinks he fakes it well enough when he sees Lydia smiles back at him.

Magnus sits down and takes a deep breath. "So, did they decide to do it here or in the synagogue?" he goes straight to business. 

Lydia raises an amused eyebrow. "Neither. They want a neutral place for either side of their families. They booked the Main Hall of the Wythe Hotel."

"Wow, that's ... How did they get it on such short notice?"

"They asked when the venue was free and took the only available slot. It not being a Saturday wedding might have helped, though it's a miracle that they got a December date. Maybe a cancellation." She shrugs. "But that brings me to the reason why I asked you here. I know that they gave your assistant the date and that you are available. Unfortunately, I am not. That's why I asked Alec to replace me as the officiant. Jocelyn and Luke agreed."

Magnus looks up at Alec who seems to study his face. The corner of Alec's mouth twitches as if he wants to suppress a smile. "Only if this is alright with you, of course," he adds to Lydia's explanation. Magnus manages to nod in agreement. His thoughts are all over the place.

"Wonderful!" Lydia exclaims.

Alec pushes himself off the desk. "We could work on the order of service right away if you want. Though I have to warn you. I don't have any practical experience in interfaith weddings. I'll have to read a book or two first. But we could at least build the frame together?"

"Sure, sure. Framework sounds good," Magnus answers and Alec laughs. The sound tickles in Magnus' stomach. _So much for moving on._ Alec motions him to follow and Magnus bids goodbye to Lydia.

They enter Alec's office and the pastor searches for something on his desk that is cluttered, but in a strangely neat way. Organised chaos, Magnus assesses and scans the bookshelf. It's an old habit of him, the thrill of looking inside somebody else's life just through knowing what they are reading. Obviously, these aren't Alec's private books, but still.

His eyes wander over different Bible editions, most of them versions of Luther's translation. "Do you speak German or is this just a Lutheran thing?" he asks waving at the bookshelf in an attempt of small talk.

Alec's head shoots up and he looks baffled, but then a shy smile grows on his lips. "I learnt it for my study stay in Heidelberg and got a little hooked. I fell in love with the poetry of Luther's translation and bought every revised edition. It's fascinating to study the changes they made, how the language developed, what they did to keep the essence of the original but correcting what he did wrong or wordings that changed their meaning over time."

"Wouldn't have taken you for a nerd," Magnus says and Alec grins. The memory of Alec saying the same before lightens something inside of Magnus. He likes the pastor. He doesn't want to cut him off, even if they can only be friends. He can do this. He managed it before, going from crush to friendship.

"Shouldn't that be 'geek' in that context?" Alec asks.

"I never got the dif-fe-rence," Magnus replies, slowing down the last word when his eyes fall on a boxed set with the names 'Buber' and 'Rosenzweig'. He lets his fingers run over the linen spine. He turns around and sees Alec approaching.

"That's one of my favourite translations of the Old Testament. It's from before World War II. The translators originally wanted to adapt the Luther Bible for Jewish congregations, but they found that impossible and did a full translation instead. They tried to keep the flow and the underlying nuances of the original Hebrew," Alec explains.

"If it's Jewish than it's either the Torah or the Hebrew Bible, not the Old Testament," Magnus gently corrects and a blush runs over Alec's face.

"Yes, sorry. You're right. It's not only the five books of Moses. It contains the Prophets and the Writings, too. So, it's a Tanakh." He nervously rubs his hand over his neck.

Magnus raises an eyebrow. "You know the terms _and_ the difference. Colour me impressed!"

Alec blushes even more. "I know that too many of my peers do not understand the sacredness the Jewish people hold for their texts. I'm sorry that my choice of words reflected the same attitude. I know that we read these books from different perspectives, but I would never hold the Christian interpretation over the Jewish one. I think we miss plenty through the standard Christian lense. I actually learnt a lot from Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg. I follow her Twitter feed. She's awesome."

"She is indeed," Magnus says, suddenly all smiles. "You're more than just a pretty face, aren't you?"

Alec snickers sheepishly and his head resembles a tomato. What would Magnus give to read his thoughts right now, to understand what it is that seems to rattle both of them when they are standing this close. Magnus swears he can feel Alec's breath tingling on his skin as his heart rate speeds up.

"I don't think that anyone has ever called me pretty," Alec laughs a little self-derogatory. 

"Really? Not even your fiancée?" Magnus can't stop himself from asking.

"What fiancé?" Alec asks.

"I'm sorry. I thought it might be official now, like with Raphael and Simon. Last week, I helped to carry the shopping bags upstairs. You're one lucky man, Alec. Mazel tov, by the way." Magnus impresses himself with how genuine he sounds. Maybe he is.

But the use of his usual nickname is not lost on Alec, his mind is still hung up on the whole fiancé/e thing, though. Magnus thinks he is engaged, that he's off the market. _No, no, no, no, no!_ "I don't know what you're talking about," Alec says slightly agitated. 

Magnus is taken aback by the tone of his voice. Is Isabelle still a secret? Why? She already lives here, they are engaged. Surely the congregation knows by now. But what if Alec is one of those bastards who see women as their property or he isolates her as Camille did with him? She was just as charming to others as Alec is. Only Magnus knew the possessive side of her. _Quick. Think, Bane. Explain it in a way that can't fall back on her._

"The other day, I ran into Isabelle and nearly knocked her over," he explains. "She looked a little rattled from the impact and I offered her to help with the bags. I carried them to the apartment door and left right away."

Alec's eyes grow comically wide and then a burst of full bellied laughter explodes out of him. Magnus looks at him bemused. He expected a different kind of reactions, but not this. "What is so funny about it?" he asks frowning.

Alec holds up a hand, trying to catch a breath through the body shaking laughs. "You thought ... you thought that Izzy ... Izzy is ... that's hilarious."

Magnus can't help but snicker. Alec's laughing is a great relaxant after the tight feelings that built up just a moment ago. "What? She isn't?"

"No, that would be highly inappropriate and even if not, she wouldn't be my type." Alec enjoys Magnus' confusion a little bit longer but then redeems the other man. "She's my sister," he explains chuckling.

"Oh," Magnus answers eloquently. Now it's his turn to blush, but it isn't as obvious. Thank Hashem for the invention of foundation. "I see why this would be _highly inappropriate_ ," he giggles and it's the sweetest sound Alec has ever had the pleasure of hearing. The revelation makes Magnus bold. "But, what would she need to _be_ your type, Alexander?"

Alec nearly melts, hearing his full name again. "Well, ..." _Being you_ , he thinks. "... her not being a 'her' would probably help," he says instead. Magnus' answering smile could put the sun to shame and Alec's heart squeezes gently. Must be something in the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Torah - five books of Moses 
> 
> Tanakh - the canonical collection of Hebrew scriptures, including the Torah
> 
> Mazel tov - Good luck
> 
> If you want to learn something about Judaism's view on life and other fascinating stuff, I highly recommend following Rabbi Danya on [twitter](https://twitter.com/TheRaDR?s=09).


	8. Do you believe?

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Alec asks Izzy on the last day of her visit. He could finally convince her to let him take her out.

She looks up from her sushi and knits her brow. "Where does that come from, hermano?" She sees the heat crawling up her brother's neck and into his cheeks. "Did you meet someone?" she shrieks and Alec presses his pointer to his lips.

"Sh, Izzy, people know me here." He gives her a stern look and scans the room nervously, but nobody's watching. 

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," she whispers quickly. "Who is he?" Her face is so open and happy, Alec can feel his heart trying to jump out of his chest. He often worried that she was angry that he moved halfway across the country after she and Jace were done with school. But she always was happy for him. He knows that now.

"Yeah. But nothing happened between us," he tries to dampen her enthusiasm.

"Nothing happened between you ... yet?" she asks cautiously and cocks her head to the side.

Suddenly his palms are sweaty and Alec brushes his hands over his thighs. "I don't know if I should follow my feelings. He's kind of a colleague and there might be high hurdles if we tried to give it a chance. Besides, I'm not even sure if he is into me."

Izzy studies his face and smiles at him warmly. She has never seen her brother like that. He's kind of dreamy and it suits him. Still, the permanent frown is on his face as usual. What she would do to make it go away. "Is he gay?" she asks, hoping that her brother didn't fall for a straight best friend type.

"No." Alec lets the word hanging in the air and she looks at him with sad eyes. "But he is bi," he grins. "Told me after I came out to him."

She can't stop herself from rolling her eyes. "Tell me about him."

"He is smart and beautiful. I think he is very kind," Alec replies.

She sighs dramatically. "Oh, Alec, give me a little more. Don't let me worm everything out of you."

Alec snickers. "I actually do not know a lot about him. We only met twice. But there is something about him. I don't know. There was an instant connection even before we changed a single word. He is ... unique, I guess, quite magical." He smiles at his own choice of words. He's a goner, that's for sure. "He is wise and funny. And patient. We're planning a wedding together and without batting an eye he answered all my questions although I think half of them were rather stupid."

"Okay, he is perfection. I get it," Izzy smirks. "What about the hurdles you mentioned? Are they insuperable?"

Alec shakes his head. "I don't think so, but it wouldn't be a walk in the park either. He's a colleague. That alone could be a problem if he doesn't feel the same or if things don't work out. But the bigger thing is that he isn't Christian." He looks at her cautiously. He has no idea how she will react to this piece of information. His sister is deeply rooted in her faith. Yes, she is open-minded about sexuality. But Alec remembers all the services and meetings where they prayed for the unbelievers to find Jesus. He didn't give it a single thought then, but it makes him feel sick now.

"Okay," Izzy says and the word is filled with many unspoken layers. She kocks her head to the side and looks at him with an unreadable expression. Alec wonders if this is her professional lawyer face. It makes him want to squirm and writhe, but he freezes instead. He shouldn't have started this conversation in the first place.

But then something strange happens. A near predatory smile grows on Izzy's face and Alec suddenly feels like a prey item. "His name isn't Magnus by any chance?" Alec's eyes widen comically and his mouth falls open. Isabelle starts laughing hysterically. "Oh, brother, you should see your face."

He collects himself, remembering his earlier conversation with Magnus. "I know that you two met." She nods, still giggling. "He thought you were my fiancée," Alec says nonchalantly, barely suppressing a grin.

"Seriously? That's ... oh ...," Izzy claps a hand to her forehead. "That's why he was so down when he left. Alec, he came to see _you_ that day, but left after helping me with the bags. What if he came to tell you about his feelings for you?"

Alec stares at her. "Are you sure he didn't come to see Lydia?"

Izzy shakes her head, the dark hair flowing around her like ocean waves. "He definitely said he wanted to see you. Oh, that's exciting!" She beams at him. "He likes you. Oh, Alec, I'm so happy for you."

He raises both hands. "Maybe he just wanted to talk to me about work."

Izzy shakes her head with vigour. "No, he looked like a kicked puppy when he left. He really thought I was your fiancée. That must have hurt deeply if he feels the same way, no?"

Hope is a dangerous feeling and Alec tries to ignore it bubbling up in his chest. "Even if he does. There is still the little problem that he's a rabbi. I mean, how is this going to work? He will hardly get baptised."

Alec deflates in his chair and it breaks Izzy's heart. "Is that church policy?"

"What? For spouses of pastors to be baptised? No, not anymore. But how can you be with someone who doesn't share the faith you not only hold, but dedicate your entire life to? Isn't it important to share a belief system?"

"Wasn't Jesus a Jew?" she retorts.

"Yes, but I believe that he is the Messiah, Magnus doesn't. That sounds like an inferno ready to happen. And this is even before you think about raising kids together and other stuff. "

Izzy sighs. It's so typical of her brother to brood over every little detail. Time for a little intervention to pull him out of the deadlock. "He said, you met at an interfaith prayer, right?" Alec nods. "Why were you there?"

Her brother thinks for a moment, then answers, "Because I believe that there are many ways to find God. And I love to learn from others how they connect to the divine. It enriches how I see God and my own faith. It fills me with joy. Jesus said, _In my Father’s house are many homes._ In my understanding this means that God has a place for all of us to stay, no matter where we're coming from. And to be honest, I can't believe in a deity that only offers one path to get to them. I know that Jesus said, _No one comes to the Father, except through me._ But if you look at the context, it's an answer to a question of one of the disciples. I doubt that God denies a righteous person entry to heaven just because they have the 'wrong' religion."

Izzy smiles contentedly. "Okay, then tell me what problems you see with an interfaith relationship."

Alec shrugs. "It's different, isn't it? There is the personal side where we may not understand each other's ways. I think that we could work through this. But then there is the professional side, too. Our congregations could make our lives really hard. Mine is pretty open-minded about many things. But some parishioners might still question my credibility as a pastor if I don't push my partner to believe in Jesus. And my guess is that some might question Magnus' reliability as a rabbi if he's dating a non-Jew. As far as I understand that's a biggie."

"I understand that, Alec. But I think that's the part _he_ should ponder, not you. And regarding your congregation, I think you show your dedication every. single. day. And they will profit by you having a private life. You're burning out, hermano. That will affect your work eventually. You deserve someone at your side that loves and takes care of you. Believe me, being with Meliorn made my life so much better. He is my rock. You deserve one, too."

Alec sighs. "But isn't that a bit much to ask for? I have zero experience in relationships. And ..." he trails off.

"Come on, dude. It's not as if you were a teenage virgin." Alec doesn't meet her eyes and he fiddles with the napkin. He shrugs and Izzy could kick herself. _Shoot._ She always assumed that he had as much of a wild dating history as she had and was just as good as her at covering it up. "That's okay, Alec. He surely won't mind. It's always different with a new partner anyway, you know. Learning what he likes, him learning what you like. You'll figure this out, together."

"Izzy! I can't think about that. I do not even know if he is into me." She raises an eyebrow. "Not 100 per cent, okay? But what if he thinks I'm somehow broken or uptight?"

"Then he is an idiot and doesn't deserve you." She lays a hand on her brother's and squeezes lightly. "You don't need to jump right in. Befriend him first, find out what he feels for you. The rest will fall into place. Just don't do what you always do."

He looks sternly at her. "And what's that?" he asks.

"Overthink it." He wants to protest, but then he chuckles. His sister knows him too well.


	9. Life is a dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

Passing Magnus' office Catarina hears music through the closed door. That's not unusual per se. Magnus likes to listen to music while working. What's different is that he's singing along. Catarina can't remember the last time she heard him sing outside of a service. 

She opens the door a tiny crack and peeks inside. Her mouth falls open. There he is. Not only singing. No, he is dancing! He has always been a good dancer, a friend of parties as much as of dance classes from standard to hip hop. She used to tease him over it when they were younger but loved how he expressed himself through it. And she missed this side of him when Camille had managed to make him stop going clubbing and practising his hobby.

 _"I'm too old for these kinds of things, Catarina. And I need to be more demure, now that I have my own congregation. People won't take me seriously otherwise. And I don't have time for such things anyway."_ Catarina still hears the excuses he had offered her for his changed behaviour and look. She knew those poisoned words came straight from Camille. Cat never understood how this woman had managed to suck the life out of him, take away everything that made him fabulous. She bled him dry only to reproach him with being boring and unlovable. The scars she left behind were deep and there was a time when Cat worried her friend might end it all. 

But he was strong. He had faith. And he had family and friends who helped him through this, even some who he had abandoned when he had lost himself in a one-sided marriage, always yearning for love.

Magnus fought himself back to life. He started wearing make-up again, his clothing became a little more flamboyant, glitter celebrated a return, he joked and softly teased again. But there were still things that had been important parts of him that he had not recovered yet. Dancing was one of those things.

Catarina pushes the door open and stands in the doorway, marvelling at her friend who hasn't lost his graceful movements although he didn't practise for years. Magnus can't see her as he's facing the other way and keeps on dancing and singing a lower voice to the tune that comes out of his Bluetooth loudspeakers.

Catarina just keeps watching him moving his feet and hands and swaying his hips to the music. She snickers when he messes up the key and he swirls around with widened eyes. Frantically he grabs his phone and stops the music. He is out of breath and sports a red neck, maybe due to the dancing, maybe because of being caught flatfooted.

"Don't stop on my account, Magnus. You still got your moves, my friend. And your voice is beautiful. I wish you'd come to the choir practice. You know that we are always short on men. What song was that?"

Magnus smiles a little bashfully. " _[Mi Chamocha](https://link.tospotify.com/pmTky55Fmab)_ by Elana Arian," he explains. Her latest album is great. Maybe we could adopt some of the songs for our service."

"I will look into it," she promises. "But what makes you all dance-y? Good date?" she guesses. 

"Ehm ... something like that." Magnus knits his brow and looks way too serious at her.

Catarina laughs at his antics. "Spill. I need to know what makes my friend find his groove again."

Magnus rolls his eyes and lets himself sink into the sofa. Cat slumps down next to him. "I met Alec yesterday." _Oh._ She can see how his face lights up. "Turns out the lovely lady is his sister who is worried that he's starving, him being single and all. She's just visiting. And, well, he is gay."

His friend raises an amused eyebrow. "And ... ?"

"No 'and'. We worked a bit on the Fairchild-Garroway wedding as he is substituting for Lydia. They changed the date, you know. Well, it was really nice. He is new to interfaith weddings. He asked me to meet with him for lunch tomorrow that he can come properly prepared. I'm pretty sure he works through several books to not bother me with unnecessary questions. He's at least as much a geek about his comparative bible study as I am about Talmud.

"You mean, that you will likely die in each other's arms crushed by a pile of books?" Her smile is amused yet tender. 

"A man can have dreams, darling. Sounds like couple goals, don't you think?" Magnus replies.

Catarina chuckles. "And what do you plan to reach these goals?" she asks.

"I dunno. We will meet at least twice before the wedding and we're both invited to the celebration after the ceremony. I want to get to know him better, see if there is more than infatuation." Cat nods in agreement. 

"I don't want to repeat the mistakes of my past. And I need time to think about some of the effects a relationship with him might have. The last time I dated a goy was before my smicha. So many things have changed since then. After living through a terrible marriage and a divorce I really don't want my heart to be broken again. No matter how beautiful his hazel eyes are." Catarina chuckles.

"But one thing I'm certain of, I want to have him in my life. At least as a friend. I think he's lonely. He is such a kind soul. I don't know. I want to care for him. Is that weird?"

Catarina hums and looks at him in amazement. "No, it's not weird, my dear. But, Magnus, you're already falling for him, aren't you?" Magnus sighs. Yes, he is. No matter how many things might stand in their way, no matter if Alec even reciprocates his feelings, he's falling fast and it scares him to no end. But he also knows he would regret not following his heart. "No matter what happens - I am here for you, Magnus." He takes his friend's hand and presses a soft kiss on her knuckles.

"Thank you, Catarina. What would I do without you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talmud - the primary source of Jewish religious law and theology
> 
> Goy - a non-Jew
> 
> Smicha - the ordination of a rabbi 


	10. Lunch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

Alec fiddles nervously at his bible and checks the markers for the fourth time. He doesn't know what got into him when he suggested meeting over lunch. Now he is waiting in a restaurant that Magnus recommended, ironically called _Izzy's Smokehouse_. Maybe a funny reminder of the misunderstanding that nearly drove them apart.

But is there even something that pulls them together aside from their work? No matter how confident his sister is about Magnus' feelings for him, Alec doesn't allow himself to hope too much. Not yet. Yes, they shared a few private informations, but their conversation was mostly professional. Alec hopes that it doesn't stay that way. Maybe meeting here wasn't such a stupid idea after all.

His head shoots up when he hears someone clearing his throat in front of his table. Magnus looks down at him with a radiant smile. He's way too beautiful with artisan eye make-up and his hair in soft waves. Alec's stomach casts a somersault. He manages to get up, shakes the offered hand, and murmurs, "Hi."

Magnus admires the soft blush that travels up Alec's cheeks. This man is so handsome, with perfect edges and curves, and oh so soft eyes. He wants to pack him in wool so that nobody can hurt him. He wonders what Alec might be like if he lets go of the burdens on his shoulders that are so obvious in his demeanour. "Hello, Alexander. I hope you haven't waited too long."

Alec shakes his head and gives him a private smile. "No. I'm usually early. Bit of a habit of mine." He doesn't say that he needs to adjust to new surroundings to feel comfortable. Magnus surely has no problems like that.

The rabbi's eyes fall on the open book on the table. "I see, you are already working," he says, shrugging out of his coat. Alec smiles shyly and Magnus' heart twitches. He could just sit here and look at him for hours. The waiter saves him from staring too long. "I hope you like meat, Alexander. I just couldn't resist choosing this place for very obvious reasons. I should have checked if you are vegetarian, though."

Alec laughs full-heartedly and Magnus wants to elicit this sound from him for the rest of their lives. Friends should make each other laugh, he reminds himself when his thoughts travel a notch too far. "No, that's quite alright. I never cook with meat, but I like eating it," Alec answers.

"Just like me, then. My kitchen is milchig. So, no meat allowed," Magnus explains.

"I wondered if you're keeping kosher. It's not so common among Reform Jews, is it?" Alec inquires. 

"That depends on the person. Some don't, some eat kosher style. I guess I keep kashrut more strictly than most of my congregants, but my observance is generally more traditional leaning. I also keep Shabbat. Sometimes I think I should have gone for a Conservative ordination, but on the other hand, this gives me more freedom. And my congregation likes that I am observant. I think it makes them feel better." Magnus laughs softly.

"I think I understand what you mean. Everyone expects that I don't eat meat during the Lenten season before Easter, even when they indulge themselves."

"Do you eat meat at that time?" Magnus asks.

"In some years I do. The meaning of lent is to let go of your habits, of luxury, to reflect and work on your relationship with God, to prepare for the holidays. This kind of fasting is meant to help you focus. It should have an effect on your everyday life and hold meaning. 

"Before Ash Wednesday I always reflect on what I am relying on too much that may be unnecessary. One year I might abstain from eating sweets, another year from drinking liquors. This year I fasted take out food and that was really challenging. I ate _a lot_ of boxed mac'n'cheese." Both chuckle.

"I suppose the idea behind lent and kashrut is similar then. Some people try to explain it with science, food safety and such. But I think it's rather spiritual to give something mundane as food sacred rules," Magnus muses.

"So, you never eat where the food isn't kosher?" Alec asks curiously.

"Well, it depends on the definition of 'not kosher'. I won't eat a cheeseburger or pork roast, that's for sure. But if it is a vegetarian lasagna, I'll eat it, even if the kitchen isn't kashered. That's the way I handle it. Would be hard otherwise in my circles. But if I have a choice, I always choose the most kosher option, as this restaurant."

They order and Magnus pulls out a folder. "You wanted to talk about the texts and the music?" he asks, his curiosity barely veiled.

"Ehm, yes. I looked into the wedding you and Lydia did together. I would like to make a few changes if you don't mind." He searches for Magnus' agreement and finds him smiling fondly. These smokey chocolate eyes will be the death of him. _Focus, Lightwood_.

"What kind of changes?" Magnus asks.

"Nothing too invasive, I promise. I just missed a few things. Like ... usually at a Lutheran wedding we have scripture that is read to guide the couple, like Genesis 2:18, but also texts from the New Testament. I thought that this one might be okay with you?" He pushes the open bible over the table.

Magnus reads the marked text from the First Epistle to the Corinthians and nods. "That's really poetic. I didn't know that the New Testament contains such a beautiful text about love." Alec nods. _Love never fails_ the text passage ends and isn't that what both secretly hope for?

The words hang unspoken between them and they look at each other for a long moment until the silence grows heavy. Alec starts fiddling again and Magnus calms his hand with his own. The touch is soft and yet so electrifying. Alec swallows hard.

"Yeah, I like it too," the pastor finally manages to say and it's not quite clear if he means the scripture or Magnus' hand lying on his. The rabbi wants to pull away but finds himself incapable to do so. He barely keeps himself from stroking over the cold hand underneath his own.

The moment breaks when the server brings their lunches. Magnus squeezes Alec's hand and gives him a soft smile. Then he takes his hand away and Alec misses the warmth and contact immediately. 

Magnus lowers his gaze to his plate and murmurs something that Alec can't understand. The pastor folds his hands in his lap and closes his eyes, saying grace in silence. Maybe that's what Magnus just did. When they dig in their sandwiches, he asks him about it.

"Yes, you could compare that. It's a bracha, a formula to acknowledge God as the source of all blessing. There are brachot before you enjoy your meal depending on the kind of food you're having. But there are also some for performing a commandment or for showing your gratitude when something special is happening, like hearing good and bad news or seeing a rainbow," Magnus explains.

"That's beautiful," Alec smiles.

Magnus agrees. "Another way to make something mundane into a sacred act."

"On the subject of brachot. Lydia told me that you said the _Sheva Brachot_ in Hebrew last time. Is there a reason why you don't say them in English?" Alec asks.

"There are passages that are just more powerful in the original Hebrew," Magnus muses.

"Would you mind if I read the translation in addition? I think it would be a shame if the guests didn't understand their meaning."

Magnus shakes his head in thinking. "Sure. We say them over wine. You could share your cup with Luke and I mine with Jocelyn. What do you think?"

"Sounds good." There is a twinkle in Magnus' eyes and Alec can't help the feeling that he was the one that put it there. He feels butterflies in his belly. What if Izzy is right and Magnus feels the same? It's so easy to talk to him. Alec isn't relaxed, not really. But he feels seen in a way that doesn't make him uneasy. That's a new experience.

Later when they say goodbye in front of the restaurant, there is a short moment of hesitation. Magnus looks at Alec with warm yet piercing eyes and it takes Alec's breath away. Magnus closes the gap between them and pulls him into a hug. 

Magnus holds his breath, fearing that he made a mistake as Alec freezes for a second. But then his arms move around him and return the touch. Both breathe in the other's closeness and the embrace lingers a long stretched moment. They are hesitant to let go of one another but half-whisper their goodbyes anyway. It feels bittersweet.

Turning away Magnus feels his heart racing in his chest. He closes his eyes and remembers Alec's dreamy eyes and dopey smile that he is sure is still painted on the pastor's face. Magnus wonders if he looks the same. He does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> milchig - term for kosher food that contains milk products, but no meat. Meat and dairy together aren't kosher.
> 
> Kashrut - Jewish dietary laws
> 
> Sheva Brachot - seven blessings that are usually recited at a Jewish wedding


	11. The wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

Magnus looks into the restroom mirror and takes a deep breath. Just a few more minutes and he will see Alec again. Since their last meeting at the restaurant, they only spoke over the phone and exchanged a few e-mails and text messages to prepare the wedding service. Both their schedules made another encounter impossible.

He walks over to the Main Hall where the ceremony will happen. He sees the chuppah at the end of the room, an electric piano to the side. Catarina stands next to it, talking with a man who is kneeling on the floor, working with the cables of her microphone. 

Magnus moves through the room and takes in the beautiful flower decoration and the chairs that are set to form an aisle in the middle. When he passes the chuppah Catarina greats him, "Hi, Magnus." The man on the floor shoots up, banging his head hard on the instrument. 

Magnus' face doesn't know if it's meant to laugh or to look sorrowfully when Alec rises up, rubbing the aching point on his head. "Sorry, Cat. Didn't mean to hit your piano," he says and the cantor can't suppress a giggle.

"I worry more about you, Alec. Are you alright?" she asks. 

Magnus cuts off his answer. "Let me take a look at it," he orders when he sees Alec's scrunched up face. "It's not bleeding, but we should cool it." Catarina nods and leaves to get some ice.

"I'm fine, Magnus. It'll stop hurting in a minute." Magnus is having none of it. He leads him to the next chair, gently pushes him down, and takes the seat next to him. 

"Dizziness? Nausea? Ringing in the ears?" Magnus asks with concern.

"I don't have a concussion, Magnus. I'll have a bump, that's all."

Magnus reaches out his hand to Catarina who hands him an ice pack. He puts it on Alec's head, caressing his cheek without a second thought. "Okay, darling. Just take a minute that it's not swelling too much, okay?"

Alec nods and leans into Magnus' gentle touch. He closes his eyes. The pain will go away soon. He just needs a second. When he opens his eyes again - how long were they closed? - he sees that Catarina has left again. He becomes aware of their intimate positioning, pulls back a little and takes the ice pack out of Magnus' hand, giving him a small smile. "Thank you," he murmurs. "I'm okay. Let's go through the order a last time. I'm a bit nervous to mess things up."

"You won't. I don't think that anybody has ever been as well prepared as you are, Alexander. I'm looking forward to officiating with you." Magnus gives Alec's thigh a squeeze, walks over to the table behind the chuppah, and checks if everything they need is ready. Soon the first guests will arrive.

He looks around with his phone in hand, searching. "The aux cable is over there," Alec says, pointing to the piano. He obviously didn't let Magnus out of his sight. The rabbi plugs in his phone and starts the playlist with classical music. 

Alec walks over to him, the now warm ice pack in his hand. "Time to get ready," he smiles and Magnus beams back at him. _Showtime._

Alec picks up a heavy black gown with wide sleeves and puts it over his clothes. At his collar, he attaches a white cloth that is split in the middle. Magnus looks at him frowning. "I only know these things from pictures of the early Jewish reform movement. Why are _you_ wearing this?"

Alec is a little flustered. "Well, it's the traditional garment for Lutheran pastors. It's not common in the US anymore, but I prefer it over the colourful vestments."

Magnus laughs. "Even at work, you keep it to your favourite black. That's what I call commitment."

Alec blushes a little and chuckles. "Well, what can I say. Black is my favourite colour."

"And it suits you," Magnus says with a smile. He takes his tallit bag and pulls out his prayer shawl. It is a rich burgundy with intricate golden embroidery. Alec's mouth falls open and Magnus laughs. "Not what you expected?" Alec grins sheepishly and shakes his head no. "I have way too many tallitot, but this is my favourite for weddings," he explains. "I own more traditional ones as well."

Magnus lays the folded tallit over his shoulder and lets his fingers run through the fringes that are attached to each corner. He unfolds the prayer shawl and kisses the upper edge, holds it in front of him and says a blessing. He swings the tallit around himself and hangs it over his head, covering his face. He gathers the corners and moves them over to his left shoulder, then down again and lowers the shawl to his neck, gathering the sides on his shoulders.

Alec watches his movements in mesmerisation. It's like a beautiful dance and he isn't quite sure if it is the ritual itself or the man in front of him that lets him see a glimpse of the divine.

* * *

The wedding ceremony is beautiful, the two clergymen working together in harmony around and with each other. Bride and groom are smiling wide and the guests compliment them for the beautiful service.

While the wedding hall is transformed into a dining and dancing space, everybody gathers on the outside terrace for the champagne reception, to congratulate the newlyweds and to listen to Clary's and Maia's maid of honour speeches.

Alec leans against the balustrade when Magnus joins him. "Wow," Alec can't stop himself from saying. Magnus' former subdued make-up is sprinkled with glitter now, his prior wavy hair spiked up, and the plain suit jacket replaced with a flamboyant long blazer in midnight blue. "You look stunning," Alec says.

"Why thank you, Alexander. You clean up very nicely, too."

"Eighth commandment, Magnus," Alec says sternly, tapping a finger on Magnus' chest.

"Thou shalt not steal?" Magnus asks bewildered.

Alec looks at him for a long confused moment, then grins, "Ah, right, you count them differently. No, I meant the no lie thing."

Magnus laughs. "I'm not lying, darling. You look very handsome. Always, but especially in a tux." He wiggles his eyebrow and Alec blushes, but can't help a little smile.

"First you call me pretty, now handsome. Did Izzy bribe you to butter me up?" The look on Magnus' face is unreadable and Alec could kick himself for putting it there.

"If I make you uncomfortable, Alexander, I will stop complimenting you. It wasn't my intention to do so. I apologise."

"Nah, it's alright, Magnus. I'm just not used to it."

It's the truth after all and the rabbi seems to sense this as his countenance changes to something warm, but then a mischievous smile grows on his lips. "Then I make it my mission to compliment you every time we see each other."

Alec groans, but follows it with a smile. "If you must."

* * *

Alec watches Simon and Raphael on the dance floor slow dancing to a definitely not slow dancing song. It looks stickily sweet and Alec can't help but feel a little sorry for himself. Clary makes a beeline for the table he's sitting at. "Wanna dance, Alec?" she asks, arm outstretched in his direction, but Alec just shakes his head. He won't make a fool of himself. 

Clary shrugs and turns to Magnus who just arrived back from the restroom. She gives him a grin, whispers something in his ear, and pulls him to the dance floor. He laughs and follows her, already picking up the beat and swaying his hips.

The party is in full swing and still, Alec can pick him out in the thick of the fray. He shouldn't ogle him like this. He really shouldn't. But he can't pull his gaze from him. Every movement is perfection. Nobody should be allowed to dance like that.

No wonder that all the single ladies seem to be drawn to Magnus like moths to a flame. Every one of their touches feels like a stab in Alec's stomach and it's so ridiculous, really. Magnus is just dancing with them and Alec has no claim on him whatsoever. Even if he had - Magnus is his own man and does nothing inappropriate. The few gentle touches, private smiles, and a hug they shared until now don't give Alec any right to be jealous.

The song '[Talking body](https://link.tospotify.com/2x50TwNkuab)' starts and the crowd gives him full view on Magnus dancing with a beautiful brunette woman. Alec can't watch any longer. Why torturing himself with something he can never have? If Magnus wants, he won't go home alone tonight and Alec just can't be there to witness that. But he promised Izzy to stay at least until midnight. "Live a little, Alec," she said. And even when his sister can't check if he complies, he counts the minutes left until he's allowed to leave without having to lie to her later.

Alec needs fresh air. He passes the few people scattered on the terrace and leans on the far end of the balustrade, hiding in the half-shadows, letting his gaze wander over Brooklyn. The explicit lyrics reach his ear through the open windows and he imagines hands on Magnus' body, but they aren't his. Alec huffs. Why does he do this to himself? 

He lowers his weight onto his forearms and lets his head fall. The music changes to something less juicy, less driven. Alec breathes steadily on purpose, tries to sort the contradicting thoughts in his mind. His inner turmoil just simmers down on a low flame when he feels a warm hand on his shoulder. He turns his head and looks into glittery chocolate eyes. _Damn it._

"Hey, beautiful," Magnus says, smiling at him, and Alec wants to protest, but remembers Magnus' promise to compliment him every time they see each other. Alec tries hard to swallow the lump in his throat. As dark as this corner of the terrace is, it may hide the crimson blush on his cheeks. But the backlight is enough to see the sweat glittering down Magnus' beautiful face. His shirt clings to his well-defined muscles that are usually hidden underneath several layers of fabric. Being in Magnus' orbit just makes all of this so much harder. It's one thing to admire him from afar. Having his lips so close that he could just lean in and catch them with his own is a totally different story. 

"Are you alright, Alexander?" Magnus asks frowning.

"Sure," he answers, looking down at the city again.

"What was it about the ninth commandment?" Magnus asks, raising an eyebrow. 

"You know that this passage is really about false testimony," Alec replies, still staring into the distance, missing the dramatic eye-roll on Magnus' part.

"Yes, father," the rabbi jokes and that finally breaks through Alec's moodiness. "Oh, a tiny, little smile. I count this as a win," Magnus smirks.

"Sorry, just ... have a lot on my mind," Alec explains. 

"Care to share?" Magnus leans against the balustrade. His face is open and his eyes are warm. And he is so. damn. close.

Alec sighs. Maybe he had a glass of champagne too many or it's the hit on his head, but he just spills. "I'm thinking about how it will be to grow old alone with no one at my side. No one to look at me like Luke looks at Jocelyn or Simon at Raphael." He hears Magnus pulling in a harsh breath and wishes he could take the words back in. _Pathetic._

But Magnus' replying voice is soft. "What makes you think that you won't find someone?" He gestures to the hall. "The newlyweds are the best argument against it."

Alec nods. "Right, just another decade or two of waiting." Alec presses his lips to a thin line, biting back the words that are forming on his tongue. Magnus wants to tell him that he doesn't have to wait a single second longer. But that wouldn't be fair, to either of them. So he settles on something else.

"The man who will conquer your heart will be the luckiest man on earth, Alexander. You deserve to be happy and you will be, I am sure of that."

Alec chuckles darkly. "Your words are very kind, Magnus. But you forget that there are much more interesting bachelors out there, just like yourself. And I will always be the one standing in the shadows never to be seen." The truth of these words is too heavy and Alec can't bear Magnus' intense gaze any longer. "Sorry for killing the mood. I ... should go."

He turns to leave but Magnus catches his hand. "No ... not before you danced with me." Alec's mouth opens to decline. But when Magnus pulls him back, he follows without resistance and finds himself with Magnus' other hand on his shoulder.

[Piano chords](https://link.tospotify.com/RqKOEvi3sab) break through the city's noise from below and a female voice sings, _The city sky's feeling dark tonight_ , and it echoes Alec's earlier thoughts. The music flows around and enwraps them. Magnus starts swaying slowly. Alec barely moves, but Magnus gets closer and it's impossible to avoid his gravity.

Alec lays his free hand on Magnus' waist and the shorter man closes the remaining gap between them. Magnus feels so right flush to his own body. Alec lets him lead the gentle sway even though their arms are placed the other way. The warmth, the softness, and the firm lines of Magnus' frame are just perfect against his own. Alec's eyes fall shut. This shouldn't feel so good, so natural. But it does.

Magnus leans his forehead to Alec's shoulder. If he only gets this one dance, he will pull every little detail into his memory to make this moment last forever. Alec's warm breath on his neck, his hands holding him as his own are holding Alec. Their hearts beating in unison.

He forces himself to pull back a little and looks up at Alec. The taller man slowly opens his eyes. The ever-present frown has left his face and Magnus soaks him in - the vulnerable hazel eyes, the split eyebrow, the slightly open lips, the rose colouring his cheeks. And he just can't. Can't hold himself back, doesn't want to any longer. And holding Alec's gaze he raises himself on tiptoes and presses the softest of kisses on Alec's lips.

Magnus lowers himself, holding his breath. Alec seems to be frozen. Did he misread the signs? Did he mess up what could have become a great friendship? But before he can apologise Alec lets go of him.

He raises his hands to the back of Magnus' head, gently brushing his fingers through the short hair. Alec looks at him for a very long moment and pulls him into another kiss, first warm and sweet, then hard and needy. Their lips dance to the music of their souls. And it's perfect. It feels right. It feels like finally coming home. 

They lean their foreheads together and breathe the same air. Magnus snickers softly and Alec joins with a low chuckle. _Wow._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chuppah - a canopy under which a Jewish couple stands during their wedding ceremony
> 
> Tallit/tallitot (pl.) - [Jewish prayer shawl](https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Michael%27s_Bar_Mitzvah_3.jpg#mw-jump-to-license)
> 
> [Lutheran gown and Geneva bands](https://www.lippische-landeskirche.de/daten/Image/news_image/870_org.jpg)
> 
> [Jewish version of this garment](http://www.jewishteacher.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/cache_865029904.jpg).


	12. To talk or not to talk

"I'm all into parties. But what do you say we get out of here?" Magnus asks and Alec just nods, smiling down at him.

Magnus lets go of his hand and walks to the wedding hall. Alec can't help but feel a little abandoned while they pick up their stuff and say goodbye to Jocelyn and Luke.

While they are waiting for a cab, they sneak looks, but nothing more. Alec fiddles with his bag and tries to look anywhere but at Magnus. The other man is bantering with the page boy anyway.

What was like soaking in life just a few minutes ago, now feels strange at best. Where are they even going? What are Magnus' plans? He probably only wants a one-night stand. Maybe a pastor is still on his bucket list. But no, that's not the man Alec got to know over the last few weeks. Though earlier Alec thought he would not go home alone tonight. So, who knows? 

When the cab finally arrives, Magnus gives the driver his address. Okay, at least not a hotel room or his own crappy apartment. As suitable as it is for Alec's needs, bringing someone into his flat has never really been a plan. Oh, God. What if Magnus really wants to sleep with him? He can't do that. He's not ready! _Fuck._

As if he senses Alec's spiralling thoughts Magnus intertwines their hands as soon as the car door closes. And it helps, this little anchor of contact. Still.

Magnus studies Alec's face. His own worries that spiked up as soon as the cab arrived are pushed aside when he looks at him. The poor man is pale and looks as if he is going to have a panic attack. Magnus wants to punch the person who is responsible for that. He hopes it isn't himself. Did he already do something wrong? Does Alec regret what happened between them? But then he feels Alec squeezing his hand back and he relaxes, at least a little.

"Are you okay, Alexander?" Magnus asks, concern colouring his voice. Alec nods and looks at their hands. "I hope it was okay that I gave him my address. It's closer than your place and I thought we should have a private place to talk."

Talking. That doesn't sound too bad. Not that Alec is the best with words when the topic is his emotions, but they obviously need to have a conversation.

The drive is silent as is their elevator ride. When the apartment door finally closes behind them, Magnus sighs. He turns to Alec who stands rooted in the hallway, looking into the living room. Magnus takes Alec's coat and leads him to the sofas. The pastor doesn't sit down though. His stance reminds Magnus of a soldier waiting for a command. To keep himself occupied, he asks, "Do you fancy a drink?" Alec just wants a glass of water. Magnus decides to have one too, but more of the Scottish kind.

He settles with his whisky on the far end of the sofa and Alec sits down on the other. This feels so stilted after what they did before. Magnus sighs again. He opens his mouth to say something, but Alec beats him to it.

"Your home is beautiful," Alec says. His tone is controlled, nearly flat.

"I'm happy you like it," Magnus replies. At this rate, they'll finish this conversation in their 80s. Magnus clears his throat. "Alexander, how are you feeling?"

Alec's eyes search his and he laughs stiffly. "To be honest, I do not really know." He looks away again, fixating his gaze on the artwork at the opposite wall. "Too many things and at the same time nothing."

Magnus smiles tenderly. "I know what you mean. Listen, ... I really liked what we did. But if you have second thoughts, that's alright." His voice is calm and steady, yet Magnus' heart is a millimetre away from jumping out of his chest. No, it wouldn't be okay. Not really.

Of course, he would let him go, but he really doesn't want to. Alec seems to think about the answer and Magnus' heart drops. Okay, this is it. Hopefully, he lets him down gently. He had been too straight forward, or too fast, too needy or one of the hundred other things former lovers accused him of.

"I don't want to sleep with you tonight," Alec blurts out and his wide Bambi eyes would be funny if Magnus couldn't also see the panic in them. 

"That's okay, Alexander. That wasn't my plan anyway. Not until we both feel comfortable doing it. I really only want to talk." His eyes fall on Alec's lips. "Well, maybe not just talk. Maybe a bit more kissing, if you want to."

Alec chuckles a little and gives him a small smile. "I would love that." Alec looks so shy and cute. Magnus moves closer to him, takes his hand, and softly strokes over the knuckles. Closing the gap between them, he kisses Alec softly on the lips. The younger man relaxes next to him, his hands move to Magnus' waist and Magnus cups his face. Yes, this is better. Their kisses are slow and tender. After a long while, Magnus must convince himself to stop, because they really need to talk.

He leans his forehead against Alec's and breathes, "You're such a good kisser." Alec just answers with an incredulous snort. Magnus is taken aback. "Did nobody ever compliment you on it?" Magnus wonders what kind of asshats Alec's former boyfriends must have been.

"I doubt that Aline liked our kiss very much. One week later she came out as a lesbian," Alec chuckles. Magnus laughs with him until he realises that this is the end of Alec's kissing list. _Oh._

"So ... you have never been in a relationship, Alexander?" Alec avoids his gaze and that should be answer enough.

His face is crimson red and shame crawls under his skin. He looks down to the hands in his lap and pinches the flesh between his thumb and his pointer. This is it. Magnus will ask him to leave. "I understand if that's a disqualifier," he finally presses out when the silence stretches too long.

Magnus grabs Alec's chin and softly moves his face in his direction. He waits patiently until their eyes meet. "Why do you think that this would disqualify you?" Alec shrugs his shoulders. "There's nothing wrong about not having sex. Just ... is this something that ...," Magnus tries to find the right words, "... you're just not interested in? Or do you want to be a virgin on your wedding night?"

Alec shakes his head no. "I'm not asexual if that's what you mean. It just never happened. I couldn't date in my teens. After that, I never found the right guy and I'm not made for one-offs. My dates weren't really pleased with my lack of experience. It's not that I don't want to or keep me pure or something. I don't think of sex in such terms."

Magnus is relieved. Not that any of this would have been a problem, but at least they seem to be on the same page. "I meant it when I said that we both must be ready for it, Alexander. And I guess, we have a few things to figure out before we take that step." Alec nods in agreement. Magnus softly caresses his cheeks. "I really like you, Alexander. I haven't felt like this for a very long time."

"I really like you, too." Alec's smile grows slowly and it lifts a weight off Magnus' heart. Alec leans in and kisses Magnus who sighs contently against his lips. Maybe - at least sometimes - talking is overrated.


	13. The talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

Alec wakes up to rays of sunlight flooding through the French door and the wide windows. The room looks so different in the morning sun. The warmth of the soft lighting at night is replaced by the warmness of dark furniture and rich colours in every item of decoration. It hits him that this is what Izzy meant. This feels like home - _a_ home he immediately corrects himself.

It takes a moment to remember why he's even here. But then a smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. This wasn't just a dream. Last night really happened. Magnus happened. Thinking of which, where is he? Alexander is pretty sure they fell asleep on the couch together. He chuckles. He spent his first night with another man, kissing and cuddling. And it felt good, and right, and wonderful.

He doesn't want to destroy the morning silence. Maybe Magnus moved to his bedroom and is still asleep. He wouldn't want to wake him. So he decides to walk out on the balcony. As stunning as Magnus' loft is, the view takes his breath away. Is this really a rabbi's home? With this location, it must be unaffordable to rent.

He more feels than hears movement behind him and turns around. Magnus still wears the remnants of yesterday's suit and a tallit bag in his hand. He gives him a warm smile and Alec feels butterflies storming through his chest. Even with smudged make-up, Magnus is the most beautiful man he has ever seen. "Good morning, Alexander. I hope I didn't wake you."

Alec smiles back. "No." He looks down to the bag in Magnus' hand. "Do you need to go?" he asks.

Magnus shakes his head. "No, I just wanted to pray Shacharit. Do you have to be somewhere? I can postpone it if you need to leave soon. In that case, we should have breakfast first."

"Ehm, no, actually. I ... took a day off. Well, not really. Lydia sat me down and told me she would kick my butt if I don't take my weekly personal day. I think she and Izzy are conspiring against me." He rolls his eyes. 

"I think they care about you. And they are right. Hashem gave us Shabbat for a reason. And even if you don't share the concept, the idea of regular rest is one of the better ones of humankind, don't you think?"

Alec shrugs his shoulders. "Never had a reason to take it. There is always work to do."

Magnus steps into Alec's personal space, takes his face gently into his hands and gives him a kiss. "I guess you have a reason, now." Magnus hopes that he isn't too straight forward. But if he can help Alec taking better care of himself, he will.

Alec smiles and kisses him back. "They will have to drag me back to work," he chuckles and it's only a bit of an exaggeration.

"I'm free until late afternoon. I feared a hangover and wanted to be as fresh as possible for the evening service. If you want, we could spend the day together," Magnus proposes.

Alec hums his agreement and pulls Magnus back into a kiss. How did he survive without this? It feels like life, like colours that pierce through the grey. A few hours of having a boyfriend and he's already a total sap. Is Magnus is boyfriend though? They should really talk, this time for real.

"Would you like to take a shower? I only need about half an hour for the morning prayer," Magnus asks.

"Sure, if you have a change of clothes for me. And I could make breakfast while you take one."

* * *

Over breakfast they talk about this and that. But avoidance only brings you that far. "So ... you and me, huh?" It's not Alec's smoothest line, but it puts the topic on the table.

"Looks like it, doesn't it?" Both chuckle. "We should talk about what this means for our lives," Magnus says.

"Yeah. Maybe the personal first?" Alec asks and Magnus nods. Alec takes a sip of his coffee. For once he wants to be bold. "I want to be with you, as ... as your boyfriend."

Magnus' face lights up. "I want that, too. Very much so."

"Good," Alec lets out the breath he was holding. "Good. But I never had a boyfriend before and I have no idea how my congregation will react to that, much less to the fact that I am dating you." He's nervous about how Magnus might take this piece of information. But he needn't. 

"My strong guess is that they know that you prefer men. Some parishioners tried to set us up already." Alec's mouth falls open, but Magnus only grins at him. "You don't owe them a big declaration anyway. You already know that they are LGBTQ+ affirmative. Don't worry about that."

Alec isn't the not-worry-type, but maybe it's too early in their relationship to let this side of him show. "Okay, but what about you?"

"Oh, my congregation knows. Camille took care of that, but it totally backfired. The synagogue leadership sent her to hell after she outed me without my permission."

"That's good to know. Not that she did that to you, but that they had your back. Still, are there any rules regarding who you are dating?"

Magnus shakes his head. "No. I mean, there will always be some people who'll say I should date a Jew, but in my denomination, that's less likely. One of the reasons I chose it."

"What about your family?" That's the part Alec is even more anxious about. Magnus falls silent. _Not a good sign_ , Alec thinks.

"I guess that they will be happy that I found someone and am ready to date again. After Camille ... let's say, they worried about me." It's way too early to talk about this time of his life. "What about you?"

"Izzy and Jace will dance with glee. I think they are waiting for it long enough to happen. My parents ...," he shrugs as if it was nothing, "... disowned me when I converted. I never had the chance to come out to them."

"I'm sorry," Magnus says and takes his hand, stroking softly over his knuckles.

"Don't be. I stopped crying about it a long time ago. I can't change them and ... they don't love me enough to want to." It's way too early to talk about this, too. Both have baggage. That's just the way it is.

"So, how do you want to go about this? Do we just go out like every other couple or do we keep it private first?" Magnus asks and Alec is torn. On one hand, he doesn't want to restrict himself. He always dreamt of holding his boyfriend's hand in public, show off the man at his side. But the background of their relationship is unpredictable. 

"I don't want to hide you ... but I also don't want to throw our relationship to the wolves, if you know what I mean."

Magnus nods. "I agree. What about dates at our homes and maybe at not-so-obvious romantic places with no PDA?" Alec bites on his lower lip but nods nonetheless. "What about telling those closest to us?" Magnus inquires. Alec's eyes shoot up and he blushes. _Don't let me be your dirty little secret_ , Magnus thinks.

"I want to tell my siblings about us. And ... maybe Lydia? Only if that's fine with you, of course." Alec looks hopeful, but also uneasy.

Magnus nods. "I want to tell my parents and Catarina. She's my best friend. And maybe Raphael and Simon if that's alright. They will understand after all." Alec's face lights up and he smiles. They are really doing this. "Just a heads-up. My mother will most likely insist that you come to Shabbes dinner next Friday if I tell her about us tonight."

"I will make sure that I am free." Alec replies. His countenance turns serious. "Magnus, I really what this ... between us ... I want this to work."

"I want that, too, Alexander." Magnus feels that there is more and he knows it would be stupid to ignore it, even if he really just wants to enjoy the time with his new boyfriend. "What is it?"

Alec plays with the handle of his mug. "Do you think that we might be too ...," he trails off.

"Different?" Alec nods. "We're from totally different worlds. But that can only come between us if we let it." He squeezes Alec's hand. "It will be work sometimes, there might be unknown traps and we will blunder. But I'm willing to learn and to listen, if you are, too. I'm all for effort."

"Me, too," Alec says with a lopsided smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shacharit - Jewish morning prayer, prayed some time between dawn and noon


	14. Shabbes with the Banes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

One week, two lunch dates, five nights sleeping in Magnus' bed, and a thousand stolen kisses later Alec is standing at the entrance of Magnus' synagogue. He wears his best suit - the one from the wedding night - and waits while the security guard checks his details. 

It never occurred to Alec that a house of worship might need this kind of precautions, not in his homeland. Of course, he knows about the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting. Maybe the grumpy looking old man who always awaits them at Raphael's synagogue, but never takes part when they are praying, is there for security reasons, too.

When he passed the checkup a familiar face greets him with a smile. Catarina hands him a kippah and a prayer book and shows him the way to the sanctuary. 

He sits down in the last row. He doesn't want to disturb the service. Still, people are coming over, asking if he needs help. Alec guesses they might be part of the synagogue leadership. He introduces himself as Magnus' friend. It feels wrong, but what else can he do?

People are coming and going all the time, they are talking with each other while the service is going on. It's a bit strange but nice at the same time. It is vivid. 

There is a lot to take in for Alec. The choral music, the Hebrew texts mixed with English. Alec learnt Hebrew for his studies, but he hangs on the transliteration nonetheless and still misses the boat more than once. Looking at Magnus is just too distracting. 

Alec is surprised how much of the service is actually led by Catarina and how the congregation is deeply involved, not just a few songs here and there. Most of the liturgy is sung by everyone together.

Magnus is just one of many, apart from the short sermon he gives. Many people go and talk to him, but he isn't the main leader. Alec's services are so different. The cantor only plays the organ, the rest is pretty much his job: greeting and saying goodbye at the door, the liturgy, reading the scripture, preaching, intonating the psalm, and so on.

Pretty ironic if you think about it. It had been Luther who introduced the doctrine of the universal priesthood of all believers that gave laypersons and the clergy equal rights and responsibilities. It was one of the things that attracted Alec when he was searching for a new home for his faith. 

Still, he often feels like a one-man show, especially when there is no cantor available and he adds guitar accompaniment to the long list of responsibilities. Maybe he should talk to Lydia about how they can involve more laypersons in the weekly services, not just on the high holidays. It would reduce the burden and surely would make the services more attractive, too.

When the service is over, an elderly lady invites Alec for Oneg Shabbat. Before he can answer, he feels a warm hand on the small of his back. "Thank you, Mrs Segal, but my mother is already waiting for us," Magnus says. The women nods and wishes, "Shabbat shalom."

"What did she invite me to?" Alec asks, leaning a little into the touch.

"Oneg Shabbat is a gathering to express the joy of Shabbes. It's very entertaining with community discussions, lectures, but also singing, sometimes drama. It's fun. We should definitely go some time."

Alec nods. Maybe one day all of this will be familiar and a natural part of his life, of their life together.

They walk as Magnus doesn't use any vehicles on Shabbat. They are walking next to each other and their hands touch now and then. It sends a thunderbolt through both of them. When they finally climb the stairs to the third floor, Alec's nervousness skyrockets. What if they don't like him? He holds on to the bottle of kosher wine that he brought as a hospitality gift.

Before unlocking the door Magnus turns to him and gives him a soft kiss. "It'll be fine, Alexander." Alec wonders if Magnus can already read him that good or if it's just a thing you're saying when your boyfriend meets your parents for the first time.

They step into the hallway, hang up their coats and put their shoes aside. "Magnus, is that you?" a warm female voice asks and Magnus rolls his eyes in amusement. His smile is fond.

"No, mum, I am a burglar with a key," Magnus replies. They walk through the hallway into the dining room. A woman with dark, curly hair and warm brown eyes stands behind a table that is set festively. Alec remembers wedding decorations that pale in comparison. The woman walks over and embraces Magnus, pressing a kiss on his cheek. "Mum, this is Alexander."

They shake hands. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs Bane," Alec says and hands over the wine bottle. He moves into the soldier stance like the first night at the loft and Magnus makes a mental note to find out what this is about.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, too. Please, call me Debby. Mrs Bane is my mother-in-law." She gives him a warm smile and it makes Magnus all soft inside. 

"Can we help with anything, mum?"

"No, your father will be here in a few minutes. Why don't you boys sit down? I just rearrange the food on the blech quickly."

Magnus pulls out a chair for Alec who finally unfreezes. "Are you alright, darling?" Magnus asks. Alec hums. Magnus squeezes his hand. "They don't bite." Alec chuckles darkly and plays with the cuff of his shirt. Magnus looks at him in concern. 

There is the sound of a key turning in the lock and Alec's body braces even more visibly. Why is he so anxious? Magnus doesn't understand. He brushes little circles on Alec's thigh until a man with grey hair and piercing blue eyes enters the room. "Magnus," he calls in a husky voice and pulls him into a hug.

Alec tries to get up but gets stuck between the chair and the table. "Stay seated. My name is Saul," he introduces himself.

"Alec," Alec presses out, shaking the offered hand while still hanging awkwardly in the air above his chair. But Saul just smiles warmly at him and Alec thinks he found a family pattern. So much warmth, it nearly hurts. He pushes away the thoughts of his own dysfunctional family. He's here to impress his boyfriend's parents, not to build up a breakdown.

He feels Magnus' gaze burning from the side. But before he needs to find his words, Debby is back. She carries several dishes and she looks like a well-experienced waitress.

"Time for kiddush," she exclaims. She fills a silver cup with wine and everyone gets up. Magnus starts to recite the prayer, holding the cup in the palm of his hand. When he's finished, he pours some of the wine into three glasses and everyone drinks.

He lifts an embroidered cloth and reveals two challot, holds them together bottom to bottom, and speaks a bracha that Alec recognises as the one he always speaks over breakfast. He really needs to ask him what this is about. 

After that they sit down and eat. The conversation flows freely between Magnus and his parents. Alec tries to follow but gives up at what feels like the 20th aunt and uncle they are talking about.

Saul clears his throat. "Enough of the family gossip. We're surely boring Alec to death."

"Not at all, sir," Alec says and it nearly sounds genuine. Saul raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment on the formal title.

"Magnus told us that you are a pastor," Debby says and Alec swallows. _Here we go._

"Yes, at the St Paul Lutheran church. It's a rather small congregation, so you might not have heard about it."

"Oh, we have. Raphael raved about your beautiful stained glass windows last week. Noach's ark if I remember right," Saul replies.

"Ehm, yes, they are our pride and joy. They are rather modern, only 20 years old. Before that, the windows were just plain glass," Alec explains.

There is a long pause. Magnus' parents still smile at him and Alec really doesn't know what to do with it. They are just so different from his own parents. Even if he brought home the preacher's daughter, his parents wouldn't look at him like that. Alec pushes the mental image away.

"You said, your parish was small. What size are we talking about?" Saul asks.

"Ehm, around 2500, but we are two pastors. My colleague Lydia does youth and young family work, my realm is mainly the work with middle-aged people and the elderly. Apart from the interfaith work that is."

Magnus lays a hand on his forearm. "St Paul has a great communal outreach with weekly meals delivered to the doorsteps of elderly people. They even included kosher options for our congregants in need."

"Meals on heels?" Debby asks and both men nod. "Auntie Helen gets a meal from you then. It's such a great thing. She's always looking forward to it. How do you fund this?"

"Private donors, mostly. Some restaurants and supermarkets donate food, too. It's not easy to stay away from the red figures, but we manage," he answers.

"And who cooks the food?" Saul inquires. 

"We have a communal kitchen where most of the food is prepared by volunteers. We externally order kosher and halal food, only the salads are done in our kitchen, separated from the rest. We don't have a hechsher, but we do as Magnus told us to prepare the salad. It saves a lot of money."

"It's great to see how much effort you put in your work, and not only for your own people," Debby praises and her look is so soft that it makes Alec's heart clench. He doesn't know why he feels so close to going under. Is it always like that when you meet your in-laws?

Before he can correct his inner choice of words, Saul states, "I like a man who works hard for the community."

"He's working way too hard, dad. Nobody should slog 24/7, no matter how important their mission is," Magnus argues.

"You learnt that lesson the hard way, son. Keep your boyfriend out of that trouble," Saul says, sympathetically nodding into Alec's direction. 

Magnus snorts but sobers up right afterwards. "I thought you were - what was is called - shomer Shabbat since your 18th birthday. How come you overworked on Shabbes?" Alec asks, not missing the small smile on Debby's lips when he uses the Yiddish word.

Magnus shifts around on his chair. "As you said, there is always something to do. And if you don't want to go home you find many options to fill the time between the services and prayer times." Magnus empties his wine glass in one big gulp. Okay, Alec obviously walked into a sandtrap. _Damn it._

"What do you do in your spare time?" Debby saves the situation.

"When I was younger I did archery, stopped doing that when I moved out from my parents, though."

"Why?" Saul asks. It's the evening of sandtraps as it seems.

"My father wanted me to learn to shoot firearms. I didn't want to. It was a compromise and I got rather good. Nearly made it to the Olympics."

"You're joking!" Magnus blurts out. Alec only shrugs his shoulders. 

"My grades weren't good enough in my parents' opinion, so they banned me from qualifying and the next turn I was already studying. I had to work to support myself, so there was no time to practise anyway."

 _I stopped crying about it a long time ago._ Alec's words echo in Magnus' head and he wants to cry on his behalf. Alec looks so unaffected by his own heartbreaking story, it hurts him physically. He grabs Alec's hand underneath the table and squeezes it before stroking soothingly over the cold skin.

Alec puts a smile on his face and turns to Magnus' mother. "Your cooking is delicious, Mrs ... Debby. Do you bake the challah yourself?" he asks.

Magnus' mother takes a deep breath and accepts the change of subject. "No, I don't have the strength to knead the dough anymore. But there is a lovely kosher bakery only two blocks away. They have a great assortment of pastries and such, all parve. Magnus loves the cinnamon rolls."

"Did you get some?" Magnus asks.

"But of course, my love."

Alec chuckles softly when he looks at his boyfriend who beams like a child in a candy store.

* * *

After dinner they move to the living room. Alec looks at a wall with family photos. Magnus was such a cute baby. And he obviously had wild teenage years. "You should go back to highlighting your hair or whatever this is called. The blue looks great on you," he comments. Magnus hums. 

"Haven't done this in years. Maybe I should," he agrees. Alec pulls him in for a kiss. It's more for grounding himself than anything else. Since they arrived, Alec feels afloat, but in an uneasy way.

Debby enters the room and Alec lets go of Magnus. "We can kiss in front of my mother. It's okay," his boyfriend whispers in his ear and it's a strange concept for Alec, showing affection in front of your family.

They sit down on the couch and Magnus intertwines their hands, the point of contact an anchor in Alec's turmoil.

"Do you want to see more of the cutie pie your man once has been?" Debby asks and Magnus rolls his eyes. Alec grins at that and it's confirmation enough for Debby to pull out a photo album. She sits down next to Alec and opens it between them. Saul sits down on an armchair opposite of them and smiles. 

"This is the day we got him. He was 17 weeks old. We fell in love head over heels," she explains and reaches around Alec to brush over Magnus' back.

Alec smiles at the little baby with wild black hair. "Is this Magnus' first bath?" he asks, looking at baby Magnus wrapped into a towel.

"No, that's after the mikveh. He was already circumcised at that point, but if a baby isn't born to a Jewish mother they still need to immerse in the ritual bath, like any other convert to Judaism," she explains.

They skim through the pictures. Magnus had goth and punk phases. Debby tells stories about mishaps and antics. She talks so affectionately about her son that Alec can feel the love and adoration dripping out of every word. This is what unconditional love looks like. Alec wouldn't know. Not until today.

The baby in the first photos becomes a boy and slowly a man. He's a lanky teenager, but he already wears this great smile that always turns Alec's insides to mush. Another turned page and another smile, but Debby hesitates. She studies Alec's face.

Alec swallows hard. "You looked happy on your wedding day," he finally says. Alec wants to keep his gaze on Magnus in this photo, but he can't help it. Camille is beautiful. Her features are appealing, no matter what. Alec thanks God that she is a woman. It's more difficult to compare himself to her. Though visually she ticks all the boxes of a perfect bride. Alec squeezes Magnus' hand. He has him now.

Debby flips the page. The next photos show a different Magnus. More subdued. He's still beautiful, but his smiles are ... not fake, but they look unnatural on him. He looks nearly plain. The last photo shows him carrying a Torah scroll surrounded by people. He has a real smile on his face again. The date says 2019. 

Magnus leans his head on Alec's shoulder and brushes his hand over Alec's thigh. The silence isn't uncomfortable. Alec slowly starts to relax.

The evening processes with funny stories about Magnus, family anecdotes, and vacations they spent abroad. Alec laughs a lot and Magnus loves the to-ing and fro-ing that develops between Debby and Alec. The two are on the same wavelength.

Later when they say goodbye, Debby pulls Alec to the side. "Take good care of my boy, okay? I can see that you are a good man. I just can't see him broken again."

"I will do my best to make him happy," he promises. Debby pulls him into a surprise hug. It feels good.

* * *

"Still wanna be with me?" Magnus asks on their way home.

Alec smiles. "Now, more than ever."

Magnus frowns, "Why is that?"

"At the dinner table I was a shitty converser, wasn't smooth at all, and they still gave me the feeling of being welcomed and accepted. You are one lucky man to have such a family, Magnus. It would be stupid to not be with you. But the prospect of having you plus your family in my life is really the cherry on the cake. Your family is wonderful."

Magnus laughs. "You don't know uncle Dean, yet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blech - a metal sheet used to cover stovetop burners; sometimes a term used for hot plates (obeservant Jews don't cook on Shabbat)
> 
> Challah/challot (pl.) - braided yeast buns
> 
> Hechsher - rabbinical sign of approval that a food is kosher
> 
> Parve - kosher food that doesn't contain milk or meat


	15. Vulnerability

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

"Why are we never at your place?" Magnus asks one evening. Hanukkah is finally over and they have all but three days left until Alec's Christmas craziness is starting. Alec swallows the leftovers of Debby's brisket with latkes and taps the wooden fork on the paper plate.

"It's not really a nice place. Not like ...," he gestures to Magnus' loft around them.

"It's yours, Alexander. Why wouldn't it be nice?" Alec shrugs. A mischievous grin grows on Magnus' face. "Or are you hiding something naughty from me?"

Alec snorts. "You know that I am not a naughty guy. More than two weeks and nothing happened below the belt."

"Still waters run deep," Magnus still grins. "No, but seriously. You will be rather occupied the next week and I don't want to waste the sparse time we have for you to come over. Alec clenches and unclenches his hand. "Are you afraid that someone might see me?"

"No, that's not it. I'm just ... Izzy might have mentioned that my flat is not very homely ... or it rather is, depending on how you use the word. It's plain and functional."

"It's your home, Alexander. The only one who needs to like it is you." Magnus brushes softly over Alec's fist until he opens it and intertwines their hands.

"I'm always waiting for the moment you realise that I am too boring for you. Don't need to speed up the process," Alec murmurs.

Magnus lets his fork sink and sighs. "Alexander, you are a lot of things, but boring isn't one of them. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you." Alec huffs. "From the things you told me about your life, I know it wasn't easy and love wasn't freely given. Let me be the one to show and tell you how special you are. Will you?"

Alec blushes and shakes his head no. "I'm not ..."

"But you are. And I'd be a shitty boyfriend if I'd let you think so little of yourself." He gets up and pulls Alec to the sofa, down into his lap on top of him. He waits until Alec's cheek is nestled to his chest. He brushes a hand through Alec's hair, again and again, feeling the other man slowly, but surely sinking into him.

"You are beautiful," Magnus starts and Alec makes a disapproving noise. He shushes him. "Now it's time to listen, darling. You _are_ beautiful. One day I will map out your whole body and will show every part of you how much I adore it. But you are more than just your good looks. You are kind, and thoughtful, and warm-hearted. You care about others, fight for them, give your all. You are smart and funny. You had such a hard life and still, you're not angry at the world. 

"You make me feel wanted and safe. You make me want to be better, do better." Alec raises his head and cocks an eyebrow. "Nobody has ever questioned the use of plastic cutlery and such at my congregation, neither did I at home when I eat something fleishig. And then you just bought the biodegradable stuff for me. You didn't lecture me, you just showed me a possible change.

"You touch so many people's lives, Alexander. You are hard-working, and stubborn when need be. You don't take the easy road, you take the one that is needed."

"Do I, though? We're not even holding hands in public," Alec argues.

"We decided that together. We wanted to buy us time to build our relationship before others might try to tear it down. As I see it, I am selfish and don't want to share this part of you with anyone but my closest family and friends. At least for now. It's okay to be selfish as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. If you changed your mind, we should talk about it. But otherwise, that doesn't say anything."

"I feel inadequate," Alec confesses.

"Why?"

"Am just not enough. Fall asleep as soon as we cuddle on the couch, don't give you what you need. Have no experience. Am ..."

Magnus interrupts him. "You give me everything that I need. You listen to me when I need someone to talk to. You hold me through the night. You kiss me like no one ever did before. We'll get to the other stuff eventually. But you're not ready. And that's alright. I like it that way. I like to get to know you better. I doubt that we will do a lot of other things when we first start having sex."

Alec snickers. "You think so? What if I am _really_ bad?"

Magnus rolls his eyes and ruffles Alec's hair. "You are a quick study. And you've got yourself a good teacher." 

Alec props up his head on Magnus' chest and smirks at him. "You seem to be profoundly convinced that you are a sex god."

Magnus chuckles. "I may not be divine, but I'm not half bad."

"Do you ever doubt yourself?" Alec asks quietly.

Magnus looks at him thoughtfully. "More often than I should. I mean, a little doubt is necessary. Otherwise, you're just full of your own importance. But it shouldn't end in self-deprecation. If you always second guess yourself, it's killing you slowly."

"Is that what happened through your marriage?"

Magnus nods, a painful expression on his face. "Camille belittled me, called me names. Her attacks were always verbal, but it still hurt. She isolated me from my friends, made me believe that they don't like me. She loved to humiliate me in front of others. With time I believed the things she said about me. That I wasn't good enough, smart enough, faithful enough. 

"She accused me of cheating. She was convinced that as a bisexual man I couldn't keep it in my pants. Every congregant I spoke to, even the checkout clerk at the supermarket was a potential person I'd be philandering with. Funny enough, it took me finding her in bed with another man to finally break up with her."

"I am so sorry, Magnus. She was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Nobody should be treated like this. Much less a person you claim to love. You are such a wonderful man. She didn't deserve you." Alec brushes his thumb over Magnus' cheek.

"It took a long time and a lot of therapy to get well again, to trust my own gut. I still go twice a month. I'm not always strong and stable, Alexander. I'm still insecure sometimes, feel incompetent or unworthy."

"When you're with me?" Alec asks in concern.

Magnus gives him a small smile. "Much less than I expected, but yes. Sometimes when I'm with you, too."

"Will you tell me? From now on, I want to allay your fears. You're perfect." He presses a soft kiss on Magnus' lips.

"If you promise to not laugh at my stupidity."

"I can't promise that." Magnus looks at him anxiously. Alec hurries to calm him. "Sorry, joke gone wrong. What I mean is - you are not stupid, so I can't laugh about your stupidity. But I promise to never laugh at you when you share your vulnerability with me."

Magnus pulls him closer to his chest. "Thank you, my love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanukkah - Jewish Festival of Lights
> 
> Latkes - potato fritters, traditionally eaten at Hanukkah 
> 
> Fleishig - a kosher food that contains meat


	16. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

Alec falls into his bed. He is dead tired. He has the Christmas Eve service and the midnight mass behind him. Two services done, four more to go. He loves Christmas, but it's the busiest week of the year, apart from Holy Week that is.

He misses Magnus. He saw him just yesterday and still. Maybe it's not only that he isn't here. Maybe it's because they can't share this. It's easy for Alec to go to a Hanukkah celebration, even if everything is new for him. But he can't just ask Magnus to come to Church. And he can't ask him to sleep in this freezing cold apartment when he has underfloor heating in his loft and a soft mattress that doesn't kill his back.

Alec dozes off and dreams wild stuff from Magnus as a tightrope artist to himself flying over an active volcano. He wakes up in the early morning hours. Unable to find back to sleep he goes over the three services on Christmas day and the one on St. Stephan's Day. He thinks back to his English friend at elementary school who always called it Boxing day. Those were good times before everyone expected him to become the perfect Christian husband material.

At 10 am he calls Izzy to wish her Merry Christmas. At noon he dares to call Jace. He knows that his brother loves to sleep in on a day off. Both ask him to come to visit at the turn of the year. He declines. He will work like he always does. He wants Lydia to travel to her parents on the west coast. She misses them dearly.

After that he calls his parents, but to no surprise, nobody's picking up the phone. He hoped to hear Max. Sometimes dreams do come true, don't they? At that thought, Magnus pops up in his head and he shoots him a text. 

● Ready to start in an hour. No rest until 11 pm. Can't wait for my Christmas midnight mac'n'cheese. Someone needs to hold up traditions after all. Miss you. <3 ●

The answer comes back immediately.

○ You've got this. At least you can eat and drink. ;-) Miss you, too. :-* ○

● What is that supposed to mean? Sorry, if there is a joke inside that I'm missing. Didn't get enough sleep. ●

○ Poor darling. I meant Yom Kippur. Service overload for 26 hours and dry fasting at the same time is rough. Didn't mean to belittle what you're going through, though. The High Holidays are hefty for all clergy people no matter the religion. Really don't want me to drop by? ○

● No. Enjoy your time with the three musketeers. Will see you on the other side. :-* ●

○ Text me if you change your mind. I'm only one call away. <3 ○

* * *

The services are well-attended, everything goes smoothly and with the last 'Silent night' of the day, something akin to Christmas spirit settles in Alec's chest. Christmas is just so much work. Sometimes it's hard to feel it, even when he preaches about the message that is the basis of his faith: The miracle of God coming into the world as a poor baby out of wedlock. The king of the universe making himself so small to save all of his children.

Alec always loved the nativity story. It's not even important if any of the details are true - the virgin birth, angels singing in the sky, the Three Wise Men. The mere thought that God understands what it means to be human, to try and fail, to believe and doubt, to eat and drink, to suffer and die - it gives Alec strength. God knows what life is like. God lived it to the fullest.

Alec climbs up the stairs to his apartment. He fumbles with the keys when he sees a plastic bag in front of his door. He opens it and finds a takeout box and a Christmas card. He recognises Magnus' elaborate handwriting.

 _Merry Christmas, Alexander. We thought we let you join in the Jewish tradition of Chinese takeout on Christmas day. The J-crew._

Alec laughs at the little drawings on the card. A superhero baby Jesus. That was Simon's doing for sure. Cat drew him an angel, Raphael a Christmas tree.

He walks into his living room, switches on the lights of his little Christmas tree, and settles on the sofa with his food. He puts on the Lion King Christmas CD he got from Izzy a few years ago and enjoys the bami goreng. This is so much better than his original late-night dinner plans.

He dials Magnus' number. The food was still warm. He surely isn't asleep yet.

"You have a secret admirer," he says.

"I have what?" Magnus giggles, clearly a little intoxicated.

"That's what my fortune cookie says," Alec explains with a grin.

"I'm sure you have many secret admirers, Alexander. You are the most gorgeous man who ever was created."

Alec chuckles. "Magnus, you're drunk."

"In vino veritas ... No, he doesn't want to talk to you, Simon. Speak to your own boyfriend ... financé, fiancé, whatever. Alexander is mine." Alec laughs. "Why are you laughing? Aren't you mine?"

Alec can basically hear the pout on his boyfriend's lips. "Only yours, Magnus." The other man sighs happily. "Thank you for feeding me, Magnus. Say thanks to the J-crew, too."

"Do you want to know a fun fact about bami goreng?" Magnus asks apropos of nothing. 

"Ehm, sure." Drunk Magnus is adorable.

"Although many Chinese restaurants serve it, it's actually Indonesian. Like me." Alec is pretty sure that Magnus just threw his hand dramatically in the air. 

"Then I will need to give thanks to the Indonesian people for two of my favourite things in life."

"You should. Thoroughly. Maybe start with me?"

"What do you have in mind?" Alec's grinning so much, it nearly hurts.

"So, ... so many things ..." There is silence on the other side and then a 'thumb' and after a moment a rustling.

"He fell asleep, Alec, I think the last red was too much," Catarina giggles.

"You'll take care of him, won't you?"

"Sure, sure. Will sleep with him on the couch. Don't get jealous. He's not into me," she slurs.

Alec suppresses a laugh. "Alright. Sleep well, Cat."

Alec chuckles. Having Magnus in his life is more than he has ever dared to wish for. And it's real.

* * *

A soft knock on his office door. Alec takes a deep breath. Sometimes somebody needs him in the afternoon after the last service. Holidays are difficult, especially when you're lonely. That's why he is here and not at Magnus' loft. But he wants to be there. Yes, but he must be here. His congregation needs him.

"Come in!" he calls. The door opens and his eyes widen. "What are you doing here?" he asks with a face-splitting smile.

"I thought, I keep you company," Magnus explains. "Take care that you eat something proper. Mum made bagels for brunch and I think it's time that you enjoy the perfect embodiment of Jewish-American culture."

Alec grins. "I had bagels before."

"Yes, but not my mum's. But if you don't want, I keep them."

Alec rolls his eyes. "I'm starving. Give them to me."

"So demanding. Without even giving me a kiss," Magnus chuckles. 

Alec gets up and pulls him in for a hug, breathing in Magnus' scent of sandalwood and _him_. He presses a long, soft kiss on Magnus' lips. "I missed you," he whispers. 

"I missed you, too, darling." Magnus leans his forehead to Alec's and takes a deep breath. "So much."

They sit down at the small coffee table and enjoy the food. Debby outdid herself. They are the best bagels Alec ever had. When they are finished, Magnus pulls out a present. It's just slightly bigger than a letter and soft, bending on the edges where it is not supported by Magnus' hand.

"You shouldn't have spent money on a gift for me. You're not celebrating Christmas."

Magnus softly huffs. "But you are celebrating it. And if it makes you feel better, I didn't pay anything for this. It's just a gift from the heart, okay?"

Alec raises a curious eyebrow. He can live with that. Butterflies attack his chest and stomach. How does Magnus manage that with a simple gesture?

He opens the gift wrap. White is the first thing he sees. The cloth he finds is old and split in the middle. He can see that it hasn't been in use for a long time, but it is freshly starched. The embroidery on it is simple, yet beautiful. Alec lets his finger run over the fine lines. He looks up at Magnus with a confused and questioning look.

"My mother comes from a long line of rabbis. One of her ancestors wore this. He was an army chaplain in World War I. It's a family heirloom."

Alec's mouth falls agape. "I can't accept this. Magnus. We're ... It's way too early ..."

Magnus stops him, pressing his pointer on Alec's lips. "I want you to have it. _We_ want you to have it. The shoa broke our family tradition. It's time to renew it. I did my part, but we don't wear these kinds of things anymore. But you do. And if you want it or not - you are part of my family now."

"What if ..."

Magnus sighs. "I really don't want to think about _that_ ever happening. But I think I know you well enough by now that you will cherish this no matter what happens between us."

Alec nods in agreement. "So, ... I'm family?" he asks, his voice slightly shaky from emotions.

"Yes, you are." Magnus smiles softly. Alec is so much more than what he hoped for in the few moments he allowed himself to dream of a new relationship, before pushing the fantasy to the back of his mind where it belonged. 

"Why?" As simple as the question is, as simple is the answer.

"Because I love you." There is a long pause and Alec looks at him in disbelief. When he starts talking again, Magnus' voice is tender and he looks nearly shy.

"I know that people often wait with the L-word, but I never understood why. When you feel it, say it. If you don't, then don't. I know that I love you, Alexander. Not the way my mum loves my dad after decades of being together. But it's love nonetheless. You don't need to say it back, but I need to say it out loud because it is the truth." 

Alec bites his lower lip, bites away the giggle that is climbing up his chest. Magnus might misinterpret it and there is no way that Alec will destroy this precious moment. He leans in and kisses Magnus. The pressure is soft, barely there. "I love you, too," he says into his lips. He speaks it out loud because it is his truth, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoa - the Holocaust


	17. New Year's Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

"You have a balcony _and_ a roof terrace?" Alec asks in bewilderment.

"Did you never see the spiral staircase?" Magnus asks amused.

"Of course I have. I thought it was a design element or something. How much rent do you pay for this place?"

Magnus frowns. "Nothing. I inherited it from my uncle, zichrono l'vracha. He wanted me to have a good place to live while serving the community."

"Oh." Alec still looks shocked and shakes his head. He thinks back to his own uncle who wouldn't even bring them birthday presents. Kids shouldn't be spoiled. God's army needs little soldiers, not coddled children. He shakes his head to clean it from the memories.

"So, ... about the party. I can help you set up everything, but unfortunately, I can't make it for midnight. Mrs Miller who wanted to clean and close up the church called in sick."

"Nooooo. Alexander, there must be somebody else to do this. It's our first New Year's celebration together!" Magnus wails. Alec shakes his head and looks terribly remorseful. Magnus lets the entangled fairy lights fall onto the couch and walks over to Alec at the dining table. "Then schedule the service earlier," he pleads.

"I can't. Not on such short notice. I am really sorry, Magnus. But we'll have many more New Years together. It's only a day on the calendar anyway. You have fun with your guests and I drop by in the morning, making hangover breakfast for you and your friends. How does that sound?"

Magnus swallows and wills the tears away that are burning behind his eyes. He is sad, and angry, and disappointed. Why is it always Alec who sacrifices himself for others? Can't he have a break for once? Would it be different if his congregation knew that someone was waiting for him? He knows that this thought is unhelpful. It is Alec who needs to want things to change. He's aware of that.

"Well, better than not seeing you at all, I guess," he finally answers. "But it isn't fair that you put in all the hard work and do not celebrate with us."

"Magnus, it's okay. Really. I'm not a partyer anyway. All I need is to know that you're having a great time. So, peanuts for the snack table, yes or no?"

* * *

Alec washes up the Communion cups and plates. More people than expected came to the service and it took three more rounds than usual until everyone received bread and wine. Even as it took way longer than expected, Alec wouldn't have it any other way. People could party through the night, but they came here to pray together, breaking bread and sharing grape juice and wine. It's community that they crave. Alec is proud that he can offer this to others and what he receives in return warms his heart.

But then he thinks of Magnus and his queasy conscience hits him hard. His boyfriend shouldn't be apart from him right now. It doesn't matter that Alec doesn't care about parties, Magnus does and that should be reason enough to make it possible. But he didn't react quickly enough when someone mentioned that he was here anyway. He should have said something. He really should have.

Coming out of the sacristy to extinguish what feels like a hundred candles, he sees a dark figure on the back of the church leaning at the door. It's unusual this close to midnight, but maybe the man has nowhere else to go.

"I'm with you in a minute, sir," he calls and hurries to finish up the task on hand.

The man walks to the altar. "No problem, I have time, _sir_." 

Alec swirls around, his hands fall by his side and he feels like all air is knocked out of his lungs. "Not again."

"What?"

"That's the second time in a week that you're coming over. And this time you left your own party."

Magnus silences him with a kiss. "There is no other place I'd rather be. My guests are all adults. They won't burn down my loft. And they all understand that I need to be here, with you, and nowhere else."

"That's ... you can't just stop your life for me whenever I can't stop mine for you," Alec argues.

Magnus breathes in audibly. "Alexander, I hope that we will manage to adjust our calendars to have more time with each other. But none of us knew that we would be together. We planned the month as singles. That's why I didn't have a lot of time for you during Hanukkah and you during the last week. These things will happen. We are both busy men and you aren't used to delegating things. I hope that'll change, though."

Alec nods. "Sounds like a good New Year's resolution," he says and smiles shyly.

Magnus smiles back and tugs on his hand. "Let's get to your flat and drink to that, my love."

Alec locks the church. It's only a short walk to his home. Alec steals little side looks. Magnus is beautiful as usual. But today everything is more - glitter on his eyelids and cheeks, an ear cuff on his outer ear, and - much to Alec's delight - blue streaks in his hair. His shirt is only buttoned halfway up and several necklaces lay on his visible chest. Magnus takes his breath away.

As soon as the apartment door shuts behind them, Magnus is pushed against it. He lets out a noise of surprise but then surrenders to Alec's lips and hands. He feels his boyfriend's body pressed flush against his own. Alec has never been so forward until now and Magnus loves it. His skin is on fire and a giddy feeling spreads in his head.

He wants to feel Alec, make him find the joy he denied himself until now. No matter how far Alec is willing to go tonight - he's in for it. His hand frees Alec's shirt from the waistband of his pants and travels under it. 

The touch burns deliciously on Alec's skin. He feels Magnus' hungry lips on his own, a hand brushing through his hair, and his tongue asking for entrance. He wants to feel, feel, feel. No more thinking, no more overthinking. He loves and trusts Magnus. What is he waiting for?

Magnus swirls them around. Alec lets out a moan. He didn't know that he liked to be manhandled a little. He feels Magnus all over him. Alec is clay under his ministration. He wants to dive in deeper, let Magnus take all the broken pieces and put him together, make him the man he's meant to be.

Magnus moves a little and suddenly Alec can feel his length pressing into his thigh and Alec freezes for a moment. He can't control it. It's a kneejerk reaction. Shame crawls through his body, crimson shoots in his face. 

Magnus pulls back a little. "Alexander, are you alright?" he asks, still a little out of breath. Alec stays silent. "Did I do something wrong?" Alec shakes his head no. "Look at me, darling, please." Alec does. A tear rolls down his cheek and Magnus brushes it away tenderly. "Oh, love, it's okay. Everything's gonna be all right." He pulls Alec into a hug and strokes his hand soothingly up and down Alec's back.

"I'm sorry," Alec says after a long moment of silence. Magnus peppers his cheeks with tender kisses until the stiffness leaves his body. Alec pulls him into a desperate kiss. It's messy and Magnus is still holding back a little. "Bedroom?" Alec asks and he sounds as if he is only half convinced that he wants it.

"Are you sure? There's no need to rush this," Magnus says. But Alec answers by pressing his own arousal into Magnus' leg and plunges in for another deep kiss. The moment of tentativeness is over. He knows what he wants and he wants it now.

Magnus can feel it in his kiss and the way Alec's hands wander over his body. There are fingers on the clerical collar, buttons and flies, hastily pulled off shirts, and shoes forgotten in the hallway. Alec's back hits the mattress when fireworks are illuminating the night sky. Happy New Year indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zichrono l'vracha - May his memory be blessed


	18. Apocalypse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW in the tags.

Alec wakes up with a weight on his chest. But it isn't the weight of a nightmare or a panic attack. No. He is very familiar with those. But this is different. This is warm, and cosy, and soft, and the weight smells like sandalwood and Magnus.

Alec slowly opens his eyes. He smiles. Memories rush over him. New ones, beautiful ones. _You feel so good. You're beautiful. You're perfect._ He's not believing them fully. Not yet. But he can accept that this is how his boyfriend sees him. His boyfriend who is wrapped around him like an octopus.

Alec chuckles softly. Usually, he is the clingy one in the morning, but he won't complain. It feels good. He enjoys every inch of naked skin. Magnus grabs him closer, slowly shifting from sleep to wakefulness. "Good morning, darling," he murmurs. 

"Good morning, babe. Did you sleep well?" Alec asks.

Magnus smiles, his eyes still closed. "Mmh, best cushion of all time." He brushes a hand over Alec's side. "What time is it?

Alec blinks at his alarm clock. "Half-past seven. When do you think your friends will rise from the dead?"

Magnus snickers. "Not before 11." He snuggles even closer. "Still some time to stay in bed."

Alec hums approvingly, nuzzling his nose into Magnus' hair. "You're feeling so good," he whispers. 

"Nothing compared to you," Magnus replies, pressing a kiss on Alec's chest. His hand wanders over his boyfriend's body. It's different to the night before when the nocturnal shadows swallowed so many details that touch and hearing were the main senses involved. Now he can appreciate Alec's good looks, too.

He pushes himself up and straddles Alec's thighs. He soaks in the man underneath him. He sees miles of uncovered light skin, defined arms, beautiful pecs and abs, and ... "You have a tattoo!?" Magnus runs his fingers over the black ink on Alec's waist, feeling irregularities on the skin.

"Yeah, it's a rune," he answers hoarsely. 

"What is its meaning?"

Alec clears his throat. "This one stands for perseverance and the one on the back is a healing rune."

"You've got two?" Alex moves under him and Magnus sees the tattoo on the other side. Both are beautiful, but the location is somewhat odd. "Why do you have them?" he asks curiously. 

Alec swallows. "When I started my studies, I wasn't in a good place mentally. I had scars from my childhood - on my soul and on my body. I went to therapy, but every time I looked in the mirror, it all crashed down on me. Then I heard about a woman who covered scars with tattoos. I knew that I couldn't erase my past, but I wanted to ... I don't know ... maybe take control again or for the first time, really. I found these runes. I knew that I was broken on so many levels that I needed healing. And it was clear that this wasn't to be a short time recovery. But I wanted to come out on the other side not only alive, but living."

Magnus nods in understanding. "May I ask where the scars came from?" Magnus asks softly, still caressing the tattooed skin. 

"They are from a penetrating gunshot wound from an accident at the rifle club. The only reason why I was allowed to do archery."

Magnus looks at him in shock. "Alexander, all those snippets I heard about your childhood, they sound ...," he trails off.

"Unusual, bizarre, terrible?" Alec offers. Magnus hums. "Yeah, they are. But explaining the context won't make it any better, trust me," Alec says.

"You don't have to tell me about it, but I'm here to listen, if you want to," Magnus offers.

"I will. But not now. Not while you're looking good enough to eat." 

Magnus laughs and lowers himself to lie on top of Alec. "Okay. What else do you have in mind?" Alec smiles, turns them around, and kisses his boyfriend senseless.

* * *

"These are the best pancakes I have ever eaten," Catarina speaks with her mouth full. "This one's a keeper, Magnus."

The rabbi presses a kiss on his boyfriend's temple. "I know, my dear. And he has other qualities, too." Alec feels heat crawling up from his neck to his cheeks. 

Raphael groans and Simon snickers in response. "You two are adorable," Clary says and pops a chocolate-covered cherry into her mouth. "Alec, I must say, this is a feast. If Magnus doesn't treat you right, feel free to court me."

"Sorry, biscuit, Alec is gay. And I plan to keep him happy," Magnus smirks.

"Gay _and_ taken - a double blow to my straight heart," Clary jokes, pressing her hand dramatically to her chest.

"Look into my eyes," Simon says in his best Dracula voice. "You will find the man of your dreams this very year."

Clary snickers. "About time."

* * *

When the guests are gone, Alec and Magnus cuddle on the sofa in front of the television. Alec is awfully quiet and Magnus can hear the cogs in his head turning. But he gives him time for whatever he has to work through internally. He brushes soothing circles on Alec's back, only half-watching the movie in front of him.

"What do you know about the Rapture?" Alec finally asks and Magnus switches off the television.

"It has something to do with the apocalypse, right?" Magnus replies.

"Yes. Some think it comes before the second coming of Christ, some say it'll happen at the same time. Either way, it's a belief that some Christians hold, but not the majority. I actually didn't know that until I started my studies. I thought it was one of the Christian basics. Boy, was I wrong. I'll never forget the shock of my fellow students when I talked about it.

"I grew up believing that one day, God would snatch away all true believers, alive and dead, and that they'd be brought to heaven. The Great Tribulation would follow, seven years of worldwide hardships with disasters, famine, war, and suffering. After that, the judgement of the wicked people of the Earth would happen. That's basically everyone who doesn't follow the close-minded belief system of those who believe in the Rapture in the first place.

"Anyway. Afterwards, there'd be a thousand years long Messianic kingdom, something like Paradise on Earth and then the final judgment and the future eternal state of the 'World to Come'.

"It's all pretty messy. While my parents believe that we - well they, I'm not included anymore - that they are part of the true believers, they also wanted to prepare us for the case that we wouldn't be part of the lucky ones who are saved right in the beginning. They hoped that if we fight on God's side that we will earn forgiveness. That's why each of us learnt to use a weapon, to fight evil.

"The whole thing scared the shit out of me when I was a child. I remember one day after school. I came home and nobody was there. That practically never happened. I panicked, ran through the house, screamed for my mother and my siblings. I thought they were taken away and I was the only one left behind."

Tears well up at the memory and Magnus pulls him closer. "I am so sorry, Alexander. That sounds terrible."

"It was and it happened more than once. Not always in this extremity, but still. And when I found out that I liked boys over girls, it got worse. I had panic attacks for years, even after I left. I grew up with sermons who called people like me sinners, one of the wicked. I just _knew_ that I would stay behind. That was the time my grades plummeted and I wasn't allowed to qualify for the Olympics. I still trained like crazy, hoping to survive and prove to God that I am a good Christian worth of saving."

"That sounds as if this belief was deeply rooted in you. How did you manage to overcome it?" Magnus can't hide the awe in his voice.

Alec laughs darkly. "I met someone. A boy named Nathan. We were in the same Bible study group. He liked me and I liked him. I was way too afraid to act on my feelings, but he wanted to be with me. He was so funny and smart, an artistic soul full of love. We sometimes sneaked out and met in the woods. Once he tried to kiss me, but I chickened out. We still held hands though." Alec loses himself in the memory for a long moment. 

"His parents found out that he was gay and sent him to conversion therapy." Magnus' whole body tenses. "I see, you know what that is," Alec says with pain edged into his voice. Magnus nods silently. "He never came back. Later I found out that he killed himself. He isn't a solitary case. It happens quite a lot after what the so-called therapists put the poor souls through. One more reason I didn't allow myself to act on my feelings. It took me years, even after leaving my parents, to even think of men in a sexual way. I was deeply in the closet of my own mind.

"Then I stumbled over Gushee's 'Changing our mind' in the university's library. He is a Professor of Christian Ethics and argues that homosexuality isn't sinful as long as you are in a committed relationship, married of course. He makes a very good case, one that evangelicals will agree to if they are open-minded enough to actually read the book. It helped me through the last steps of reconciling my faith and my sexuality.

"After reading the book, I send copies to Izzy and Jace. I was so afraid. They were the only people in my family who still talked to me. I don't know ... I think I needed their blessing, wanted their support. They both called me after reading the book and I came out to them. 

"They fully accepted me. Izzy said, she knew for a long time. Jace even came to visit, assuring that I was fine. He was so scared that I might ..." Alec shakes his head as if to shake off a shadow of thoughts. 

"But I was fine, much better than before. He gave me loads of dating tips. Terrible ones, but nonetheless." Alec chuckles and Magnus gives him a warm smile. He'll buy the man a beer someday.

"I'm so happy that they have your back," Magnus says and presses a kiss into Alec's hair. "Thank you for telling me.

* * *

They call it an early night. Alec snuggles into Magnus' side. "Darling, do you know when Nathan died?" Magnus asks quietly into the darkness.

"February 25th. Why?"

"I'd like to light a yahrzeit candle for him. It is lit in memory of the dead. Nathan won't be forgotten. As long as we remember him, he will live on."


	19. Reunion

Soon enough both are back to work. Alec knows that Magnus is right. He needs to change things, make room and time for them. And to his surprise, it is easier than expected. As Lydia usually does all weddings it's not a problem to take Saturday as his regular day off. And spending it at Magnus' makes it easy to establish it. It doesn't matter if anybody knocks at his door, he won't be there and as such not tempted to work.

The first week it feels odd, especially being at Magnus' place alone while he is at the synagogue. Alec enjoys spending time with his boyfriend between the services and Magnus' Shabbat tradition of taking an early afternoon nap. They discuss the commandments regarding keeping Shabbat. He shows interest in the one about having sex, even though Magnus points out this is only one for married couples. They fulfil the mitzvah nonetheless.

The new arrangement sparks gossip though. Lydia tells him about the wildest rumours that Alec not being around all the time elicit. There is everything from a mysterious mother of two to a hot professor in a tweed jacket. Alec imagines Magnus in such a piece of clothing and laughs. His boyfriend surely is a scholar type, but he definitely doesn't look like that.

Alec is glad that nobody approaches him directly about his love-life. Well, until the nosy church lady Mrs Wayne asks him. They are cleaning up the community kitchen when she says, "You are a lot out lately, Pastor Lightwood."

Alec swallows. "Did you have problems to get in contact with me? I have my cell with me six days a week."

"No, we just realised that you're not as often at home as you used to be," she replies nonchalantly. Alec just hums in acknowledgement. "Will we meet your future spouse or are you hiding them from us?"

Okay, that was direct, but also not gender-specific. And if he wants to get out the news that he is taken, this woman is the best catalyst. Magnus and he talked about this step and decided that they wouldn't deny being in a relationship if confronted by one of their congregants. 

"Mrs Wayne, I think it is way too early to think about marriage. It's all still pretty new. Yes, there is someone special in my life, but my boyfriend and I need to keep a little for ourselves. I hope that you can understand."

Mrs Wayne claps her hands and is all smiles. "Oh, Pastor Lightwood, that's wonderful! I am very happy that you found someone. I can totally understand that you're not willing to share him with us, yet. I'm pretty sure that he is a handsome man." She gives him a wink.

Alec breathes a sigh of relief and grins wide. That went better than he thought.

* * *

"Do you have any plans for the night of the 18th?" Alec asks over breakfast.

Magnus swallows a fork full of waffles. "I don't think so. Why?"

Alec smiles. "My brother is coming to town. He says it's for his birthday, but I think he wants to meet you. And he'll bring a mysterious guest. So maybe, he has a girlfriend. He was a bit cryptic about that."

"Oh, that's great. What kind of celebration would he prefer? Wine and dine or rather dancing the night away?"

"I guess, a burger for the start and then clubbing. I thought you might know a good place to go to."

Magnus cocks an eyebrow. "I haven't been clubbing for years. But there is Pandemonium that everyone is raving about. As for burgers - a restaurant or a burger joint?"

"Definitely a restaurant."

"If you want me to join I think we need to go to Manhattan. But you can go without me. You have more options then. No big deal."

Alec furrows his brow. "Do you really think that I would go without you?" Magnus swallows and doesn't meet his eyes. "Wait, you really do!?" Alec is appalled.

Magnus just shrugs. "It's a restriction that you didn't choose for yourself. There won't be any cheeseburgers. Why would you miss out on things just because of me?"

Alec's mouth falls agape. Does Magnus really think that he isn't worth the effort of finding a kosher place and cutting out the cheese? Alec replies, "Because you are my boyfriend and I want to be with you. Is that so hard to believe?"

Magnus nervously wets his lips. "Camille always met her friends in non-kosher places. And my former non-Jewish partners weren't too keen on kosher food either. I don't want to put this on you."

Alec works his jaw. "Well, that was rather shitty of them. You won't have this with me. Not in New York where we have kosher options galore. And if I want bacon burger I'm going to the East Village and buy me one. I don't miss out just because I accommodate my boyfriend when we do eat together."

"But what about Jace?"

"He will survive," Alec grins and gives him a peck on his lips.

* * *

Alec waits at the airport. He is antsy. He doesn't really know why. Jace and he always had a bond that made picking up where they left the last time they saw each other so easily. But what if he really brings a girlfriend? What if she changed his brother or if she doesn't like Alec? What if Jace doesn't like Magnus or vice versa?

 _Don't overthink it_ , Izzy echoes in his ears when he finally spots Jace coming through the sliding door. His smile is wide as always. He looks good. Alec sighs in relief. No matter how long they lived apart now, Alec can't stop worrying about his brother's wellbeing.

There is no girl at his side and Alec is confused for a second until he sees a lanky young man shuffle behind him. As soon as the boy sees him, he pushes Jace aside and runs, crushing into Alec. "Max!" Alec cries and pulls him into a deep embrace. "Oh my God, Max." They hold each other for a very long time. Tears stream down on both of their faces. They don't care.

Alec opens his eyes and sees Jace smiling brightly at them. "Thank you," Alec mouths. He pulls back and takes Max's face in his hands. "Look at you. You're a full-grown man now."

Max chuckles. "I missed you," the youngest brother says and the deep voice throws Alec a little. The last time he saw him, he was still a child. He prayed for him every single day since.

"I missed you, too. But how?" Alec looks at Max and Jace in befuddlement. 

"Officially we are on a snow hiking trip. Well, we will be next week. It's just a little shorter," Jace explained.

Alec pulls Jace in a hug. "Let's get in a cab and to my place. You must be starving. Or do you need a nap?"

The younger brothers share a look. "No, we're fine. Wanna meet your better half," Max says. Alec shoots Jace a questioning look. Does Max know?

"Dear Maxwell here pestered me about your life until I told him that you found someone. I spoiled no details," Jace explains. Alec understands. He didn't give Jace more than Magnus' name and occupation, that means Jace didn't out him.

"Well, let's go then and you can tell me all the things Izzy and Jace _don't_ know about you," Alec says, gives Max a wink, and picks up his luggage. Jace follows them grinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Let me know what you think.


	20. Revelations

"So, you're gay," Max says. His face is unreadable and his voice doesn't give anything away. Alec squirms on his chair. For heaven's sake, he's nearly 30, has a wonderful boyfriend, but coming out to his baby brother is killing him. Max turns to Jace and says, "That's why you made me read that book on the flight." Jace nods and Alec can see that he is as strung up as himself.

"I'm the same person I've always been, Max. That doesn't change anything," Alec finally manages.

"Of course not. Sorry, it's just ... you're the first gay person I ever met," Max says subdued.

"Maybe the first openly gay person, Max. You know what people in our community think about homosexuals. Many suppress their true feelings. But that's not healthy," Jace says.

Max nods. "I'll be honest with you, Alec. It's strange to think about you with another man. But I know that you aren't a sinner. You live a righteous life. Izzy and Jace told me so much about God's work you're doing."

"You talked about me?" Alec asks surprised. 

"Of course. I'm so sorry that I was too anxious to call or write to you. I always worried that mum and dad might find out. But you are my big brother and I love you. You were the one who tucked me in at night and read bedtime stories. It was rough after you left. I never understood why you weren't allowed to come back. We could only talk about you when it was just the three of us."

Alec pulls him into his arms. "I'm so sorry that I left you there. I just knew that I wouldn't survive staying any longer."

"I know. And for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing," Max says and pats Alec on his back. "So, who is the man who's worthy of your love?"

"His name is Magnus. We met through work," Alec explains smiling.

"Got a photo?" Max asks.

"Sure," Alec grins and pulls out his phone. He chooses a picture Clary took of them on New Year's day. Max and Jace hover over the device.

"You two look awfully sweet together," Max judges with a grin and Jace adds, "Didn't think you prefer the girly type."

Alec rolls his eyes. "Magnus is not 'girly' in any way. He's comfortable with his masculinity and likes make-up and fashion," Alec grumbles and Jace throws his hands up.

"Sorry, bro, didn't mean it that way. He's just different from what I expected. That's all. You're a cute couple."

* * *

When the three enter the restaurant Magnus is already sitting at their table. He catches sight of Alec and his face lights up. "Hi, there," he says and gives his boyfriend a quick hug. "You must be Jace," he continues and offers his hand.

"Hi, Magnus, nice to meet you," he answers. Magnus turns and looks curiously at the youngest man.

"This is my brother, Max," Alec introduces them with a face splitting smile. 

Magnus raises his eyebrow and a smile tugs on his lips. "Wow, what a lovely surprise. It's great to meet you," he says and Max shakes his hand, too.

They settle around the table and make easy small talk until the waiter brings them the menus. "Oh, man, no cheezy fries," Max complains.

"It's a kosher, restaurant, they don't mix meat and dairy here," Alec explains. 

"Why would you choose such a place? You love pork. You fried enough bacon for a football team whenever you made us breakfast." Alec giggles at the memory. "And who cares about that anyway? _What God has made clean, do not call common_ ," Max quotes the New Testament.

"Well, some Jewish people care about keeping kosher, Max," Alec corrects him.

"Whatever. We're not Jews. And we shouldn't mingle with them anyway."

Alec's mouth falls open and he turns pale. Magnus looks from him to Max and back, not saying a single word. Jace scolds his younger brother, "What kind of nonsense is that?"

Max is taken aback. "You know what I mean. We shouldn't engage with Jews, and Muslims, and all the other wicked people, unless it's needed to bring on the judgement time."

"Stop it," Alec growls low-voiced and Max's eyes widen in shock. "You will not talk like that in a room full of God-fearing people, especially not in front of my _Jewish_ boyfriend." 

Max stares at Magnus with his mouth agape. His cheeks grow crimson red. He looks at Jace. "Did you know that?" His brother nods. "And you're okay with it?"

"Yes. I don't care what religion someone practises. It's more important what kind of a person they are," Jace replies with a shrug of his shoulders.

Max slumps into his chair. "Am I the only one who is a true believer at this table?" he asks sobered. 

"It's not you to judge who is righteous in God's eyes," Alec chides. "We live our truths as best as we can. You can believe in a bigoted god as much as you like, but your view isn't the only valid one."

Max sinks further into his chair. "I knew that you changed. But I didn't know that you'd betray our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ. I thought you were a pastor! Shouldn't you preach to all those people? Make them see the truth? Save them?"

Alec shushes him. "They do not need saving. They may have a different connection to God than we have. But Jesus himself said, _until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished_. These people live by the law, just as Jesus did."

"Yes, but the Jewish people are only a tool to bring on armageddon. That doesn't mean that it is okay to keep them in the dark," Max argues.

Magnus clears his throat. "Max, we Jews aren't a gaming piece on God's checkerboard. We are his chosen people. But you don't see us running around, bragging about it, do you? I am more than willing to discuss respectfully the differences of our faiths. But in private, not in a restaurant full of people who hear anti-semitic nonsense every single day. If you're not able to keep it together, I suggest that you leave," he says with a voice sharp as a knife.

Max looks at Alec's stony face, then at Jace who is clenching his jaws. "I don't want to leave," he finally mumbles.

Magnus nods. "Good. I take the classic beef burger with beef bacon and a runny egg. What about you, darling?" he asks, his voice a failed attempt of lightness. Alec's words keep stuck in his throat. He fights the tears stinging in his eyes.

"I think I'll have a selection of starters. They sound great," Jace comes to the rescue. "It's my birthday after all." Magnus gives him a thankful half-smile.

The waiter takes their order and the conversation meanders over hazard-free topics like college and Izzy's wedding. Magnus is conspicuously silent and Alec doesn't know how to fix this. That's not how he imagined their evening to start. He feels sick to the bones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Let me know what you think.


	21. Mending fences

Alec grabs Magnus' hand under the table and brushes his thumb over the knuckles. Magnus gives him a faint smile but is still rigid. How did this go downhill so fast?

When they leave the restaurant, Magnus says, "I think I'm going home now. You guys have fun."

Alec shakes his head no. "I'm coming with you," he insists. He hands over his keys to Jace who nods and flags a cab. The younger brothers leave with a quiet goodbye and Alec pulls Magnus in a tight hug.

"I am so, so sorry, babe. He was such a sweet kid, smart, witty, and warm-hearted. I didn't know that he would act like that. I would have never let him near you if I knew."

"It's okay," Magnus says and straightens himself. Anybody else would think he is fully composed, but Alec knows him better. 

"No, it isn't. I will have a word with him later. I know, it's my parents' teachings that messed him up. I hope it isn't too late to change his mind. There's no excuse for a twenty-something to spread this kind of venom."

"If he doesn't budge - what then? You just got him back. He's your brother."

"I love him and seeing him after all this time was - I'm not gonna lie - it was wonderful. And I hope he comes around, but if he decides to be a jerk, I won't have him in my life. I know this sounds harsh, but I won't let anybody - family or not - hurt you."

Magnus looks at him with glassy eyes. "He wasn't the first one and he won't be the last. That's what being Jewish is like. More often than you think."

"That's bad enough, Magnus. But I won't let him near you again unless he properly apologises."

* * *

Magnus' doorbell rings. "Who dares disturb Magnus Baruch Bane?" he asks and there is a long pause, only filled by Alec's giggle behind him.

"It's Jace ..." "... and Max." Magnus sighs and pushes the buzzer.

"I talk to them first, okay, babe? I call you."

"I don't need a watchdog, Alexander. I can defend myself."

"I know, but I don't want you to."

There is a knock at the door and Magnus presses a kiss on Alec's lips before he walks into his study. Alec opens the door and lets his brothers inside. He crosses his arms over his chest and gives Max a stern look. The young man squirms under his brother's gaze.

"I came to apologise. Jace gave me a piece of his mind." He looks at his blond brother who pushes his chin forward, a prompt to keep him talking. "I am sorry, Alec. Please, forgive me."

"It's not me you insulted," Alec pushes out, his anger barely kept under the surface. "But I won't let you hurt my boyfriend again. So, let me hear what you have to say."

"As I said ... I'm sorry." Max avoids Alec's stern gaze.

"I heard that. For what exactly?" Alec asks through gritted teeth.

"For being arrogant and disrespectful. I was rude and I ... I shouldn't have said the things I said."

"Why?" Alec pushes.

"Because everybody deserves to be treated kindly and I have no right to ... throw my belief system in other people's face."

"Why did you say all these things?"

"Because that's what I learnt and I didn't question it ... until today." At that Max looks up and Alec sees tears in his brother's eyes. But he can't stagger now. 

"What will you do to repair what you have broken?" Alec asks a little bit softer but still rigorous.

"I will apologise to Magnus and I promise to educate myself on Judaism and read up about ... I don't know ... how other Christians deal with ... that. Maybe you'll help me understand your view?" The last question sounds like a plea.

Alec is satisfied with his answers. "Okay. You can talk to Magnus now. You'll tell him all these things: What you did wrong, why you did it. You will own your responsibility. And you will tell him what you're planning to do better in the future. Then and only then you'll _ask_ for his forgiveness. He doesn't owe you any. But be grateful if he grants it.

"This is what full repentance looks like. And do you know who taught me that?" Max shakes his head. "Magnus did. Because he is wise and the tradition of his faith is rich and deep."

* * *

Max and Magnus talk for a very long time. Meanwhile, Alec chases through the living room until Jace pulls him into a hug. "It's gonna be okay, buddy," he whispers in his ear. When did Jace become the shoulder to lean on and not the other way around?

When Magnus and Max finally join them, the atmosphere is a little less tense. Nobody is inclined to go clubbing as they originally planned, but they stay together for the evening, trying to mend fences and get to know each other better. 

Max listens more than he talks. He nearly lost Alec _again_ and feared to do the same with Jace. On their way back to Alec's apartment the blond was so angry and disappointed. Even his parents' incessant disapproval of any kind of independent thought didn't cut so deep. Max knows he can't lose his siblings, he mustn't. He knows that he shares more views with them than with Maryse and Robert. It's time to grow up and to emancipate himself. At least he has good role models.

* * *

The door closes behind Jace and Max and Alec embraces Magnus from behind, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck. "Are you okay, babe?"

Magnus turns around and gives him a genuine smile. "Yes. I'm all right, love."

They share a few soft kisses and lean their foreheads together. Alec grins. "So ... Magnus _Baruch_ Banes?"

Magnus groans. "That's my Hebrew name, the one that is used for formal religious occasions or when somebody prays for me. It's Baruch ben Sha'ul v'Devorah. That means Baruch, son of Sha'ul and Devorah, my parents' Hebrew names."

Alec kisses him again. He doesn't ask him if their children will bear his name, too, or just Magnus'. It's way too early to even contemplate kids. But for the first time in his life, he really wants to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I love to hear what you think.


	22. Jealousy

"Woah, biscuit, hold your horses. Let me first use the setting spray. I don't want my hard work destroyed after two minutes of dancing," Magnus softly scolds Clary. "When will Simon be here?"

She looks at her watch. "In about 10 minutes. So, tell me. How are Alec's brothers? Are they as handsome as your boyfriend?"

"Well, obviously Jace doesn't look like him at all as he's adopted. I guess he's good looking, but blonds were never my type. Max looks like a younger copy of Alexander, but he still has this baby feeling, as if he hasn't grown into his own body yet," Magnus muses.

"Thanks for taking us dancing. I haven't been for ages," Clary says.

"Well, I can need the support after what happened yesterday."

Clary looks at him sympathetically. "Was it really that bad?"

"Well, I heard worse before. But it caught me totally off guard. I think, despite what Alexander told me about his family, I never really grasped how much work he had put into being the open-minded man he is today. It all came crashing down, I guess. But I must say, Max and I had a really good conversation and he seemed willing enough to check his dogmas and prejudices. The question is if he can distance himself from his parents' views. Isabelle and Jace seem to have managed a balance without losing contact. I hope they can guide him."

"Do you think there is a chance that his parents will reconcile with Alec?"

Magnus shrugs. "Maybe at Isabelle's wedding. Who knows."

"Will you go with him?"

"I don't know if Isabelle dares to invite me. She seems supportive of us, but this," he gestures to himself, "might crash her celebration. I would understand if she doesn't want me anywhere near it. Besides, we've been only together for a few weeks and their wedding is in May." He shrugs.

Clary works her jaws. "I doubt that Alec will go if you don't."

"Biscuit, Alexander loves his siblings more than anything in the world."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Magnus," she replies, but he doesn't say anything. What would he have to say anyway? That he still doesn't fully believe that he deserves to be put first? That he still worries that everything will go up in flames? That he is only waiting for the other shoe to drop? 

Magnus hates that he is insecure. It's Camille's legacy. He worked so hard to be himself again and he worries that he might lose that in a relationship. But Alec is different. Magnus really wants to believe that. Still, he feels vulnerable.

Clary feels his mood darken. But it's not her right to ask him. So she looks into the mirror and says, "You've outdone yourself. Thank you. I look beautiful."

He smiles at her. "You always do, biscuit."

* * *

They meet up in front of Pandemonium. Despite the cold temperature, the queue is long. Simon and Max talk about the latest Batman movie and Clary tells Jace everything about the event they are planning - a convention of hobby comic artists. That leaves Magnus and Alec to themselves.

"I want to kiss you so badly," Alec murmurs. The smaller man grins mischievously. 

"You may, if you want to," he says.

Alec's eyes grow wide. They never kissed in public before and the thought is thrilling and daunting at the same time. The second he decides to go for it, the queue moves and the moment of courage is gone. Magnus smiles at him and lets the back of their hands brush against each other. Alec gives him an apologetical smile.

When they finally make it inside, the bass is throbbing through their bodies. Alec never liked this kind of places, but it's still part of Jace's birthday celebration and he thinks that Magnus can need this too after the events of the previous day.

Alec makes a beeline to the bar and settles down with a drink. Simon keeps him company while they watch the other four on the dancefloor. "Why did you come when you don't like dancing?" Alec asks over the loud music.

"For Clary. Promised it for her birthday last August, but I got terribly sick and we just never managed to catch up on it. Though I don't think that she would realise it if I left now," he giggles. Alec raises an eyebrow. "The way she's devouring your brother with her eyes and he her."

Alec turns back and sees the two slow dancing to an up-tempo song. He can't suppress a smile. "They do look cute together," he admits."

"Clary's my best friend and I know he's your brother. Which is a bit weird, but I need to ask. Is he a player? Her last boyfriend was an ass and I really don't want her to be heartbroken again, you know."

Alec gives him a smile. Jace has been a womaniser through his early twenties, but his wild years are over. He wants to settle down now, finding a wife, having children. "He's a good guy. Just as you are a good friend. And who says they will ever see each other again?"

"Clary's my best friend since kindergarten. I know her look when she _really_ likes someone," Simon says a little bashfully.

"Oh," Alec acknowledges his understanding.

"Yeah, but it's been a long time ago. We work much better as friends. And," Simon shakes his left hand, "I won the jackpot." He grins wide.

"I am very happy for you and Raphael. You two are a great couple."

Alec looks back at the dancefloor. Max is intertwined with a brunette and Magnus is dancing his heart out. Sweat is flowing freely down his chest. Alec smiles. This beautiful man belongs to him.

He sees a woman dancing into Magnus' personal space. They both dance skillfully and perfectly synced. It looks sexy and everything but innocent. Alec bites his lower lip. "Jealous?" Simon asks.

Alec shakes his head. "No. I mean, they are just dancing. The Germans have a saying for that. _You can build up an appetite anywhere, but you're eating at home._ "

"So, it's okay for you when he dances like that?" Simon asks.

"Yes. Dancing is hardly cheating or do you think differently?"

"If Raphael danced like that with another man, I would be pissed. But I guess that's because he is generally not big into dancing. So, it might be a different context. I just want you to be happy, Alec, and Magnus, too. He's a burnt child."

"I know. But I trust him. Without trust, we shouldn't be together."

"To trust," Simon says and they clink their glasses.

Alec looks back at Magnus who is now dancing with another man. Okay, that stings a little. But no, Alec won't give in to this feeling. It was his decision to not join them. He could be in his place right now and Magnus wouldn't dance with anybody else.

The other man leans to Magnus and says something into his ear. Magnus shakes his head. The stranger leans in again and this time Magnus reciprocates, talks back into his ear. Alec squirms on his chair. Okay, maybe he is a tiny little bit jealous. But that's allowed, isn't it? 

Whatever brews in his gut is washed away when Alec sees Magnus pointing at him and the stranger backs off with a knowing grin. Alec smiles and blows Magnus a kiss.

"Man, you're cheezy," Simon chuckles.

"What can I say? I'm in love."

* * *

When they arrive at Magnus' loft, Alec pushes him into the next brick wall and dives into a deep kiss. "God, you were so sexy on the dancefloor. Everyone wanted to dance with you, wanted to touch you."

Magnus freezes mid-kiss. "I'm sorry, I won't do it again," he apologises. What did he think? He knew that there had to be a line to Alec's generosity. Obviously, he crossed it. _Shit._

Alec pulls back. "Did you enjoy yourself?" he asks and Magnus nods, albeit a little confused. "Why wouldn't you do it again then?"

"I don't want you to think I want to be with them," Magnus says and Alec can feel anxiety emanating from his boyfriend.

Alec cups his cheeks and softly brushes his thumbs over them. "I'm not Camille. I keep my jealousy in check, okay? You are a great dancer and you draw other people to you. As long as it's ... I don't know ... I trust you to know what is appropriate and what not."

"You trust me?"

"With all my heart," Alec promises.

"But you _were_ jealous?"

Alec blushes. "A little. But that's my problem, not yours. You did nothing wrong. It was just dancing."

Magnus can't wrap his head around the fact that Alec isn't angry at him. He takes a look at his boyfriend who gives him the space to express himself, who trusts that he won't go astray. It's an alien feeling and he swallows the lump of emotions in his throat.

Magnus brushes a hand through Alec's hair and smiles at him. "Let's go to bed and I show you a few things nobody else gets from me, but you." He wiggles his eyebrow and dances lasciviously through the hallway. Alec grins and follows him to the bedroom. His boyfriend will be the death of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by a discussion on another of my fics. The question was, if it is cheating when you're dancing with somebody else in a sensual way. I'm curious what you think about it.


	23. Of pasta, pies, and pups

After Jace and Max leave New York, everything settles down into a new normality. Magnus and Alec make sure that they see each other daily - at least via video call - and sleep in the same bed more often than not. Alec spends Saturdays at Magnus' loft that already feels so much more like home than any place Alec has lived before.

One day Magnus comes home to delicious smells from the kitchen. Alec stands at the stove, wearing Magnus' kiss the cook apron. "Mmh, what are you conjuring, my love?" Magnus asks before pressing a kiss to Alec's cheek.

"Spaghetti carbonara with vegan bacon. I went to the kosher supermarket to not make any mistakes with the cheese."

"You did?" Magnus asks, being all smiles.

"Why are you so surprised? It's nothing," Alec says and shrugs.

Magnus eyes him from the side. "You don't give yourself enough credit, Alexander. You have no idea how many times I had to re-kasher the kitchen while being with ...," he trails off.

"You can talk about Camille. You know that, right?" Alec asks, checking the pasta.

Magnus nods. "Yes. It's just ... I don't want her to live rent-free in my head. I thought I was past that."

Alec looks at him softly. "You're in a new relationship. I guess it's normal that you work through some stuff now that you didn't need to while being single."

"Why are you always so terribly understanding?" Magnus asks and embraces Alec from behind.

"I may not have any experience with relationships and break-ups, but I know what it is like to re-learn to trust yourself and others."

"Dr Miller said the same as you." Alec frowns. Magnus never talks about his therapy. Is it a good or a bad sign that he does now? "She thinks that I have trust issues and that I project Camille's attitude onto you."

"Do you agree with her?" Alec asks while mixing the egg yolk with cream and parmesan.

"I think so. Not in general, but regarding us. I mean ... I often fall into the same patterns and read things into situations that have nothing to do with you."

"Is there a way I can help you with that?" Alec asks, laying his hands on top of his boyfriend's and nestling his back to his chest.

"Just be yourself," Magnus speaks into Alec's shoulder blade.

"That doesn't seem to work at the moment," Alec discerns.

"You're right. I don't know. I don't want to annoy you with my insecurities," Magnus confesses. 

Alec turns around and pulls him close. "You won't. Look, I want to attack all those fears with you. I want to stymie them until they don't have any power over you anymore."

Magnus hides his face on Alec's chest. "I'm always worried that I do something that could make you leave."

"Like what?"

"Being too flirty or too close to other people. Being too clingy or too much."

Alec sighs softly. "So, you basically are worried that just being yourself could chase me away." He lays a finger under Magnus' chin and softly pushes his head upwards. "I love you, just as you are. I don't want you any other way, unless _you_ need something to change. Because I fell in love with the man in front of me, not another version I could carve out of him."

He brushes softly over Magnus' cheeks. "I love you, body, soul, glitter, and sweatpants." Magnus chuckles. Alec kisses him. "You enchanted me and I don't think that the spell will ever be broken."

"Oh, Alexander, how is this your first relationship? You're way too good at this."

Alec's smile shrinks and his countenance turns serious. "It's all so easy with you. I mean, I know there are still a thousand things that may be in our way. But being with you just feels so right. You make me feel ... enough. I don't think I ever felt like that. I hope one day I can make you feel like that, too."

"I'm trying. I just need time," Magnus says quietly.

"I know you do and that's okay. I'm just looking forward to seeing it with my own eyes. The moment you know that you won't get rid of me that easily." He smiles softly. "So, now open the wine and I finish the pasta. Takes only a minute."

Magnus kisses him and walks to the dining table. Maybe he will learn to trust in Alec's unconditional love. He really wants to. And not only because it would defeat the demons of his past.

Alec brings the pasta plates to the table. They eat, sharing smiles over their wine glasses.

Magnus clears his throat. "Before I forget. Simon came by and invited us for Tu Bishvat. Do you think that the community kitchen can survive without you this one time?" Alec smiles. Magnus knows all his periodic activities and that makes warmth spread in his chest. 

"Sure. Is it a celebration?"

"Yes, the birthday of the trees," Magnus explains.

Alec chuckles. "Sorry, I don't mean to be disrespectful. But that sounds funny."

Magnus laughs with him. "I'm sure it does. It once was just the day that farmers had to bring their produce to the temple in Jerusalem as offerings. Only later it became a day of fructose overconsumption. It's a minor holiday, but I like to spend it with family and friends."

"Anything I can bring?"

"As long as it contains fruits." Magnus grins.

"Do you have a pie pan?" Magnus shakes his head no. "Then we have to get one. Or can I use mine? It never contained meat, but I probably washed it up with something meaty."

"What kind of material is it?" Magnus inquires.

"Pyrex."

"That's no problem. We can just soak it for 72 hours, changing the water in between."

"That's all? No fire or boiling?"

"Yes, that's the Conservative view on kashering glassware."

"Okay. Then I'll bring it tomorrow and I can make cherry pie from scratch." 

"You never cease to amaze me, Alexander."

Alec smiles at him. "Jace called today. Apparently, he and Clary are a thing now." Alec chuckles and Magnus grins around a forkful of spaghetti. "You seem to be a very good matchmaker. Maybe you chose the wrong profession."

"Oh, I think, I meddled enough," Magnus muses. "If there was ever a way to survive your parents' wrath, I guess now I have blown it."

Alec smiles impishly. "Why is that?"

"Well, if they marry and have kids, your parents will have Jewish grandchildren. You can baptise them as often as you want. That won't change their status."

Alec leans back in his chair and frowns. "Okay." His voice is flat.

The atmosphere is shifting and Magnus plays back what he just said. "Did I say something wrong?" he asks.

"Nope," Alec answers. 

"A monosyllabic reply. Okay. If you don't want me to spiral, you need to tell me what I did wrong, Alexander."

Alec sighs. He promised Magnus to help him. But he can't talk about this. Not yet, it's too early. "It's nothing, really. You've got nothing to be worried about."

Magnus raises an eyebrow and works his jaws. "You don't look like it's nothing. Is it because I said they'd still be jews even when baptised? I didn't mean to offend you."

"No, that's not it," Alec says.

"Then what is it, Alexander?" Magnus slowly gets out of patience.

"You don't want kids. That's alright," Alec finally says. He nearly chokes on the words. Somehow he thought that one day they would start a family together.

Magnus looks at him with his mouth agape. He is lost for words. Where does that come from? "I never said that," he finally settles on.

Alec looks up at him. "You kinda did. You didn't think of my parents' grandchildren as possibly Jewish before Clace?"

"Clace?" 

"That's what Simon calls them. Jace finds it hilarious. We are Malec, by the way."

Magnus barks out laughing. "Okay, then let me tell you something. Though I think that _Malec_ probably should first live openly as a couple before deciding a huge thing like this, it's not that I'm opposed to having kids. It's just that I don't assume that they will be automatically Jewish. That's all."

"What do you mean?" Alec asks.

"There are very different scenarios for two men to become fathers together. And if the kid isn't halachically Jewish right from the start, it needed to be a mutual decision to let them become members of the tribe. We just never talked about anything like that before. My children wouldn't necessarily be Jewish, but Clary's would."

Alec relaxes visibly. "So, you may want kids later ... with me?"

"I may," Magnus says and takes Alec's hand in his. "But if that's okay with you, I'd like to plan Valentine's day first."

Alec chuckles. "Sounds like a good plan."


	24. Valentine's day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

_Will you be my valentine?_ Alec laughs at the sight of the card that Magnus left before he went to shul early this morning. It's terribly sugary with a full-faced arrow shooting angel and all that jazz. He opens the card and reads.

_I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. I do love a beautiful archer though, so maybe legends are true after all. If you want to be my valentine, you will meet me at 4 pm, corner Baltic St / Nevins St. Wear comfortable clothing. M._

No matter how hard Alec presses, Magnus doesn't give him any hints about where they will be going. The whole comfortable clothes thing and the early hour is a brain wrecker. Is this about disguising that they are on a Valentine's date? Or did Magnus plan something unconventional? Either way, Alec finds himself waiting at the corner, scanning the surrounding for anything that might be a tiny bit romantic. He doesn't succeed. 

But then he spots Magnus and his sole focus lays on the man in tight designer jeans and a jacket that looks tailored. Alec worries his lower lip. How can a man like Magnus look at him - old plain Alec - as he does right now? As if he hung the moon and stars. He'll never understand, but he is grateful. Butterflies are storming through his stomach and he can't help it. The moment Magnus comes close to embrace him, he pulls him in for a kiss.

He knows that Magnus is ready for this step since they waited in front of Pandemonium four weeks ago. Still, the surprise lets Magnus freeze for a second. Alec is already pulling back, thinking he has been wrong to assume the green light was a general one, when Magnus weaves his hands behind his neck and chases his departing lips. Alec melts into the kiss. He doesn't care about the people walking around them, doesn't care if anybody notices who they are. He's done hiding. Magnus is the best thing that ever happened to him and he wants to show him off.

When their lips part Magnus smiles up at him. He's proud of his boyfriend, this brave, wonderful man. And Alec grins down at him, being as pleased as Punch. "So, where will you lead me, Rebbe?" he asks.

Magnus snickers. "Oh, Reverend, you will be pleased to hear that I found a place where a blessed archer can teach a verdant squire to hunt with bow and arrow," Magnus tells him like a Shakespearean actor. 

Alec chuckles. "You bring me to a shooting range for Valentine's day?"

"Yes, I reserved a lane. You once told me that you would love to resume your hobby now that there is enough distance as to why you chose it in the first place. I thought that I might kick start that venture. And my fantasies may have gotten away with me, so I thought it would be perfect for today." Magnus looks coy and Alec loves this side of him.

He leans to Magnus' ear. "You will have to tell me those fantasies of yours sometime. I guess they aren't appropriate in public," Alec murmurs lowly and the mischievous smile that lights up his boyfriend's face is answer enough. "Let's go and see if we are as successful as Cupid. Shall we?" Alec suggests and Magnus pulls him into a kiss before intertwining their hands. Magnus' hand is warm in Alec's, but nothing compared to the heat that travels through the younger man's chest, a hot mixture of love and pride.

When they arrive at their destination, Alec is buzzing in pleasant anticipation. As first-time visitors, they are obligated to take an introductory safety class. When they finally can get to shooting in their booked lane, Magnus can't help but admire the easiness of Alec's movements. Even when his boyfriend chuckles and calls himself a little bit rusty, Magnus only sees grace and concentrated power. He mourns for the boy who once thought that his gift was only meant for war, not for fun or even deserved fame.

But he pushes these dark thoughts away and tries to focus on a solution for finding a Robin Hood costume to drag Alec to the Purim party in the synagogue. Magnus ponders if he himself will go as maid Marian or Richard the Lionheart. Or maybe no partner costumes at all. They will have to talk about the change that just happened. Is Alec ready for the whole world to know? Or is it just in the perceived anonymity of a big city?

Alec realises that his boyfriend is zoomed out and startles him with a kiss. "Your turn," he says chuckling and hands him the bow. "I'll help you if you like." Magnus nods and lets Alec improve his posture. He hears his boyfriend's warm voice in his ear, his hands carefully moving him, his body smoothing around his own. It's a matter of sheer willpower to not let his brain short-circuit. Alec is in his element and it is showing. "Focus," he whispers into Magnus' ear.

"How am I meant to do that when Oliver Queen himself teaches me?" Magnus asks mock offended.

"Oliver who?" Alec asks frowning.

"Oliver Queen ... Green Arrow." Alec still looks puzzled. "You don't know the comics or the series? Oh, archer boy, you're in for a treat when we come home."

"I thought, I already was," Alec grins.

Magnus nudges him with his shoulder. "Tz tz tz, I didn't think that you were that naughty, Pastor Lightwood."

Alec grins and kisses him. "Oh, I learnt from the best, Rabbi Bane."

They walk all the way home, holding hands and Magnus thinks that he has never been as content as he is when he's with Alec. The feeling doesn't leave him when they climb up the stairs cursing the broken elevator, neither when they eat their takeout on the sofa, nor when he falls asleep in Alec's arms, binge-watching 'Arrow'. _Best Valentine's day ever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shul - Yiddish for synagogue
> 
> Rebbe - Yiddish for rabbi
> 
> Purim - a Jewish holiday which commemorates the saving of the Jewish people from Haman, an Achaemenid Persian Empire official. Traditionally kids dress up as the protagonists of the story, but in many places kids and adults dress up like at Halloween.


	25. The phone call

"Yeah, you too," Alec says and ends the call. Clutching his phone tightly he puts his hands on the balustrade of the balcony and leans his weight against it. He looks over Brooklyn and wishes he could let the outside world fade away, stay here in the loft forever and ignore the knots in his stomach that built up in the last few minutes.

The phone call was unusually short, but he feels shattered nonetheless. It's not that he didn't see it coming, but still. Now, it's all out in the open. He wants to be angry and he is. But he is defeated and oscillated as well. And the worst thing is that he understands. He does and that hurts somehow even more. He understands and he hates it.

He works his jaws. No, he won't cry. That will only worry Magnus. And that's the last thing he wants. His boyfriend will be hurt enough. He won't make it worse. _Men don't cry_ , he hears his father's voice in his head and he wants to scream to shut him up. He hates that his parents still manage to mess up his mind sometimes, even with 300 miles and a decade between them.

Alec feels a soothing hand on his back. Magnus doesn't say a word. Did he eavesdrop or is he just the most sentient and patient boyfriend in history? Most likely the latter. A sound - part huff, part sob - escapes Alec's throat and he feels so miserable, it hurts physically. 

He closes his eyes and tries to concentrate on Magnus' hand brushing up and down, tries to slow down his heartbeat and his fitful breathing. This is really not worth a panic attack. He won't let these back into his life. He hadn't one in years, he won't start now.

"T'was Izzy," he presses out, his voice hoarse and scratchy. Magnus nods acknowledging and keeps on brushing his hand tenderly over his back. "You can't be my plus one." The words taste like bile on his tongue. "I am so sorry, Magnus."

"Don't be. I expected that, didn't you?"

The softness of Magnus' voice that usually is balm on Alec's scarred soul doesn't help this time. Because, yes, he expected it. Alec's mere presence at the wedding is a disaster waiting to happen, bringing his boyfriend would be a guarantee for carnage, metaphorically speaking. He knew that and still a stupid little part of him had hoped that Izzy would move the world for him. It wouldn't even be as bad if he wasn't the only one who had to act as if everything were fine and forgo being with their partner.

"They invited Clary," Alec explains and he can't stop his tears from falling. It's pathetic, he thinks, but he can't help it.

"I see," Magnus says and it's nearly infuriating how calm he is. "So, what are you going to do?"

Alec shrugs in resignation. "Maybe I just stay away. That would be the best for everyone."

Magnus hums thoughtfully. "Is that so? Do you think that Isabelle will be happy without you? Do you think you can peacefully live with the fact you missed your sister's wedding?"

"The wedding? No. The reception? Hell, yeah!" Alec says and thinks about the other question. "I guess she wants me there. I know she wants me there. But it's not really _me_ , is it? It's a version of me that sinks into the background while everyone on our family's side either gossips viciously about me behind my back or actively tries to return me to the right path. A version of me who has to hide who he really is and who he loves, playing nice whenever someone says something disrespectful, belittling me, hurting me."

Alec presses his jaws together and Magnus pulls him into a side hug. "I'm so sorry, my love. It's not fair." He brushes a hand through Alec's hair.

"No, it really isn't. But that's my life," Alec says defeatedly.

"Is it?" Magnus asks and his voice has a slight edge to it. "Because I thought that you were rather happy with your life right now."

Alec turns his head so fast he sees little dots. "I didn't mean it that way. Sorry, Magnus, I just want ..." he trails off.

"... it to be easy," Magnus ends his sentence. "But that's not how life works. You can be insanely happy for the most part and still have dark moments. And that's fine. Just don't let them dictate how you view your life in total."

"M sorry," Alec says and Magnus pulls him into a tight embrace.

"It's okay. I understand. This is just terrible. But whatever you decide, I am here for you, okay? I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

Alec doesn't sleep enough for days. He throws himself into work. He doesn't want to think. It makes him nauseated. But he also knows that he has to make a decision. Otherwise, he can't go back to a happy life, not really.

"Would you come with me?" he asks one evening when they are cuddling in front of the television. 

"Everywhere, my love. But where do you mean specifically?" Magnus asks, pushing the stop button on his phone.

"To Izzy's wedding," Alec says.

"I'm not invited, Alexander," Magnus reminds him frowning.

"I don't mean to the wedding itself, but when I'm going there. I know it's on Shabbat and it's a lot to ask for. But I really don't want to travel alone. Clary asked if I wanted to car share, but I don't want to be with her either. It's not her fault, I'm not angry at her. It's just ... I decided to only attend the ceremony and leave afterwards. I can't stay for the rest. I hope, Izzy will understand."

He breathes out shakingly. Magnus looks at him in understanding. "Of course I will accompany you. I have friends in the area, maybe an hour drive away. I will check if they can accommodate both of us. Would that be okay for you or do you need me on the ground?"

"No, that sounds good. If it's not too much of an inconvenience for them and you, that is."

"We just have reconnected over the telephone after a few years of radio silence and talked about visiting each other. I'm sure they will be happy to see me again and get to know you." Magnus answers. As much as he dreads what meeting his family might do to his beloved, he is glad that he can be there for him in case everything goes south.

He pushes up and presses a kiss on Alec's lips. "Everything is going to be all right. You will see."

"From your lips to God's ears," Alec murmurs and leans their heads together. "What would I do without you?"

"Right back at you," Magnus whispers and nestles into the curve of Alec's neck. "Right back at you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Let me know what you think.


	26. When does life begin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

The weeks fly by. Alec has a lot of additional work through lent while Magnus is busy as usual. Although they don't hide their relationship anymore, no congregants have figured it out yet or those who have don't comment.

Alec goes to Magnus' loft every night, no matter how late, and he calls it 'home' in his head. Once the word slips through his lips and while he blushes in embarrassment Magnus just smiles at him. If Alec knew that Magnus felt butterflies in that second, he would say it out loud again and again. But he doesn't. 

He has a key for weeks now, and one day Magnus surprises him with space in his wardrobe. Alec knows that his boyfriend does not really need to part from any clothes and assumes that he may store them somewhere else. Alec doesn't voice his thoughts though. He's too happy that Magnus makes him a fixed part of his life in just another way.

Holy week falls on Passover and they micromanage eight days of craziness. The two spend one seder with Magnus' parents, one with Raphael and Simon. In between Alec celebrates the Palm Sunday service with a slight hangover. He's not used to drinking four cups of wine on a nearly empty stomach. Magnus apologises profoundly for not warning his boyfriend to eat something earlier.

After a total of three Easter services starting at 11 pm and ending twelve hours later - Alec does them all because Lydia is plagued with hyperemesis gravidarum - Alec comes home, pulling Magnus to the bedroom, undresses himself and envelopes his boyfriend. He falls asleep in minutes and Magnus cuddles him through his exhausted sleep.

Alec is woken up through the ringtone of his mobile phone. He grunts something unintelligible and fishes blindly for his pants, fumbling for his phone in the pocket. He picks up without looking at the caller ID.

"Happy Easter!" he says in a voice that doesn't speak of Easter happiness. Jesus may be risen from the dead, Alec surely isn't. Magnus raises an eyebrow, trying to guess who is on the other side, flooding a torrent of words into Alec's ear.

"No, Izzy, I don't try to avoid you. I'm just really busy. Had a total of three weekly lent series due to Lydia being pregnant and terribly sick, no day off in five weeks, then Holy week with services in double figures. I couldn't find the time to avoid you even if I tried."

Magnus' heartbeat speeds up the second he hears her name. The siblings haven't spoken since Alec told her his plans. She had cried and Alec felt miserable for days.

"No, that won't make a difference. Magnus still isn't invited to the rehearsal dinner." Izzy replies something. "Izzy, that's not the point. I know that you aren't a homophobe and that you'd invite him if the circumstances were different. But our family is how it is. That's not ..." Alec rolls his eyes while his sister keeps on talking. "They still could ambush me there. They won't at church. That's the difference," Alec argues. She talks again.

"Izzy, I love you. Yes, I'd stay if Magnus were with me, but I get why you think he can't. I accept that. We accept that. It's your wedding and I want it to be perfect. I won't get in the way of that happening. I do love you, that's the only reason I'm coming at all."

Alec's heart aches. Izzy cries again and he wants to say yes to all her wishes, but he knows it will ruin him. "Izzy, just listen, please. I know that you would look out for me. But you have a lot of guests to take care of, Jace will want to dance with Clary at some point and I doubt that Max will dare to come over to me. The second the chair next to me is empty, Uncle Garth or any of the other zealots will try to pin me down. I really can't go through this. Not again. You know what they did when I told them I'd leave."

Alec cries now too, tears running down his face. "I love you, Iz, I love you so much. I really wish I could." There is a long silence and Magnus thinks it's on both sides of the call. "Izzy?" Alec sniffs finally.

He nods several times without saying a word. "Okay. I can do that," Magnus hears him say. "Thank you for your understanding. I'll call you next week, Izzy. Love you. Bye."

Alec wipes a hand over his face to get rid of the tears and looks at Magnus whose eyes are full of worry.

"Izzy asked me to come an hour early so that we see each other," Alec explains. 

"Won't your parents be with her?" Magnus asks. 

"I guess." Alec avoids looking at his boyfriend.

"Are you sure that's such a good idea?" Magnus asks.

"No, but I can't deny her that. She's hurting enough that I won't come to the reception or the rehearsal. I owe her that much."

Magnus pouts his lips before pressing them to a thin line. "And what about the hurt you might have to endure when your parents attack you?" Magnus' voice thrums from barely disguised anger.

"I can deal with that," Alec hisses. "They won't make a scene anyway."

Magnus knits his brow together. "They will find a way to hurt you and I will have to pick up the pieces," he murmurs through gritted teeth. 

Alec rises from the bed, pulls on his pants and shirt and stomps out of the bedroom. Magnus follows him to the front door. "Alec," he says. "What are you doing?"

"Leaving," he blurts out.

"No, you won't. You can't just run away from me. When you disagree, explain why I am wrong," Magnus orders.

Alec opens his mouth as to say something, but closes it again and folds in on himself. The silence between them spreads and grows heavy. Magnus steps into Alec's personal space and lays his hands on his upper arms. "It's okay." A sob escapes Alec's throat and Magnus pulls him into a hug. "It's okay, darling. I'm here."

"Fuck," Alec groans.

"Fuck, indeed," Magnus replies and both start laughing. "You're too good for this world, Alexander. The Lightwood family's perfect little Jesus. Sacrificing yourself for the greater good."

Alec snickers. "Well, one has to walk into the lion's den and unfortunately Daniel isn't available."

"Let's hope that Hashem saves you just like him, darling," Magnus says, presses a soft kiss on Alec's cheek and brushes a hand through his hair. "Please, don't run away from me, even if it gets hard. I am here to help you, but sometimes I might say things that you don't want to hear, but need to."

* * *

Later they cuddle on the sofa, Magnus' back leant against his boyfriend's chest when Alec asks, "Am I really that bad?"

Magnus furrows his brow. "What do you mean?"

"With the self-sacrificing," Alec answers.

Magnus softly sighs. "You are who you are, Alexander. I just wished that you would be more selfish sometimes. I want to bundle you up in a blanket, far away from everyone who might hurt you. And you just get out of your way to please others, no matter your personal cost. You're worth your name, but I wished you defended yourself as well as you do others."

A comfortable silence floats between them. "Want to ask you something," Magnus says and Alec hums in return. "When I say something involving Jesus, is that okay or do I cross a line? Like earlier, I mean."

Alec thinks about it for a moment. "You would never belittle my faith so, I don't really worry that you might say something disrespectful. And believe me, I heard so many Jesus jokes and references at seminary that were indecent or darker than black. I have thick skin."

Magnus is intrigued. "Tell me one."

"No. I heard them, I won't repeat them," Alec says a little blushing.

"Okay then, tell me your favourite religious joke," Magnus orders.

Alec grins. "Oh, you might like it. It's an interfaith one." Magnus raises an amused eyebrow. "A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi go into a bar."

"Oh, we should totally do that," Magnus interrupts. "Monsignore Thomas is a great guy." Alec looks at him amused. "Sorry, continue."

Alec chuckles. "Okay. As I said, a priest, a pastor, and a rabbi go into a bar. They muse about when life truly begins. The priest thinks it's with conception. 'As soon as egg and sperm become one, life starts,' he says. The pastor disagrees, 'No, that's not it. Live begins when a baby is able to survive outside the womb.' Both look at the rabbi, hoping he will join their definition. The rabbi thinks a long time and then he says, "Life begins when the children moved out and the dog is dead."

Magnus bursts out laughing and Alec feels his stomach clench in the most beautiful way. "I love the sound of your laughter," Alec muses, pressing a kiss into Magnus' hair. "You're perfect in any way. Like made for me."

Magnus looks at him for a long moment. "I think, I am." Alec looks at him in awe, a soft smile adorning his face. "I never said that to anyone," Magnus nearly whispers, "but I think you are my beshert."

Alec whispers back, "What does that mean?"

Magnus smiles. "That means, I think you are my other half, like ... we are meant to be one. Sorry, if that's too much to say. I just never felt a connection like ours in any of my relationships."

"Beshert, that's Yiddish, right?" Magnus nods. "That makes sense. It sounds like 'Bescherung'. That's the word for the gift-giving on Christmas in Germany." He brushes a hand through Magnus' unstyled hair. "I think you're right. I feel like showered with presents every day since I met you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seder - the ritual feast that marks the beginning of the seven to eight days long Jewish holiday of Passover. It is done once in Israel and twice anywhere else
> 
> [Daniel in the lion's den](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_in_the_lions%27_den)
> 
> Yiddish - a German-derived language historically spoken by Ashkenazi Jews.


	27. The travel

"Oh, shoot," Alec exclaims.

"What's up, honeypot?" Magnus asks and earns himself an eye-roll.

"A clothes moth ruined my tie," Alec sighs.

"You just take one of mine then," Magnus says, brushing a soothing hand over Alec's back. His boyfriend is already freaking out and they haven't even left the loft yet. He picks out a tie and holds it to Alec's chest. "This one will bring out the colour of your eyes."

"As if anybody would care," Alec murmurs. Magnus sighs. He wishes Alec would wear his clothes like he himself sometimes does - as an armour. But that's not his boyfriend. The man is a pastor and owns exactly two suits. The second one just in case one needs to be at the cleaner.

The doorbell rings and Magnus lets in the woman dropping off their rental car. "I still can't believe that you have no driver's licence," Alec says when he signs the papers.

"I'm from Brooklyn. Nobody needs one, except cabbies and chauffeurs," Magnus says and they take the elevator downstairs to start their journey. Google says it's a three-hour drive, but more likely it's five. New York traffic is hell.

Alec doesn't say a word for a very long time and Magnus isn't sure if it's just due to concentration. So he decides to tell him a little bit about their hosts.

"Tessa is a professor for Old Testament at the local seminary, which is kind of ironic thinking that she once studied to be a rabbi. We met at an egalitarian yeshiva. We participated in the interfaith prayer. That's where she met and fell in love with Will. He's an Episcopalian priest. They dated on and off for about two years. It was heartbreaking to watch. Everyone was trying to pull them apart. I think I was the only one rooting for them," he says and his eyes glaze over.

"Is he still a priest?" Alec asks.

"Yes, he has his own congregation."

"Is that the reason why she isn't a rabbi?"

Magnus smiles sombrely. "Yes. It was a hard decision to make. She wanted to become a Conservative rabbi. This branch of Judaism only slowly opens up to intermarriage. She worked so hard for her studies and she's brilliant. She would have been an excellent rabbi. Still, she followed Will into the unknown. That surprised everyone. She is a fierce, independent woman, you know. Many looked down at her for that decision. But I knew that she would find a new career or be a great mother, or both. She's smart and witty. And she still holds sermons now and then, but I think she's content with how her life turned out, despite the hardship."

"What do you mean?"

"When they decided to get married, Will's congregation went nuts and his bishop or whatever didn't get behind him. In the end, he had to resign. And it took a very long time until he found a new church that had no problem with them, quite the opposite, actually. They were used to it as their former priest was married to a Muslim."

"Did you talk with them about us?" Magnus looks at him cautiously and nods. "And they didn't try to warn you off?" Alec asks with a chuckle.

"No, they told me to go for it. Well, after talking to Catarina first, to be honest. I can't blame them for questioning my choice of partners. But after that, they just said that the only thing they do regret is that they lost time trying to not be together."

"You said that you only reconnected. Did something happen between you?" Alec asks.

"Camille's what happened. She didn't like Tessa very much," Magnus snorts. "Tessa told her to her face that she's a bitch and doesn't deserve me. I wasn't there, but I still went into protective husband mode. I didn't even listen to her side. So, maybe she never called her names. She most likely didn't." Magnus plays nervously with his rings. "I feel so ashamed. I don't know why she forgave me. When I called her for the first time, she fell silent after hearing my voice. And then she cried. I was such a bad friend and still, she invites me back into her life."

Alec lays his hand soothingly on Magnus' thigh, a warm, anchoring presence. "Who wouldn't want you in their lives?"

"I hope you three hit it off," Magnus says quietly.

"I'm looking forward to meeting them," Alec says and even if he is nervous about the whole weekend, he really is happy to get to know the couple.

* * *

They park in the driveway and are taking their suitcases out of the boot when the door opens and a brown-haired woman leans against the doorframe. Magnus walks up the few stairs before she pulls him into a crushing hug. They kiss each other's cheeks and even though Magnus tries to hide them, Alec sees the tears wetting his face.

The silence between the two friends speaks of joy and sadness, of being lost and found again. After a long moment, Magnus steps away and turns to Alec. "Tessa, this is my darling boyfriend Alec Lightwood. Alexander, this is my dear friend Tessa Gray." They shake hands and Tessa smiles at him, but her steel-blue eyes betray her wariness.

A black-haired man appears behind her and Magnus pulls him into his arms. "I missed you two so much," he mumbles. "Will, this is Alec. And this is Will Herondale"

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Alec. We heard a lot of you," Will says in an accent Alec can't pinpoint, something from Britain he guesses.

"Only good things, I hope," Alec chuckles nervously.

Will gives him a warm smile and says, "Come on in. I just have to pull out the challah from the oven and then we can sit in the conservatory."

"Oh, Will's challot are the best," Magnus chirps and Alec is happy to see him slowly relax.

They have a proper British tea and Will tells them about his childhood in Wales. Tessa talks about her students, how she loves teaching but also dreads the casual antisemitism and misogyny she has to deal with. Magnus talks about the new music program that he and Catarina are developing. Conversation flows easily between the four of them and Alec feels as if he has always been part of their little group.

They have Shabbat dinner together and when his head hits the pillow and Magnus pulls him in to be the little spoon, Alec is glad that the long drive and the animated conversation exhausted him enough tho fall asleep within minutes. Tomorrow's gonna be a hell ride of a day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think will happen at the wedding?


	28. Izzy's wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

There he stands. Hand risen to knock and he feels sick to the bones. _Whatever happens today, tonight you will be lying in my arms._ He thinks of Magnus and takes a last deep breath before his hand bangs on the door.

"Come in," he hears and he does. He scans the room. There is Izzy in a bathrobe, make-up and hair already done. Then there is her best friend Jeannie and two other women, Alec doesn't know. "Hermano," Izzy yells and he has a bundle of grown-up little sister in his arms.

"Iz, don't cry. You'll ruin your make-up," one of the women says, but Jeannie shushes her.

"Thank you so much. I feared you wouldn't come," she says and her voice reminds him of the one time his father had forgotten to pick up 9-year-old Isabelle and Alec found her drenched from the rain.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," Alec says and she knows it's the truth.

"Did you have a good trip up here?" she asks and he nods.

"We arrived yesterday," he says.

"We?" Jeannie asks curiously.

Before Alec can answer Izzy says, "Alec's having a friends' meet up." Alec feels like stabbed with a blunt knife. 59 minutes more to go. "My brother Alec works as a pastor in New York," Izzy explains to the two other women. 

"Why did you hide your gorgeous bachelor brother from us, Izzy? Aren't we good enough for him?" the blond woman says. "Hi, I'm Deanna. You must be Alec." She offers her hand and Alec is relieved that Izzy at least doesn't totally keep his existence from her friends. 

"That's right," he replies and there is an awkward silence.

"Could I have my brother to myself for a few minutes, please?" Izzy asks and relief washes over Alec when all three women leave the room.

"And? Nervous?" he asks.

"Nope, everything will be great," Izzy replies, but he can feel worry coming off her in waves.

"I won't make a scene, Izzy. I know how to behave." He gives her an encouraging smile.

"I know. But I still worry that someone will hurt you."

"I survived worse," he says and the bitter truth of his words weights heavy. "You already look fantastic. All eyes will be on you. No one will notice me."

Izzy chuckles nervously. "Hermano, you give yourself not enough credit. You're lucky, Deanna has to be at the altar with me." The little smile on her face fades away. "How long will you stay?"

"The champagne reception and then I'll leave."

She nods. "I'm sorry that I wasn't brave enough ..." A knock at the door interrupts her sentence. They turn to the entrance and Alec feels as if all air is knocked out of his lungs. Maryse stands there, her eyes piercing into Alec's, then travelling up and down his body.

She turns her face to his sister. "Isabelle, you must dress now," she says, the order clear as day.

"I still have 30 minutes," Izzy says and Alec shivers at the sound of her voice. She obviously learnt from the best. Maryse's face is cast in stone. She turns on her feet and storms out. Izzy rolls her eyes while Alec tries to catch a breath. "Sorry for that," she apologises.

"Well, at least she's going for ignoring me," Alec chuckles. "But none of that now. It's your wedding day." Alec smiles at her and it is so sincere, it clenches Izzy's heart. 

She lets out a squeak. "I'm gonna be a wife."

"A wonderful wife. Meliorn is happy to have you," Alec says. "Gosh, when did you become all grown up? It's been like yesterday that I carried you home when you fell from that tree."

Izzy laughs. "I still have the scar on my knee."

They exchange old and new memories. When her bridesmaids come back to dress her, Alec presses a soft kiss on her cheek and leaves. 

He leans his back to the outside of the door and takes a deep breath. He pushes himself off and walks over to the chapel, hoping to not cross anybody's way, except for Jace, Max, and Clary. He finds them in the vestibule and they hug. Clary brushes her hand comforting over his back. It's good not to be alone.

"I reserved a seat for you with us in the second row," Jace explains.

"Maybe I should just sit at the back," Alec muses.

"You're joking, right?" Max says in disbelief.

"Maxwell, come with me," a voice comes from behind, a voice Alec still hears in his head from time to time.

He turns around. "Hello, father," Alec says and surprises himself with how firm his voice is.

Robert is puzzled for a moment then presses his lips to a tight line. The silence flickers like cold air between them. "Dad," Jace says, "this is my girlfriend Clary." Robert turns red, obviously torn between charming a possible future daughter-in-law and removing his youngest son from the bad influence of his oldest brother.

He chooses a middle course, ignoring Alec and offering his hand to Clary. "Nice to meet you. Aren't you a lovely young lady? Well done, _son_." The emphasis on the last word is obvious, but Alec carries it off well. Clary smiles warily at Robert and glances at Alec for a second. 

"Please, excuse me. I have to take care of my daughter. We can talk later," Robert bids goodbye. Everyone lets go of the breath they were holding. Alec giggles. He can't help it. All this nervous energy needs an outlet.

Jace pats him on the shoulder. "Let's get to our seats," he suggests.

Sitting in the second row really was a bad idea. He sees his grandparents and his mother intentionally ignoring him and feels like everyone behind him stares holes into the back of his head. But then there is Max's hand on his own and despite Maryse's deadly looks, his little brother leans on his shoulder. "Izzy told me that you are the biggest gift today," he whispers.

"She was brave to invite me. It's the least I can do," Alec says and something settles inside of him. Taking the easy road with not inviting Magnus notwithstanding, Izzy risked a lot. And he is thankful for that.

The ceremony is traditional and tasteful. Izzy glows and looks like a princess. Even Jace sheds a tear or two. Alec grins. His brother is such a softie under his cocky demeanour and Clary seems to give him the courage to let it show. They are great together.

Holding a glass of champagne in one hand and nervously playing with the car key in his pocket, Alec stays on the side of the terrace. He watches Izzy beaming at Meliorn. That's all he ever wanted, his siblings to be happy, to find love. He did himself and it stings that he can't show off his boyfriend like the two can show off their other half.

 _Beshert_ , he thinks, closes his eyes, and remembers Magnus' smile, the sound of his laughter, and the warmth he gives to his life.

Someone clears his throat next to him and Alec's eyes shoot open. It's Jonathan, his cousin. "Hey, man. Long time, no see," he says. Alec never liked him very much. Jonathan always mocked him for not handling 'a real weapon'.

"Hi," Alec replies dryly.

"Did the prodigal son finally come home?" Jonathan inquires. 

"I think you should reread the parables if you think that there are any parallels between his decision to leave his home and mine," Alec says and searches for Jace's eyes, but his brother listens to the person speaking over the loudspeakers. _Damn it._

"It's never too late to repent and come back home, Alec," Jonathan says with a sickly sweet voice.

Alec snorts. He can't help it. "I don't want to be disrespectful, but there is no way I come 'home' ever again. This is my sister's wedding and I'm leaving soon. Please, just leave me alone."

Jonathan gives him a stern look and turns around. Alec takes a deep breath. At least that was resolved quickly. Jace laughs about a joke and looks at him. His face turns concerned in an instant. "Are you okay, buddy?"

"Just ... Jonathan blahblahed me." Alec tries to sound nonchalant, but Jace is right by his side.

"Sorry, Alec, I didn't ..."

"It's okay, Jace. I didn't let him get to me. But I think it's time to leave anyway. They seem to wrap up and go inside soon."

Jace nods, a sorrowful frown on his face. He pulls Alec into a hug. "Drive safely and say hi to Magnus. I call you on Monday." Alec nods.

"You're leaving?" Clary asks with widened eyes.

Alec chuckles darkly. "You can count the people who want me here on exactly one hand, Clary. I don't want to ruin Izzy's wedding." He hugs her and pulls back, but she doesn't let go.

"Nobody told me that it is this bad. I'm so sorry, Alec. I wouldn't have come if I knew." _If I knew that your family was full of homophobic assholes. If I knew they treated you that badly. If I knew me being here makes it even more painful._ He can see all of her thoughts in her eyes. Yes, she's definitely good for Jace.

Alec brushes his hand over her red hair. "It's okay, really. Have fun. Izzy's parties are legendary. We can meet up for lunch next week?"

She gives him a sad smile. "Sure." She hugs him again tightly. He turns around and walks slowly to his car. All is well. Not really, but he didn't ruin Izzy's wedding and he isn't more heartbroken then he was before. He'll miss their first dance, but he heard her say, "I do." That's what really counts.

He hears steps behind him, the gravel scrunching under their feet. "You're leaving like the coward you are." His mother's voice is sharp and merciless. 

He takes a deep breath and turns around. "I think I proved myself enough in the past. I came to see my sister's union be blessed by God. I didn't come to fight long decided battles."

"What will the people say?" Maryse spits out.

Alec huffs. "I don't know and frankly, I don't care. 'The people' don't think about my wellbeing, but I and others in my life do. I didn't come to repent or whatever everyone seems to expect from me. I came here for Izzy and Meliorn. Because they still care about me and I them."

The lines around Maryse's eyes and lips tighten. "You seem to have forgotten everything I taught you. I can't believe I wasted years of my life raising you."

Alec would lie if he said these words didn't sting. "I'm sad that you feel that way. But I have to agree, it was a waste of time. I could have been happy instead. I could have been loved. But that doesn't matter anymore. I may not be prosperous, but I am happy and I am loved."

Something in Maryse's face softens slightly. "You are?" Alec nods. "What ... what is her name?" she asks. 

Alec is taken aback. One second she sounds like a lioness ready to attack and then she turns soft? Is she just getting aware of what she is missing out on? Is there regret in her voice? Alec swallows the lump of wary hope in his throat. "Yes, I am, mother, and his name is Magnus."

She looks at him with wide eyes and an open mouth, a picture of shock. No matter what is running through her head, he needs to go. He doesn't want to hear her condemnation. "Goodbye, mother. I guess I'll see you at Jace's wedding," he says sarcastically.

"Alec, ..." she trails off as he turns around, her hand shooting out, aimlessly hanging in the air, not daring to touch. She lets it fall to her side. "Be safe," she says softly. 

He looks back at her for a very long moment. "You, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Parable of the Prodigal Son](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_Prodigal_Son)


	29. After-effect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Religious and cultural terms are explained in the notes below the chapter.

_Be safe._ The drive back to Magnus would be so much easier if Alec didn't have to think about these two words. They were soft-spoken. He didn't hear his mother's voice like this since he was a toddler.

What happened there in the parking lot? Did his mother's well-kept facade crumble for a moment? Or did she just pity him, the prodigal son, still not ready to come home? Was it fear? He knows what she thinks about gay men - fucking around, spreading sin and AIDS. He rolls his eyes. Who is he kidding? Maryse would not even feel pity. In her eyes, it's God's just punishment. But there was something in her voice. Something a little broken.

He hates that he wants the two words to mean something. How lousy is that? A man in his late twenties hoping for mummy's approval. He groans. So close. He was so damn close, but she had to follow him and now she's stuck in his head. _Be safe._ The worst earworm of all times.

* * *

"He'll be back, soon, Magnus," Will says, watching his friend fidgeting.

"Yes, but in what state?" Magnus asks. "You can't imagine what kind of people his family are. The things his parents did to him." He shakes his head.

"You said that he's strong. He's going to be okay," Will replies sympathetically.

"What if not? I thought he'd call before leaving, but he only sent a text. I hate that I couldn't go with him."

"Magnus, don't drive yourself crazy. We deal with whatever happened when he's back." Magnus nods. His friend is right.

Tessa arrives with a tray full of rugelachs and a huge teapot with Earl Grey. "Oh, you're spoiling me, Tessa. I will never leave."

"Not that I would be complaining. We have to make good for the past few years." There is no trace of accusation in her voice and Magnus asks himself how he was ever able to let her go without a fight. Shame is bubbling up inside him, tightening his chest.

Tessa makes a noise back in her throat indicating that she knows exactly what he is thinking. "None of that, Magnus. We are happy to have you back. Just don't be a stranger ever again." She takes his hand and gives it a squeeze. "Alec seems very nice. Is he treating you well?"

Magnus smiles. "Yes, he is. He makes me feel ... enough and complete. I don't think that anyone has ever loved me the way he does, unconditionally."

"Sounds pretty serious then. How did your congregants react?"

Magnus chuckles. "I think they are taking it rather well. No one has said anything at least. We aren't exactly hiding. But there was no big announcement from us, so it's maybe just not as obvious as we think it to be. I don't know." Will gives Tessa a strange look. "What is it?" Magnus asks.

"One of the things that broke my neck in my last church was that they accused me to have hidden our relationship deliberately. They said that there was no trust between the parish council and myself left. I think it was partly used as an excuse because nobody wanted to be seen as an antisemite. But that's what cost me my bishop's support."

Magnus thinks about it. "But a relationship is private in its very nature. I don't want to announce it from the bimah."

"No, but maybe both of you should talk to your leadership councils. Just that they are informed. You don't need their approval, but it might help if you have it anyway."

Magnus opens his mouth to agree when a knock on the front door makes his heartbeat speed up. He's right behind Tessa in the hallway. When the open door shows a somewhat tired, but otherwise okay-looking Alec, she steps away and Magnus just feels relief. He presses a kiss on his boyfriend's lips and asks, "How are you?"

Alec gives him a small smile. "I'm alright. It went better than I thought. Just ... let's talk later, okay? I don't want to waste time with your friends. I overanalysed enough for an hour."

Magnus studies his face. He seems to find what he is looking for and shakes his head in agreement. They settle on a couch in the sunroom, right across from Will who is lounging in a plushy armchair. Alec is a little stiff, only their knees touching from time to time. Tessa sits down on Will's lap, silently permitting Alec to seek the closeness that he so obviously needs.

It takes a few minutes of small talk and Alec showing wedding photos on his phone until Magnus feels Alec leaning into his side and his head settling on his shoulder. He brushes a hand soothingly over Alec's thigh and kisses his hair. He knows that something must have happened, but Alec engages enough to allow him to postpone his worry.

* * *

"Blond? What made you think this was a good idea?" Alec laughs. 

Magnus gives Tessa a non-heated glare. "There was this rebbe who just rubbed me the wrong way. He was oh so egalitarian right until a man liked something womanly. My hair wasn't just blond. I had pink, purple and blue highlights, wearing the bi pride colours proudly on my head. I thought he was going to have a heart attack."

"He nearly did," Tessa laughs. "You could have had these colours on your natural hair, though."

"Yeah, but it was more fun that way," he grins mischievously.

* * *

Later at night with Alec closely pressed to his chest, Magnus can hear Alec thinking. "Care to share what is bothering you?" he asks.

Alec sighs. "Today was mainly what I expected - my parents ignored me for the most part, a cousin tried to convince me to come home remorsefully, but the worst was being pushed into the closet again. I have forgotten how miserable it is there. It's really confusing when your little sister keeps you from talking about the man she herself cheered you on to date. At some points, it felt like my brain was freezing, totally disconnected from who I am. But I managed.

"When I was leaving, my mother followed me to the car, trying to give me a scolding. So far, the usual. Then I came out to her and it was as if something clicked into place in her. I can't explain what happened. She wanted to touch me. Not hurt, touch. She really isn't that kind of person, you know. 'Cuddling is for sissies', she always said. But her voice went all soft and she told me to be safe. I really can't wrap my head around it.

"She said I was a coward at the beginning of this conversation and after learning about you, she ... I can't stop thinking about what it could mean. And I hate that I'm even contemplating that she might be able to change. She only threw me a gnawed off bone and I devour it as if it were a rib-eye steak."

Magnus hugs him even closer. "I think it's normal that we want our parents to love and accept us. There's nothing wrong about it."

"But I was done with her, Magnus. I really thought I was. Hell will freeze over before my mother accepts her gay, Lutheran son. I know that. And still, there is this stupid hope and I hate it."

Magnus presses a kiss into his hair. "I know. And that's okay, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rugelach - a filled pastry originating in the Jewish communities of Poland


	30. All in the open

"I am so, so sorry, Alec. If I had known that your mishpocha is such a bigoted crowd, I wouldn't have come. I really don't know what Jace was thinking, dragging me there. I thought I'd faint when he cut me short as one of your aunts asked me what church I go to." Alec can hear Clary's anger in her voice, although she tries to hide it behind an eye-roll.

His stomach clenches. Did Jace already mess everything up? "Did you two have a fight?" he asks anxiously.

"We had a ... discussion. I was angry that he didn't warn me beforehand. But he was pretty apologetic. He never dated someone who wasn't part of his community. He just didn't think about it. I am still teed off, but I like him too much to break up over it. Honestly, though, I wish he would come to live here, far away from the influence of your parents and their church. He may be open-minded himself, but I wished he rebelled a little."

Alec smiles lopsidedly. "He has it in him. He was the one smuggling booze and other prohibited stuff into our room, once even a girlfriend. He barely got caught. But I get what you mean. He is progressive in thought, but he doesn't stand up for what is right. Like Izzy." Alec's eyes glaze over.

Clary looks at him sympathetically. "How was it for you to see them all?"

"Strange. Not being able to be fully myself was exhausting. I really didn't want to cause a scene. It helped that you guys were there for me, but still ..."

Clary nods. "It sucked. How did Magnus take it?"

Alec huffs. "I think he was too worried about me to be angry for himself. But being with a partly closeted boyfriend can't be easy for him. Well, I came out to my mother. So, there's that. I don't know if she shared the news with anybody. But I'm done hiding. The next time a sibling of mine marries, I'll be there with Magnus or I just won't come."

Clary smiles. "That's the spirit, Alec. Time to put your foot down."

"Yeah. But what about you? Being a closeted jew must feel shitty, too."

"I plan to make your brother so helplessly fall in love with me, that he tells your parents to fuck off if they have a problem with me," she snickers.

Alec laughs. "If anybody manages that, then it's you."

* * *

"I know that it isn't on the table for today's assembly, but before we part I'd like to share something personal with you." Magnus clears his throat. He's nervously playing with the pen in his hand. This could end either way.

"I want to be transparent about my private life just in case a congregant might find fault in it and contacts one of you. As you know I was very grateful that you bolstered me up when my ex-wife outed me as bi. Knowing that my sexual orientation is fully accepted and supported was a great help in this trying time.

"It also helped me to know that you wouldn't mind me being with a man at my side when I met someone who I believe to be my beshert. For nearly six months now I am dating Alexander Lightwood that some of you might know. He is the pastor of the St Paul Lutheran church." A murmur went through the small crowd. 

"I am aware that our relationship might offend some people in our community. Alexander is informing his council tonight as well. We want you to know that we are in a committed relationship and plan to exercise our responsibilities as a couple."

Everyone is silent. Catarina sends him a sympathetic smile across the table. Mr Rosenheim speaks at first. "I must say that it comes as a surprise. You know that rabbis have an exemplary function. I don't know if it is a good message to send to our youth to be with someone who most likely won't be willing to convert."

Ms Agar cuts him short. "Reform Judaism is open to intermarriage. Why should a rabbi live up to standards that we don't set for our congregants?"

Mr Gartenberg agrees. "It might be unusual but they can be role models for all the couples who are confronted with the same challenge."

Mrs Hayn chimes in. "As you are two men there won't be a problem with kids, so I don't see any issues as long as you're doing your job as good as you did before."

"Two men can parent together, Mrs Hayn and we are thinking about children. But it's too early in our relationship to talk details. As Mr Gartenberg pointed out, this is a challenge and we might be helping others in the same situation," Magnus replies honestly.

"Are you living together?" Mr Kohan asks.

"Why might this be of importance, Mr Kohan?" Catarina questions.

The man is flustered. "I don't think that a rabbi should live in a parsonage."

"I can assure you that this won't happen. If we move in together, it will be in my apartment," Magnus explains. It's still not officially _their_ home, but he wants to ask Alec tonight. 

"I think it is obvious that we won't tolerate any attempts of evangelism in our synagogue," Mr Lipschitz grunts.

"I won't tolerate this either. But I can attest that Alexander is very respectful. He would never try to do such a thing," Magnus replies.

He looks in satisfied faces. Mrs Hayn gives him a small smile. "Mazal tov, rabbi. I hope you two will be very happy together and that your love will be a light for others."

Magnus smiles back at her. "Thank you very much. All of you."

* * *

Magnus hears a key opening the door. He looks up from his book that he is reading on the sofa. Alec looks tired, but he gives him a gentle smile. "How did it go?" Magnus asks. Alec huffs out a laugh. It sounds bitter.

"Two churchwardens pestered me with very personal and another with mainly theological questions. Lydia helped me out when I was too overwhelmed at some point in the discussion. She's better by the way, 'only' sick in the morning now. Anyway, in the end, they held a secret ballot if I could keep my job."

"They did what?" Magnus turns pale.

"They sent me out of the room to discuss it privately. Lydia told me afterwards that someone questioned my trustworthiness. They were concerned that I'd turn the church into a unitarian one. Someone else thought that a pastor should be celibate if he is gay. The majority pleaded with them to abstain from voting. Lydia said she wasn't sure until the end of the vote count. Four people abstained which is a third."

Magnus can see the tears prickling in Alec's eyes and he gets furious. How could they do this to him? "Didn't they see all the hard work you did all those years?" Magnus asks with thinly veiled anger.

"That doesn't seem to count for some when you love a Jewish man. It's ... knowing that I'm not supported by everyone is ... ah, fuck. I wasn't aware that I needed this so bad. Especially after Izzy's wedding. But I have to work even harder now, prove them wrong. At least the majority is okay with our relationship. But enough of me. What about you?"

"There were some critical questions, but nothing of this scope. They are happy for me, for us. As long as you don't go full Gideon on us, they are fine with it."

Alec stares at him. "What ... what do you mean?" he stutters. 

"I mean when you come to the synagogue, you shouldn't distribute Christian bibles like Gideons International." Alec breaks out in a burst of roaring laughter. Magnus is confused. "What is so funny?"

Alec snickers. "I never told you my middle name, did I?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Let me know what you think. 😊


	31. Marriage is a wonderful institution

"I need to confess something," Alec murmurs into Magnus chest. They are cuddling on Magnus', no _their_ couch.

"Shouldn't you talk with Lydia, then?" Magnus jokes. He feels Alec's deep chuckle vibrating under his hand.

"I may not be able to get off some of the Saturdays this summer." Magnus' hand stills. Is it one of his ways to show that he is worth keeping his job? Magnus hates that Alec feels the need to prove himself just because he loves him.

"What do you mean?" Magnus asks, flinching at the sharp edge of his own voice.

"I'll have a wedding, maybe more if the grapevine is correct." Alec props up his head and grins.

"Is Lydia feeling worse again?" Magnus asks. Alec shakes his head no, still smiling.

"What is this all about?" Magnus can feel something ease inside of him and tug on the corners of his mouth.

"Somehow me being the boyfriend of New York's hottest rabbi predestines me for some spontaneous interfaith weddings. Today a couple called me that is married for over 40 years and now wishes for the church's blessing of their union. She's Christian and he Muslim."

"Wow, Alexander. This is fantastic! I'm so happy for you." Magnus pulls him into a kiss. Finally, something good comes out of all the mess.

Alec nestles into Magnus' embrace. "I love weddings," he sighs.

"Mmh, stressful, but so rewarding," Magnus agrees.

Alec presses his face in the crook of Magnus' neck. "I want that, too." Magnus' doesn't reply. The emanating silence is long and tangible.

Alec rolls off Magnus. "I make myself a cup of tea. Do you want something?"

Magnus shakes his head and lets the younger man leave to the kitchen. The good mood is gone.

* * *

The next few days, Magnus seems to be off, but Alec doesn't poke around. He knows what this is about. He slipped. A moment of not second-guessing himself and he messed up big time. They talked about children, yes, but Magnus not once mentioned that he wanted to marry again. Alec just never imagined being with someone long-term without nuptials. Call him old school, but marriage is holy to him.

Magnus' weird mood doesn't go unnoticed though. "I brought lunch," Catarina says, putting the take out on Magnus' desk.

He flashes her what he thinks is a convincing smile. "Spill," is her one-word order.

"About what?" Her raised eyebrow makes him groan. Damn best friend, reading him like an open book. "Nothing that won't pass," he says with a wave of his hand.

"Sure. That's why I didn't hear any music playing in your office for three full days. Is something with Alec? Did you two fight?"

Magnus shakes his head. "No, nothing of that sort." He inhales sharply. "Alexander wants to marry me."

Catarina's eyes grow wide. "He proposed?"

"No."

Catarina studies her friend's face. She sighes. "Okay. Are you in this mood because he _didn't_ propose?"

"No."

"Magnus!" Catarina's exasperated voice makes him look up. "What is the problem then? At the meeting, you said you think he's your beshert. You may not be the most conventional person, but I thought that this would mean you'd go the traditional path - marriage, children, getting on each other's nerves, growing old together, him grey, you not."

Magnus chuckles. "Yeah. Alexander seems to think the same."

"And you don't?"

Magnus shrugs, his eyes sad. "Marriage doesn't guarantee anything. I learnt that the hard way. You of all know that."

Catarina is gobsmacked. "You don't honestly compare your relationship with Camille with what you have with Alec, do you? Because if you do, I will have to organise an intervention."

Magnus rolls his eyes. "No, of course not. It's just ... I don't know. Isn't that too fast? We're only dating for 6 months."

Catarina furrows her brow. "How long were your parents dating before they married?" Magnus groans, but doesn't try to argue. "Exactly. It has nothing to do with that. You dated Camille for what - over two years before you proposed. I bet you didn't know her as well as you know Alec already. What are you afraid of? He risked his job for you, his relationship with his brother! He moved in with you. He endured all of uncle Dean's terrible jokes without running away screaming. If you ask me, you better put a ring on it."

Magnus darts a malignant glance, but it's only half-heated. "Don't quote Beyoncé to me. I'm just not ready for this step."

"That's okay, Magnus. But if your demeanour here is any indication of how you're dealing with it at home, then you should use all your beautiful words and explain to your boyfriend why you need more time for this. Don't let him be up in the air."

* * *

Magnus comes home late that night to a sleeping Alec. He takes the book that hangs precariously at the side of the bed and puts it on the night table. He cautiously sits down next to his boyfriend and looks at him in the soft light of the reading lamp.

Why is he so afraid to take the next step? He has always been a committed partner. Relationships were never a game to him. And he knows that what he has with Alec is special, unique. He proposed to Camille because he thought it was time, maybe even because he was afraid that she would leave him otherwise. Her love was never certain, always conditional.

Alec is totally different. He wants to understand him, wants to support him. He never asks for something that he can't give. He always takes time to listen to him, even when he had a long day himself. Maybe that's what throws Magnus off. That's usually his job - pampering his partner, giving not taking. 

Magnus sighs quietly, but Alec hears it nonetheless. "Hey, you're back," he says, his voice a little rough from sleep. "How was your day?"

Magnus looks down at him with a wary smile. "I was an idiot," he nearly whispers.

Alec sits up. "What do you mean?"

Magnus caresses Alec's cheek. "You are the most wonderful partner that I ever had and I'm such a coward."

Alec looks at him in confusion. "What happened?"

Magnus chuckles. "Catarina gave me a piece of her mind. I need to apologise to you for the last few days. I was a moping mess and you deserve better."

"We don't have to talk about it. I shouldn't have said anything," Alec replies in realisation.

"Why?" Magnus asks. "It's absolutely normal to think about this. We are both people of faith. Marriage takes an important place in our traditions."

"Yes. But I can't expect you to want this again. And I can't expect you to want this with me." Alec shrinks, retreats physically at his own words. He doesn't meet Magnus' eyes anymore.

"I want this, with you. I just ... I'm worried that this would change the dynamics between us," Magnus explains. 

Alec shakes his head in understanding. "Look, it's late. We don't need to talk this through. What we have is beautiful," Alec offers. His voice has a broken softness that makes Magnus' heart clench painfully. He knows he is screwing this up, but he still accepts the easy way out. It may not be the wisest thing to do, but he only wants to curl into Alec, wants to feel that they are okay. And that's what he does. He is selfish for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I'm curious what you think. Let me know in the comments.


	32. Reconciliation

"What are you doing?" Magnus asks, looking at the plethora of pastries on the kitchen worktop. Alec's head shoots up. He didn't hear his boyfriend coming.

He brushes his hand nervously over the back of his neck and blushes. "Ehm ... stress baking?" His voice sounds as if he doesn't trust his own statement.

Magnus smiles softly at him, nerviness bubbling up in his stomach. The last few days everything seemed to be fine between them, though. "I didn't know that this is one of your coping strategies. What brought this on?" he asks cautiously.

Alec laughs, but it sounds tight. "My mother called me." Magnus' eyes grow big, a question mark written plainly all over his face. "She filed for divorce. My holier-than-thou father was unfaithful. For many years with changing women as it seems."

"Wow, that's terrible," Magnus says, feeling sorry for her even though all the bad feelings he harbours for his boyfriend's mother. No one deserves such a treatment. "But why did she talk to you? She didn't want to for years."

Alec exhales sharply. "She wants to start new. Max will go to NYU come fall and she decided to relocate with him."

"She moves to New York? That's ... And she wants to reconnect with you?" Magnus asks in disbelief. 

"Seems so. She said that she wants to apologise properly when she comes apartment-hunting, not over the phone. She just wanted to make sure that I'm fine with her visiting me."

"Are you?"

"I told her that I needed time to think about it. Hence, cinnamon rolls." He waves his hand over the counter. "I know you love them. No idea if they pass your test compared to the bakery kind."

Magnus pulls him into his arms and guides Alec to bury his face in his neck. He tries to put everything he feels in this embrace. His gratitude, his hope, and his willingness to protect his boyfriend from all evil.

* * *

Alec decides to invite Maryse and Max to coffee. The first minutes are awkward at best, but the tension eases a little when Maryse praises his cake. "It's delicious, Alec. Who knew you could bake?" 

"I had a roommate who now has a bakery in Boston. She taught me everything in our tiny kitchen."

"You lived with a woman?" Maryse asks in astonishment.

"Yeah, we were four sharing an apartment and I the only rooster in the yard. It was Aline the baker and her girlfriend Helen who is a physician now plus Lydia my colleague."

Maryse swallows hard. "So, did these women, did they make you gay?"

Alec can't suppress a snort. "No, mother. _God_ made me gay. It's not an infectious disease, you know."

"Homosexuality is absolutely natural, Mrs Lightwood," Magnus adds.

"I need to apologise. It's still ... very new to me. Max gave me that book to read. It's obviously written by a respected scholar. But it's not easy to unlearn what I believed to be the truth since I was a child," Maryse says and she sounds so small. Alec has never seen his mother like that. It melts some of his defences away.

"Mum, I don't think that Alec expects you to make a one-eighty overnight," Max says, looking pleadingly in Alec's direction. 

Alec nods. "Max is right. All that I need is you to be respectful toward Magnus and me. You can ask me anything. I will answer what I'm able to. I get that it must be difficult to question your own beliefs. God knows I went through that myself. I'm just curious. If you don't mind me asking, what changed? You said you knew of father's affairs for a very long time."

Maryse nods. "Yes, I did. At Izzy's wedding, I was so ... tense. Your father acted as if everything was normal. I couldn't stand his touch, how he played the devoted husband, badmouthing everyone who dared to make little mistakes.

"And then you were there, talking to your siblings and I could see the love for them in your eyes and how they cared about you. I was so angry that you were there and at the same time, I was envious that I couldn't talk to you. When I saw you leaving, I was devastated because you could and I didn't.

"I guess I projected everything I felt on you. But in truth, I was the coward, not you. I was the one tolerating your father's affairs. You were brave, leading a fulfilling life with someone who loves you. You made me realise that I could have this, too. You saved me, Alec."

A long stretched pause fills the room. Alec reaches for her hand and gives it a squeeze. "You saved yourself. Taking this step surely wasn't easy. But you are brave and strong. You deserve so much better, mum." Maryse's eyes shoot up at the last word and Alec gives her a warm smile. "So, where are the apartments you decided to look at?"

* * *

"Well, that was something," Magnus says, leaning into Alec who is standing at the balustrade of the balcony. His boyfriend chuckles in response.

"Yeah, you could say that. A lot to process."

Magnus presses a soft kiss on his cheek. "How are you holding up?"

Alec lets his eyes wander over Brooklyn by night. "I'm a little overwhelmed. I want to believe that she is willing to change. But after all these years, after all, she said to me all the time growing up - it's hard to fully trust her.

"I never told you, but there was a time when I wanted to end it all. It was her voice in my head that told me that I would never be good enough. If it weren't for Lydia, who knows if I would be still around. She convinced me to go to therapy. Baking with Aline was actually part of my healing process."

"You never talked about her before today," Magnus states.

"Yeah, that's not a time I like to remember. Most of it, I hated myself." Alec clears his throat. "When they moved down to Boston, we didn't manage to see each other again. We still call each other several times a year, but we three are all workaholics, I guess. I never managed to travel down to them or them to me."

"If you want, we could visit them. I'd love to meet your friends. I heard Boston at fall is beautiful."

Alec smiles. "That would be great. I'll ask her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are nearing the end. Oh, I will miss these two. I have a few one shots of them on my mind. Maybe I'll turn this into a series. 
> 
> Are you ready to let them go?


	33. The end

Somehow they survive the New York summer heat and the madness that are the high holidays from Rosh Hashanah to Simchas Torah. Magnus truly deserves a break after that and they finally board their flight to Boston. 

It's autumn and the city blooms in all shades of red and yellow. Alec looks forward to cosy tastings of Aline's baking and Magnus can't wait to stroll in the public parks.

They enjoy time with the lovely couple, sharing stories about their time living together in their shared flat. Aline and Helen are welcoming their first child soon and Magnus showers them with baby garments. "I can't help it," he explains. "I always enter the shop planning to buy one single item and come out with at least two bags full of clothes. Everything is just so cute, all the little romper suits and tiny socks. Who can resist those cuties, really?"

Alec just smiles about his boyfriend's antics. He loves this man so much. What does it matter if they have to empty the library to store the millions of clothing he will most likely buy before their first child is even born? He seems to be nesting anyway. The pile of cushions on their bed is growing day by day and in a twinge of panic that Lydia's unborn child might die in their apartment, Magnus childproofed all sockets. Much to Alec's amusement. 

But ever since that fateful day, Alec never talks about their future anymore. He enjoys the here and now. What ifs only stain the wonderful life they have together. It's not all sunshine and roses, but it's so good that he doesn't want to mess with it. He's content. He's happy. And Magnus feels the same. At least that is what Alec thinks.

They walk down the Commonwealth Avenue Mall and amble along the trees. It's beautiful. Magnus compares it to the Champs-Elysées in Paris and reminisces about his travel to France's capital. Alec's heart jumps whenever he catches a glimpse of Magnus' smile. He's so gone for this man and he knows it.

But there is something about Magnus that seems to be off. He nervously plays with his ear cuff again and again. He glances at Alec from time to time as if he weren't sure what to say. He sometimes looks almost panicked and he lets go of Alec's hand ever so often. It doesn't make any sense, but Alec doesn't push. Magnus will talk to him when he is ready. That doesn't keep his stomach from forming more and more knots, though.

After a long walk they sit down on a bench and Magnus' body feels stiff when Alec leans into his side. "What's up, Magnus? You're being weird," he finally says.

"Nothing," Magnus replies with a half-smile. But who is he kidding? Not Alec, that's for sure. He puts his hands in the pockets of his coat. Their first meeting was over a year ago. He should know Alec well enough by now to know how this conversation will end. But he is still scared of the outcome and he hates it.

Alec takes his weight off Magnus' side and straightens himself. His hands find hold on the ends of his scarf that is hanging around his neck. His heart clenches fearfully. Maybe what he dreaded in all these months is finally happening. Maybe no talking about a joint future was a mistake after all. Maybe he destroyed the best thing he ever had with a simple sentence all those weeks ago. He swallows the lump in his throat.

"Magnus, are you breaking up with me?" he asks, his voice trembling like the leaves on the trees surrounding them. The evolving silence is answer enough. Alec jumps off the bench and looks down at his flabbergasted boyfriend - ex-boyfriend - who gapes at him like a fish in need of air. "Why the hell are you flying to Boston just to break up with me?" Alec asks furiously. He runs a hand through his hair. _This can't be happening!_

Magnus wants to start talking, but he closes his mouth again when Alec motions him to stay silent. He feels panic rising in his chest. _No, no, no, no, no._ Alec got it all wrong. Magnus gets up to his feet and stretches his hand out to Alec, but his boyfriend turns around and starts walking away before he can get a hold of him. "No, wait," Magnus shouts after him. "I'm not breaking up with you. I'm trying to propose to you!"

Alec stops in his track and after a long moment, he turns around. "You ... what?"

Magnus' eyes are filled with tears. "The whole day I thought about the right place and the right words, but everything felt ... not good enough. And now I blew it." Magnus looks devastated.

Alec walks back to him, a smile replacing the scowl on his face. "Ask me," he whispers. Magnus makes a face and closes his eyes, but Alec insists. "Ask me now, Magnus."

Magnus worries his lower lip. It's a classic, but it will do. It _has_ to do. He takes Alec's shaking hands in his own trembling ones. "Alexander Gideon Lightwood, will you marry me, Magnus Baruch Banes?"

Alec's eyes fill with tears and he looks at him for a long stretched moment before whispering a barely audible "Yes." He grabs Magnus' coat collar and pulls him into a deep kiss, pressing everything he feels - love, relief, and a million other emotions - into it. He leans their foreheads together and cups Magnus' face, enjoying the warmth of his fiancé's breath tingling on his skin. "That was perfect, babe," he says.

Magnus snickers with tremendous relief. "Darling, you haven't seen the ring yet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. This is it for now. I already created a series for this pairing as there are still some stories I want to tell you about them. If you're interested, don't forget to subscribe to the series. 😊
> 
> Thank you so much for your constant support, your kuddos, and comments. They mean so much to me. 💜
> 
> Starting tomorrow, I'll post a new story with alpha Magnus and omega Alec in the shadowhunter universe. I hope you'll join me on Alec's journey to being a happy omega with Magnus supporting his mate all the way.
> 
> Ta ta for now,  
> Sabine


End file.
